Still at a loss, please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Still at a loss, please help!
8
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:48pm
I apologize that this is a bit long, but really appreciate those of you who take the time to read it....

I am still battling with the whole perverse internet thing that I found out about a week ago (or so). Mentally at least. I haven't posted in a while, but the other night

we had it OUT. He was all sweet, kept asking what was wrong, and finally i told him about finding the websites and chatrooms he'd been visiting. At first he asked what i was talking about, then i told him give me some credit, to stop LYING......finally he said "Fine, so what? So what if i've chatted online? i'm not f*cking anyone"........we went back and forth, how that was disrespectful to me, he kept pulling the trump card of when i was (maybe) drugged and (maybe) raped last fall-i have essentially no memory of what happened-and how that I lied to him at first when i told him that, how i didn't trust him enough to tell him right away what happened, and how at least he isn't waking up naked in hotel rooms. (I never mentioned this on the boards yet because i'm so horrified, it was this horrific incident that happened on an innocent enough night of going out to a bar).......basically i had tried to soften the blow about what happened b/c it was something i couldn't deal with, but i did tell him w/in 24 hours of what happened........he is apparently still very angry that i lied to him then, and still thinks it is my fault b/c i was kind of drunk that night that i "let" someone slip something into my drink, if in fact that happened. Again, I don't know for certain and was too chicken to make an official report, well, because i didn't know what happened and that i live in a small town, etc.

So, anyway, we argued back and forth, I was screaming when he said he holds me responsible, he said essentially that that began the demise of our "trust," etc. I told him that i was so sorry for what happened and that he ISN'T sorry with what he is doing. He said i've been jealous of his exes and friends and that he is just flirty, that is "his personality." I said I wasn't jealous of what he was doing online, that i was replused. He is searching for people online, he acts like it is just to fill a void......but i consider myself someone you can be open and honest with and that is what i respond to, so i don't know why he has to hide this stuff from me. we went around and around and he said he didn't think it was disrespectful of me, but since i thought it was then he said he would stop. It was so weird, by the end of the conversation we we're debating what we should do, did I want to break up with him (not the other way), but he felt i'd been a cold b*tch lately, anyway, eventually we were calmed down and i had bawled my eyes out and exhausted and then couldn't figure out what to do about going t o bed until he cuddled and held me and well, wound up going to bed together. That next morning i woke up with a horrific headache, got a cold cloth on my head, forgot it was there and when he woke up he asked what it was, i said the cloth. Then i said sorry-i think he thought i was apologizing for last night and he said he was sorry too and that he loved me and wasn't going to get on those boards or whatever.

So it has been over a week since that fight/discovery, and he has been over the top sweet. I know everyone says it is the honeymoon stage, but I don't know what to think. As far as i can tell, he hasn't been on those boards but it upsets me so much to think he was on them in the first place. Even on the "profiles" i found of him he didn't answer what his relationship status was, and on one of them that he posted before we even started dating he said what he was looking for in a woman, and i checked that site and it said it was active within the last 6 weeks! He didn't even delete what he was looking for in a MATE---not to mention, i actually fit the description perfectly (i am NOT the type of person to search for someone online, the fact he even did that when he was single made me cringe).

He is unemployed but looking for a job right now. he is in debt. I can't afford rent for both of us, plus i have a trip that i have been planning on taking for a while and don't want to not be able to go b/c i have to pay for his rent or bills or whatever. Yet i don't want to get evicted from our house, either. I even mentioned that maybe he should start looking for a job in another city, since we were planning on moving maybe it would be best if he got his feet off the ground there---and he said, "no, i need to find a job here first; unless WE want to move right away I should get a job here until we are ready to go"........as i said before i don't want to break up completely with him, although maybe i should, but i don't know how i can get on without him. I think i would be just SO lonely. Even yesterday our friends were having a bbq and he didn't want to go, and i didn't want to go by myself b/c it was all couples anyway and i didn't want to deal with "why isn't X here?" questions. How pathetic is that???????

Sorry this is so long again. I just dwell too much and don't know what to do. I don't want to be as drastic as kicking him out bc/ i don't know for certain that is the right answer. And as i said, right now he is being perfect, the house has been cleaned, he cooks, etc.

YUCK. Have any of you dealt with the whole online chatting thing/website thing? What do you consider it, cheating or not? How do you handle it, and when he says he will stop do you think he means it?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:44pm
Hi there! I didn't have a whole lot of input on this issue except that I've dealt with it in my own life and someone in wonderful cyberworld sent me to this message board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psfamporn. It's called Families Damaged by Pornography and you may get more feedback/insight there because the posters are all dealing specifically with sex and porn addictions. Best of luck to you!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:35pm
Online chatting is cheating. Obviously in the case of your man because it's right there in front of you that he's lying in order to get online attention from women. The guy writes that he's seeking a mate, of course it's cheating.

My best friend went through this, and her man ended up in bed with a woman he "met" on a chat line.

Now, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but your guy sounds like a loser. And furthermore he's probably being nice because he feels guilty for accusing you fo doing what HE wants to do.

Just me...but take a deeper look darlin'

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:00pm
he claims its not cheating...i know it probably is. I know he sounds like a loser on paper but you probably wouldn't think that if you met him believe it or not.

The board that was recommended is coming up as page not found, i tried to search for it but couldn't find it. Does it still exist, do you know where?

Also-now we have a new roommate, which makes discussing anything almost impossible. I don't want to make her uncomfortable by us fighting (which that kind of discussion will inevitably lead to). I just wonder if he is different from some of these other men, he sounds so genuine when he says he won't do that stuff again. Its hard NOT to believe him, you know? He doesn't have a job and i wonder if he was just bored. For whatever its worth his profile still says he lives in the city that we used to live in.

I hate this feeling and lack of strength i have. If ANY of my friends were going through this, i would tell them to drop this guy in a second given these descriptions. My friends have said some of the same things, though they also "understand why i love him and know that he can be very loving." I just can't imagine life without him. Its like i write all this stuff on these boards yet know i will go home, cook dinner w/him, watch a movie, cuddle, etc. What is WRONG with me??????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:36pm

It is my understanding from the CMs that there are still problems on and off related to yesterday's outage.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:07pm
The question is not what is wrong with you, what the heck is wrong with him??

Cheating is spending unnecessary time with members of the opposite sex without the knowledge or approval of your mate...plain and simple. The guy is cheating.

Why doesn't he have a job? is he disabled or something? I would be having a BIG problem if my man didn't work for no reason. That's another reason why I think he's kind of a loser.

Don't kid yourself here, with the strength thing. I've learned that it takes a lot of strength to leave, but you know what? It also takes a tonne of strength to stay and put up with the abuse and the crap. Don't sell yourself short, you are stronger than you think you are.

Head up...you can do this.

sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 7:36pm
Hello. Sorry to hear what you are going through. I wanted to respond to some of the things that you wrote about. I am in a similar situation. I recently discovered that my husband of 4 years is on porn sites all of the time and probably chats with "strangers" about sex stuff too. It makes me absolutely SICK. Not jealous, just SICK. My husband and I have been having major problems in our relationship for the past 2 years or so. He basically blames all of our problems on me, although he smokes pot daily and does not take much initiative for anything, I am always to blame for everything. Anyway, his behavior kind of turns me off, so our sex life has suffered. So I discovered he has been going on all of these sex sites and I approached him about it. He claims that it is not a big deal and all men are into porn. I highly doubt that. I am sure that is not true. He said that if it bothers me so much then he will not go on anymore, but I know he will, he will just hide it from me. I also don't know if I am making too much of a big deal of this, but somehow I feel that I am not. Oh, I also think that sometimes when he says that he is going out with his friends, he really goes to strip clubs, I just have that feeling. I am absolutely repulsed and it makes me never want to touch him, which of course is my fault, too (according to him). I think that we should probably leave, but I don't know about you, but I probably won't.

Tamara1213

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 12:48am

Hi Tamara -


I was quickly browsing the posts, and I saw your post.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:02am
unknown~

I'm not sure if this has been addressed as of yet, so if it has, excuse the redundancy....but what *I* find to be particularly disturbing, is that fact that you were possibly (more likely then not) drugged and raped, and yet your h callously uses that as justification to view porn?

Honey, that just ain't right. What occurred to you is a crime--a felony, on several counts. One that you bear VERY LITTLE responsibility for. Because you went out to have a few drinks, and perhaps indulged too much, does NOT mean you are responsible for being drugged and raped. Yes, alcohol does tend to alter our normal inhibitions...BUT all date rape drugs (GHB, Rohypnol) all are tasteless, scentless and colorless...and are perfectly masked by alcohol drinks. Its easy enough to slip in because all it takes is someone to "buy you a drink", slip it in (usually powdered form)and wait for the effects to take place. And there is nothing you can do at that point. I've worked with several women who have recounted being "awake" but paralyzed to do anything during these encounters.

Your h is taking a VERY TRAUMATIC incident and holding you emotionally hostage to it. NOTHING justifies his behavior EXCEPT his own selfish wants and needs. I don't give a hoot that it took 24 hours to tell him...it was TRAUMATIC--there was probably a sense of shame and disbelief...of COURSE you didn't tell anyone. Hey, I was sexually abused as a kid and it tooks YEARS for me to tell anyone!

Your h needs to take care of HIS stuff....his pain, anger or whatever with a therapist. I'm sure he was upset with the situation...but being abusive, he internalizes it, twists it around, and holds YOU responsible for something you had NO or very LITTLE control over. Do you see how messed up that is? He is trying to get YOU to emotionally caretake him! meanwhile, he is emotionally unavailable for you to adequately deal with the trauma. He's like this King Baby...walking around talking about the demise of 'trust', essentially saying "its all about me, me, me!" and where is he for you? and saying "omigod, that was horrible....lets get you to a hospital, lets get you to a dr, lets get you into counseling....how can I help you?"

He wants to look at porn, simply because this is view on women (and all men who view porn, imho): women are not people, but objects of sexual desire and gratification. By viewing women through porn he is objectifying them, therefore, they are not "real", other than a means of ejaculatory fantasy. Men who REALLY value women and their sexuality, do not NEED or VIEW porn....because they understand that making love to a woman is much different than using a woman as a sperm depository. I suspect, that many men never grow out of that adolescent stage of misconceptions of women and sexuality and carry that porn through adulthood. Again, I view it as emotional immaturity and dishonesty.

IMO, the next time he EVER brings up the drugging incident and uses it as a justification for his porn viewing, simply tell him the conversation is over and you will not allow him to hold this incident as a reason for him to be selfish and his continuation of this saying this is abusive.

Major hugs to you!

dharma