steps forward, steps backwards
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:35pm |
Has anyone heard of trauma bonding? It is where you are bonded with your abuser and it gets really difficult to explain. I'm reading a book that is sort of along the lines of the twelve steps but it is for co-dependents. It has some workbook pages in it that I've tried to do and all I can figure out is that yes, I was abuse, emotionally, as a child and I have probably "disassociated" myself from the "terror" I witnessed. Now, I use quotes around the "terror" because I don't remember any specific horrible things. but what I do know is that my mother used to get VERY angry at one of my brothers and chase him with a broom and yell at him. As I got older, I frequently heard her complain about him. I remember other things about myself as well, things I'm terribly embarrassed about. I was shy, insecure, naive. My brothers (4 older) would tease me, and taunt me about I don't know what.
I have always felt like I don't belong. First girl after 4 boys - I WAS different, I don't remember ever being encouraged to be a girl.
I could go on forever. I'm working towards figuring out what this bond is that I have/feel towards my H. I annoyed him yesterday before going for a walk with my ds and 2 dogs. I know he was annoyed because he wouldn't look at me or acknowledge me before I left. I had been teasing him. Yet when I got back - he was fine, like nothing happened.
I feel like he is distancing himself from me. I can only hope.
Gotta go.
ples

Hi ples...I sure do think you've made many steps forward here.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
There's articles everywhere on the internet regarding traumatic bonding, aka "Stockholm Syndrome".
CL-Blueliner4