Is This Still Considered Emotional Abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Is This Still Considered Emotional Abuse
12
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:34pm
Hi everyone :) I'm confused and I really hope someone can help me to understand something. My husband and I have a good marriage usually, but when we fight, he becomes a completely different person. He yells at me, calls me names, punches holes in the walls, and slams doors. He says things like, "I hope you die real soon". The last time we had a fight he threw the coffee table over on it's side. He's never physically hurt me. When he gets like that I get scared and I usually either lock myself in the bathroom or leave the house. My question is, if he only acts like that and says things like that when we fight, is it still considered abuse? We've been together for seven years, he's 33 and I'm 30. I've told him that name calling and punching holes in the walls is considered abuse, but he says I'm wrong. I've looked at websites that list what emotional abuse is, and some of the things apply to me, but most of them don't. If someone could please explain it to me and help me understand, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you for your help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 9:59am
Husbands and wives argue but to me when a husband or wife does something to degrade or put fear into the other then it is abuse. Even though you stated he has not physically hurt you, he is getting physical. Reading your post made me scared of him. I would probably do anything to make sure we didn't have a fight; the problem with that is anything could set him off. If he sees scaring you is not working, then he will esculate to hitting you. Please talk to a DV hotline or counselor. Always feel free to post here. You are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 12:30pm
Thank you for responding to my question. And thank you for saying that I'm not alone. Besides this board, I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I always wondered if when he punches the wall if he's wishing it was my face instead. I know that emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, but from what I've read, it sometimes does. Is there any kind of time frame where usually men go from one to the other? We've been together for seven years. I'm hoping that since we've been together this long and it hasn't escalated from emotional to physical violence, that it won't. Is that just wishful thinking?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 1:14pm

Everyone's situation can be different, so it is hard to say. I know one of the hardest things for me is comparing my situations to others because I then minimize what I went through. In my opinion, there is not a time line but I would say it is only a matter of time. I think too the definition of abuse blurs things. I remember my X before we were married tampered with my gas, electric and water and when I confronted him he said he did it hoping the house would blow up with me in it. I was angrier that he vandalized my property than threatened my life. My thinking was that once in a while people say things they don't mean, right? Then the police said if he just said he wish I were dead they couldn't do anything about it but because he attempted to take my life by tampering with my utilities then that was domestic abuse. Then 2 years later I married this guy. The first time he grabbed me and shook me saying “don't ever lie to me or you’ll regret it”. I was in shock. I was going to leave but I didn't. Again, I didn't think this was abuse. I don't remember a bruises, he didn't beat me. I'll tell you one thing the physical with my X luckily wasn't too bad but the psychological abuse is just so hard to deal with. My physical bruises healed a long time ago but I still deal with the physiological issues everyday.

I could be wrong but to me it sounds like you are just waiting till he hits you. You may be telling yourself I can deal with this but if he hit me I can just leave. This to me would be risking. There are cases in which there may not have been physical abuse but go straight to murder. In fact, were I live, there is a case going on like that right now and there are 2 innocent children involved. I don’t mean to scare you. It happens. I know I think to myself “he’ll never do that to me” but I know I need to take the position that he could.

That’s why it is good to talk to others and get DV counseling if possible. This is a not just marital fighting it is serious abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:38pm

Welcome to the board pipknight :o)


Glad you have figured out how to come and post.


Yes, he is abusing you. He is emotionally hurting you. He is scaring you and he doesn't care. I know exactly what you mean about him turning into a totally different person. My abuser would just get this look in his eyes, it freaked me out!! My ex, broke numerous coffee mugs and such, but I know if I would have stayed any longer it would have got a lot worst, breaking more things and eventually hurting me physically. Him throwing the coffee table or breaking things is actually in anger towards you... so eventually it will be to you, it is just a matter of time. I don't want to scare you, I just want to warn you. Abuse gets worse with time, not better.


I hope you stick around with us. We are all here for you.

L A U R E

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 5:56pm

Thank you all for your help and support. I think you're right, I am waiting to see if he would actually hit me. Then if he did, I would definately leave. At least that's what I tell myself. I was married once before this marriage. My ex was abusive too. Physically and emotionally. You would think I would know exactly what emotional abuse is since I've been through it once before. I don't understand how I ended up with another abusive man. At this point I feel that all men are abusive. I think to myself why bother leaving him and hoping to find someone else eventually when they are all the same anyway? My ex husband used to tell me how stupid I was all the time. One time he bent my fingers all the way back until they almost broke.

Thank you all for listening and giving me help and advice. I really appreciate it. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:05pm

What he's doing while you're fighting is scaring and intimidating you! I'm so sorry. Wishing you to die? Oh, you just couldn't possibly do something to deserve that! I know how you're feeling. When someone punches things and throws things, and seems to go mad, you wonder if it'll be you next! If you're leaving the house or locking yourself in the bathroom, it's cause you're scared, and you don't deserve to be!

I think you're being abused, but you must know deep down that something isn't right, cause you're here. You post as much as you want/need, cause we do understand! The sites on abuse, you don't have to be abused in every possibble way, to be abused. Everyone is different, abusers too, they'll abuse in different ways. Hope to keep on hearing from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:23am
The thing I am concerned about, is that the longer you stay with your abuser, the harder is will be to leave. Even if he does get physical, it will be a lot harder to
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:03pm

I know you're right-there must be some good guys out there. Isn't it sad that when I see men at work and they seem really nice that I wonder what they're really like at home? I know other people see my husband as nice, caring, charming, etc. If they only knew...

When my husband told me that he hoped I die real soon, he said it because we had been fighting. He was mad and yelling and he wouldn't let me go to sleep (not that I could of anyway). Usually when we fight he threatens me that he'll leave me. This time I told him to go ahead and pack his s*** and go. That made him even more mad, so that's when he said that he hoped I'd die.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I feel like I have finally found friends who understand. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 4:08pm

I was thinking, that your husband saying that he hoped you die real soon... that is not normal!! Nobody in a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:06am
You really have found friends that understand! Whatever words or gestures they use, we get it! I hope we keep hearing from you! You must have been very afraid after he said that. We understand. Please keep posting and reading!

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