steps forward, steps backwards

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
steps forward, steps backwards
2
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:35pm
Am I coming or am I going? I don't know if I'm making any progress or not.

Has anyone heard of trauma bonding? It is where you are bonded with your abuser and it gets really difficult to explain. I'm reading a book that is sort of along the lines of the twelve steps but it is for co-dependents. It has some workbook pages in it that I've tried to do and all I can figure out is that yes, I was abuse, emotionally, as a child and I have probably "disassociated" myself from the "terror" I witnessed. Now, I use quotes around the "terror" because I don't remember any specific horrible things. but what I do know is that my mother used to get VERY angry at one of my brothers and chase him with a broom and yell at him. As I got older, I frequently heard her complain about him. I remember other things about myself as well, things I'm terribly embarrassed about. I was shy, insecure, naive. My brothers (4 older) would tease me, and taunt me about I don't know what.

I have always felt like I don't belong. First girl after 4 boys - I WAS different, I don't remember ever being encouraged to be a girl.

I could go on forever. I'm working towards figuring out what this bond is that I have/feel towards my H. I annoyed him yesterday before going for a walk with my ds and 2 dogs. I know he was annoyed because he wouldn't look at me or acknowledge me before I left. I had been teasing him. Yet when I got back - he was fine, like nothing happened.

I feel like he is distancing himself from me. I can only hope.

Gotta go.

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:18am

Hi ples...I sure do think you've made many steps forward here.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:00pm

There's articles everywhere on the internet regarding traumatic bonding, aka "Stockholm Syndrome".

CL-Blueliner4