Still confused and just tired of it all......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Still confused and just tired of it all......
10
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 2:52pm

Well, I don't know where to start, but I just need to vent. I am not angry, I wish I could be. It would be a lot easier. I am just so emotionally tired. "He" finally contacted the real estate agent and when she crunched the numbers and told him what she thought the house would sell for, etc, he did not like it. I don't either, but it is just the type of market it is. He said that he would call her back later about it. So, the ball is yet again in his court. I have called my lawyer twice and left messages and he is always in court. "He" still hasn't even came back with a counter offer on the settlement or said that he agreed to it. Nothing. I am paying 1/2 the house note (court ordered), yet he is paying zero for my car which is in his name too. He is suppose to allow me to re-finance the car in my name (he agreeded to that), but still has not.

I am just so tired. I have had a hard time and still am accepting the fact that it was "abuse", but I do see that he is still in control even during the divorce. I KNOW FOR A FACT that he will try to contact me again to discuss the house. But, what is there to discuss? Either we sell it or he buys my half. But, he just wants to talk to me.

Any help and encouragement is needed, please......

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 3:12pm
If they are making you pay 1/2 the house is it possible you refinance and keep the house? you move in, he moves out..you have more control on the house and when to sell, if to sell. Yes, the abuse continues..you might also check out the surviving divorce board (in the relationship section)..there are people with more knowledge there.

The reason why he is stalling on house is - he does not want to sell but does not want to pay your half. very typical. One other thing, you can show financial constraint on keeping the payment for house. it will go to pre-foreclosure and he WILL be forced to sign the paper to listing agent to show. If he calls you discuss, tell him this. You cannot pay for your own rental, car payment AND the house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 3:13pm
Things will get better as time passes. I wouldn't talk to him about anything, it'll just get you upset.

I would just live life and not worry or think about him. Keep the focus on other things. Keep yourself consciously busy.

As months and years go by this won't be so upsetting and time will heal. Be good to yourself in the meantime.
sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2006
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 10:59pm

Hey Confused,


I know all too well what you are going thru.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 12:11am
if it makes you feel any better, my divorce started almost a year ago, still not finalized because stbx wouldnt sign papers, went into default. he woulldn't settle on anything so i would end up paying my attorney more to finalize. he also job hops to avoid paying spousal or child support (a real example of a deadbeat). thankfully we have no house, but have a child (makes the control aspect worse). don't talk to him about legal matters, thats why you have an attorney. at the beginning of our divorce he would stall and threaten me and i would have many panic attacks... afraid he would try and get custody of my baby. thankfully i have full legal and physical custody. everything will work out, it just takes many long months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 12:58am

Unless your husband has been living in a cave, he knows very well what the housing market is like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 8:40am
Thank you. I hope that time will heal and I am hoping that once it is finalized, I will be able to give myself "permission" to do more and to possibly have fun. Right now, I just feel like I don't deserve it or that I shouldn't feel good or have fun. Thank you again for your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 8:43am
Thank you. Counseling does help, but again I just can't wrap my head around that fact that it was "abuse" when he didn't actually hit me. I know emotional/sexual abuse is abuse, but when he doesn't even realize what he has done it is hard, too. I appreciate you and will be seeking your positive thoughts again, I am sure!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 8:50am
I wish so much that he would just buy me out of the house. It would be so much quicker and simplier and I think better in the long run for him, if he thought about it. I just don't want the house. I want to start fresh, because I am having such a hard time trying to move on. As far as my vehicle, we are both on the car note. I am listed as a co-buyer, but if I were to pay it off the title would go in his name, so I have to refinance it in my name. He has agreed to do this, but still has not. Again, I just want to start fresh and hopefully have a lower payment. I try to keep positive and think of the good things to come, but it is hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 9:44am

Hi;

You got some great advice so I will add something.

It is not going to be a fast process..any of this. You sitll need to grieve your relationship and that takes time.

You need to maybe attend a support group for abused women or a sep. and divorced group. The more help you get the more validation you will feel. The more you will realize that it wasnt

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2011
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 10:11pm
Confused- First I want to address the comment you made about accepting it as "abuse." I was both physically and emotionally abused by my ex husband and I would have taken the physical any day over the emotional. To have your self esteem crushed to non-existence is horrible, and it is a way for them to control you. They want to make you believe that you can't do any better then them. Trust me...you can!

I went through the bs of having both names on vehicles. I kept asking him to refinance he vehicle and I would do the same but he refused. Instead he decided to just stop paying on his truck when only $2000 was owed on it, so that he could destroy my credit. He didn't care if his was destroyed as long as he was hurting me. I made my ex husband so many settlement offers just to be able to move on and he denied everyone of them. If he had taken any of my offers he would have ended up with more then he got after trial.
http://survivingabuseandgaininghappiness.blogspot.com/