still can't deal with it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
still can't deal with it
2
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 2:48pm
hi, i feel abit scared about writing this but i can't think of anything else to do.
last year i was in a relationship with an abusive guy, but it took me ages to realise it as we were both 19 and i didnt want to believe it was happening.
i suppose his abuse was sexual violence but i still dont like calling it that as it makes it seem too scary. in the beginning he would do things like bite me or pull my hair as we were having sex or just be quite rough with me, but if he started hurting me too much i'd tell him to stop and he would. but as the relationship went on he got rougher and i'd always end up with bruises as he would throw me around. i didnt think anything was wrong because we'd always just laugh about it after it happened and he'd say he just got carried away. but one night we were both in a club and we decided to leave, so we went to a wooded area and started having sex, i cant really remember much but i remember feeling a really horrible pain down there. he was doing something with his hand, i told him to stop but he didnt listen and i couldnt get away because i was against a wall, so i told him again but he wouldnt and i started crying but he told me to squeeze his other hand if it was hurting too much. i tried to take it but i couldnt so i told him to stop and when he wouldnt i had to hit him. he stopped and carried on having sex with me. after he'd finished he walked away, i shouted at him to come back but he didnt. i went to go back to the club as i didnt know what to do and i realized i was covered in blood, it was dripping down my legs as well as on my clothes and i later found out on my face. the bouncers at the club said that he had just tried to get back in but they wouldnt let him as he had blood all over him. they wanted to call the police but i said not to. i went to the doctors the next day as i was badly cut down there and needed stitches, i also had cuts on my back and was passing blood instead of urine. i didnt see him for 2 weeks but then he came over one day to talk, he claims he didnt know what he was doing, which i find hard to believe, but i was so anrgy i couldnt argue properly, we ended it then.
anyway i dont know what to do now, even though this happened 6 months ago i still have dreams about it and find it hard to sleep. i'm too ashamed to talk to my mum or friends about what really happened as it was kind of my fault because i knew what he was like. i talked to a counsellor at college which helped but she kept pressuring me to go to the police which i really dont want to do. i still see him as we live close to each other and it upsets me everytime i do.
i'd just like to know if anyone else has been through something similar and how they got over it, i feel like i should have by now. people have been through much worse and are ok. i'm fine most of the time i just hate it when i'm alone. if anyone can suggest something i'd be really grateful because i don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 9:28pm
Hon, the best thing would be to get in touch with a rape crisis center for specialized counseling.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 9:58pm

What he did was rape, and should be treated as such. Yes, it is possible for someone to be raped by their partner, which is important to remember.

Now, what you want to do about it is absolutely up to you. If you want to report it to the police, that would be a wonderful thing to do for the sake of any other victims he may have, but it's not mandatory if you don't feel ready to do that.

Here is a website I think might help you: http://www.rainn.org/ . They can hook you up with the National Sexual Assault Hotline, where you can find someone to talk to. They also have other resources for rape and abuse survivors- and, of course, you are always welcome here!

Hang in there. You may think you "can't deal with it", but the fact is, you already are. You have told someone, and breaking the silence is the first step in dealing with it. You CAN do this!

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