Still learning......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Still learning......
1
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:48pm
First of all, I want to say,thank you all in your advice to me. It is very helpful. I'm sorry if I don't always reply but know that your responses are very helpful and I absorb the information.
I just wanted to share something. I wonder if you'll agree. I guess I am in the first stages of learning how to deal with abuse. I am not living with my abuser anymore, thank G-D, but due to me not having my car yet, he still picks up and drops off the girls to our home. I cannot wait to have my car, and not see him at all. It would be such a relief. I've learned something in the past few days. I am not going to try to pretend that his behavior is okay. Even though the elephant has gone, I was still ignoring the elephant in the living room (I'm sure you all know what I mean). I was still living under the guise of an abused woman. I was living in my own shadow, sometimes even fearful of going out. I feel more and more that his presence is getting smaller and smaller in my peripheral vision. I am not going to let him influence me in any way.
As I had stated in my last post, I was at a women's shelter for a week with my two girls, and I will never be afraid to go back if I have to. I know that it is horrible that I have any contact with him at all, (mostly the girls go downstairs while he waits for them outside his car, even though I've asked him to wait inside his car, but whatever), but hopefully I should be employed in a few days, and then I will bar any contact with him at all, find out what my rights are in terms of protection, and put a restraining order if he even comes near me. I will do all that once I am secure in the fact that I need nothing from him and the terms of his seeing his girls will be judged by the family court.
I am slowly moving out from the shadow and into the light and I realize that although he is gone, I am still somewhat living in fear.
Today I told my oldest that if there is anything she wants to discuss with her therapist, then it is ok. I feel that she constantly wants to protect us as parents from being hurt, but I let her know that we are here to protect her and not the other way around. I also told her that I don't agree with a lot of the things her father does, and if she ever wanted to talk to the therapist about that or about me, it is perfectly ok. The funny thing is, they both see a therapist once a week, and I am not even sure that he is an expert in abuse, but he is wonderful. Nonetheless, I am going to look for someone who is an expert in abuse, so that my girls and I together will sit down and air anything that needs to be aired. So far, it was them going inside and me waiting outside with the occasional chat for him to know how the girls are doing, but I think we really need to sit down as a family and gather strength and move past this. I want to heal from all this. I want to move forward. I am not going to pretend around them that his behavior is ok. I am talking about his behavior with his fast driving, the way he talks to people, his general rudeness. They will be exposed to that and I am hoping that the courts will help me do anything they can to protect my girls from him and if not then I will. But the first step is letting my oldest, 11 year old know that I know what he is doing and that it is not ok. I did not see any other way to handle it. If she doesn't know that it is warped it will affect her in the future. I hope some of you agree and can give me your take on it. I appreciate your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:15am
first let me tell you congratulations on the progress you have made. It took a lot of courage to get where you are today and i applaud you for that... I am sure it has been very hard for you and your children and you all are still in an adjustment phase.. I know you are trying to get on your feet. I was not in your shoes so long ago. ( May of 2005 is the last contact i have had with mine) My husband was still doing the same things basically yours is doing now with picking up kids and such. This is where i want to caution you because i know every situation is different but if any of what i say or share with you helps you in the least then i will feel that my experience helped somone else. I have two sons and a daughter, he was mostly interacting with the boys and my daughter was in counseling. She disclosed my husband had been abusive so her to the counselor but not me yet. I was told one day and i asked him not to have any contact with her because the counselors wanted to sort things out. Long story short, he broke the agreement to stay away and my daughter was removed for me not protecting her because i couldn't control his actions.. My sons were briefly removed as well because once they take one they take all even if they have no involvement. My daughter was caring around all the horrible things he did to her because she did not want to break up our family. I cry when i think about it. If there is any reason to think that your children are carrying abuse around with them as well, try to cut off this contact immediatly. I know you are already trying to do that. I have lived through a nightmare and for a short time was treated like a perp. instead of a victim as well. Keep all your documents of abuse and any counseling information as well to help with the court process. I am in the middle of trying to terminate my husbands rights. I think you are doing great, just wanted to share a mistake i made with you. Eventually your therapist or theirs should recommend family counseling, that is the process i am now waiting for with my daughter. it can be very helpful but usually invididual counseling in done for a while first. Are you in counseling as well? i hope so... It is a long road to travel and if you are like me you will have your ups and downs but keep going with that determination you are already showing. Keep yourself away from him because manipulation can be their greatest tool.
good luck and safe journeys