Still Angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Still Angry
7
Thu, 12-15-2011 - 2:20pm

I posted on here starting about a year ago about what I learned was a verbally abusive relationship.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: phili1973
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 8:39am

It takes time for the anger to go away. To me it sounds like with the anger you are dealing with what happened and could be angry a yourself for putting up with it but could be part of your path to healing since anger got you a way and kept you away. Cut your self a break!! You are at a different place emotionally then you were when you were with him then you are now and that is why you put up with it. Hindsight is a pain sometimes. I left my abuser a little over six years ago and a times I still get angry over things that happened. Thankfully it doesn't happen as much as it use to. Most the time I simply am amazed at how much I have changed and what I put up with.

The anger could be also because your starting to date. My bet is your afraid of finding another abuser and as long as you are you I don't think you will heal and you won't find anyone. I don't agree with most that you have to heal before you can move on. When you find the right person I think they help you to heal but you have to do a lot of healing before you can get to that point and none of it is easy. I have been seeing someone for four years and every time things are going good I start looking for things to fall apart and over react over stupid stuff. Thankfully he has realized I over react and to give me some space and time and I calm down a lot quicker then when he tries to tell me I am over reacting, LOL.

Sadly it takes a lot of time to heal and we all do it in different ways and we deal with what happened differently. My bet would be the dreams are your mind dealing with things the way you wish you had. I once woke up from a dream mad at myself for being nice to my abuser because


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
In reply to: phili1973
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 10:01am

Thanks....and yes I have started to date, and I wondered whether the anger was connected.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: phili1973
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 11:10am
I think it is but could be wrong. For me the anger was more at myself when the new person didn't react the way I was use to someone acting. I would get mad at myself that I put up with what I did. At times I get mad that I have responsibilities and he doesn't but it has helped that he has spent time in jail

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: phili1973
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 10:39am

That's exactly it.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to: phili1973
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 5:46pm

Hi Phili, know that I'm sorry that you're reliving all that trauma again.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: phili1973
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 11:24am
I moved to another state and looked over my shoulder till I found out he was in jail. He knew where I went and its a small town I can't hide. What tour feeling Phili is so normal and will take time to heal. I know you don't want to hear that, ask frustrated she has been telling me the same thing for years and I hate it lol, but its the truth. Also you are giving him power over you that he would love. So even though he doesn't know it take it away! Only you can and you will slowly over time. One day you will realize weeks or months have gone by and he hasn't had any power over you and then bam he will but it won't last and that is all normal too. You get to learn how to take away his power and you will. Hugs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
In reply to: phili1973
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 11:59am

IF and when that anger pops it's ugly head up to spoil the moment stop and ask yourself what exactly are you angry about?

Try to discover what exactly triggered that moment of anger.

If it was something that person said or did, what exactly about what was said or done was the trigger...Eventually you will either discover 1) that person will also treat you bad if the relationship goes any further and you can walk away before it is too late, 2) it is not those specific words or actions but just that the jerk before got away with it and he is not worth your time or energy to keep getting angry 3) those memories are just that, memories, and they need to be put away and not played with any more or 4) all this thinking is just too much work.

What it comes down to is you were hurt and the wounds need to heal. Could you be getting yourself back into the dating world faster than you can heal? Why do you NEED to be dating again so soon? Hanging out with friends is OK, but trying to get back into that emotional cycle with someone before the previous chapter is closed if never a good idea.

My suggestion would be to slow down, enjoy your singleness for what it is and heal. Take the time to decide what exactly it is you want in a partner before you go shopping around again. Or better yet what you DON'T want in a partner. That way when you go back out looking for what you want you can have your eyes open for the non-negotiable options and run before the other ugly things show up....

One thing we should all have on our non-negotiable list would be insults or put downs..Even in jest. That would be whether those put downs or insults were directed at you or someone else,