still in turmoil, long, plz read
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-08-2005 - 3:26pm |
Last night I just had another conversation. This is by far the most horrific experience. He is completely blaming me for ruining his life. Verbatim. I can't deal. He said he has gone from loving me more than anyone in his life to hating me more than anyone in his life. He kept asking me "so, you are seriously not moving with me" "we had a plan, you had a committment to me, to do this" I kept telling him that I was unhappy, was all he wanted for me to be unhappy? He tried to say no but then kept saying that I owed it to him. That everyone he has talked to-and he said they all knew me well-were absolutely appalled at what I was doing to him. He was telling me that I was making him move away by himself and live with his dad, that was the last thing he wanted to do. He told me that he and his mom had all these "talks" and that his plan once we moved there was to improve his temper-that I had to help him with it b/c he wanted to change but it was really, really hard for him-and that he wanted us to go get counselling together. That he wanted to start making money, save up for a nice engagement ring and then get married and really thought we would be happy. That he trusted me and couldn't belive I had the audacity to do something like this over the phone.
He mostly stayed really angry at me and said that he was going to delete me from his life forever. That he never would talk to me, see me, read my emails, look at my pictures or anything at all ever again. He said that he was going to get his dog and then he wanted me to never have anything to do with her again. He is insisiting that I get up to our storage unit on the 12th (which is a tuesday) to separate our stuff and he'd say adios and never think about me again. I now have to miss a bunch of work because of this. This is the worst possible way a break up could go down, honestly. He said I was crazy to think that after a few months he'd actually think of getting back together with me, that if I did this to him NOW, at this most crucial time in his life, he would never in a zillion years dream of getting back together with me. That if we were going to "work it out" then we had to do it together. That EVERYONE he has talked to thinks I am an awful, horrible person for doing this to him. I am stunned and sad and crying right now. I kept telling him that I DO love him, but it wasn't "right" right now, but if it was meant to be then it would work out. He said there is no way in h*ll I love him or even did, that I have to stop lying about it.
Even after all that I am going back to all these memories of good times we've had, things we've done, or even snippets of things that made me happy with him. What am I supposed to do-both logistically and emotionally? I kept telling him that his reaction is WHY I have to make this decision, he kept playing martyr and saying that "oh, yea, all I have been is an a*hole, a dick, I treat you terribly all the time"....I told him it wasn't all the time but yes those times have started to really have an effect on me. He said he knows he has a temper and wants to change it but it is an every day struggle. That I am just as bad to him but he has thicker skin and I am a drama queen. But then he would also turn around and say how great he had imagined things were going to get, that our relationship was really going to grow strong once we moved out of this town....but now I have ruined everything for him, that he has a committment to his dad to go and take over these properties, but that WE were supposed to do it, that he would never have agreed to do it on his own but that he holds true to his word and wouldn't do what I am doing to him to his father........
I am so sick over all of this, and so ridiculously upset. I really don't think it could be worse than it is. And what IF I am alone for the rest of my life? He said that it was all karma, it would come an haunt me and someone would do something equally as mean to me one day and then maybe I would regret my decision. I think in his heart of hearts he wants it to be good, that he really believes it could have been. That he has never, ever been hurt like this and that my approach was really low-by doing it on the phone. I said we have had these talks before to no avail, he claimed he was really working on things (and truthfully, he has gotten a bit better over the past couple of months). And who knows, maybe it could have? Now that chance is gone. I know you are going to read this and say "see how bad he is" but there is still something that is just killing me about all of it.
I am seriously such a wreck right now-obviously we are going through it but now I have to meet him in a storage unit and bid him farewell?

Pages
He has NO intentions of changing, I can tell you that right now.
Is he not capable of taking his own stuff and leaving your stuff in the storage unit? I'm not clear on why he needs you to be there. If there are heavy things, he can take a friend with him or use a dollie (I've moved a 2-bedroom apartment by myself, and I only weigh 125 lbs and I'm anemic, so I'm sure he's physically capable of it).
If he wants you to meet him there, does that mean he has told you where the storage unit is? Even if he waits until Tuesday to tell you, you have to be at work on Tuesday. He can get his stuff and you can talk to the folks at the storage unit to arrange a more convenient time for you to pick up what's left. If you could get there earlier in the week, though, that would be better, since I wouldn't put it past any angry person to trash a few of my things, or even take my stuff along with their own.
NO CONTACT
This is a terribly painful ordeal, but you're going to get through it. Is there anybody, anybody at all, who can go with you to the storage unit? I think it's very important that you have some support with you.
Please don't listen to the things he's saying to you. He sounds horribly manipulative. Since he's losing control of you now, he's going to say as many hurtful things as he can. Please don't listen to them!
You broke up with him on the phone because it was the only way to do it. I completely understand! I had to break up using email because my ex can't even talk on the phone when he's upset! He either goes completely silent or yells awful insults. You broke up with him the best possible way that you could.
If he really is getting help, it's going to take him years, not months, to get better, and sticking around for that to happen certainly wouldn't be any good for you. And the chances aren't good that he's ever going to get better. Less than 1% of these guys actually get better.
You're doing the right thing. Hang in there & have faith. You're going to get through it.
darling, he is right. there is such a thing as karma.
and you know what? He is completely damned for all of eternity for treating you the way he has. Period. You have nothing to worry about.
that's their job, to blame us for everything. this morning mine blamed me because he hit me because i found a girl's phone number in his bag. interesting how that works.
back to karma: there is such a thing...and the reward that we will get for putting up with the things we have will be more wonderful than we can ever imagine.
God bless you.
don't go back to him, ever.
I don't know if I would go alone to the storage place, take someone else along.
Hugs Shawna
I do just want to make sure that everyone knows he does not, nor has not ever, hit me. I see that having someone else come with me (this storage unit is 7 hours from where i live, and if i go there there is only person i know who MIGHT be able to go with me), it could go two ways. 1)he would get more mad that someone else is there, or 2)it would be better.
I don't have a choice in this situation, really. We DID make a plan and I am going back on it, so I am trying to make this as smooth as possible. I do love him. I don't think he is as evil as some of the other men that all of you have had to deal with. But he does have a temper. And I am not justifying his behavior, but it is hard because i truly do think he loves me and has had this time to reflect and maybe really does want to change. And I have already done the damage, i am pretty sure i have to go through with it.
I'm hearing you say you don't want to move with him, and you don't want to meet him, especially alone. Your instincts are nothing short of beautiful and brilliant. Your desire to break up is healthy. If it's wrong for you to change your mind and quit now, when will it be okay? You have every moral right to end this.
"I don't want to ruin his life" You're not capable of ruining his life. You've got "good person" written all over your face. He is mad because you won't let him have YOUR life. Honey, having someone to abuse doesn't help anyone. You do him no favors by staying with him.
Do you see why he took your stuff and put it in a place where you couldn't get to it? So he would have power over you. It's important to him that you come to him on his territory, preferably unprotected. I'm not saying he will hurt you physically, but he will hurt you emotionally. This is a trap. If you have to go and can't go through the courts to get your things back, call the local police where the storage unit is and get an escort. You may hit some resistance there. If you do, call the sheriff's office and/or the state police. Tell them it's a domestic abuse situation and you're leaving your abuser. Don't tell him you'll have a police escort. Let him see the cop walk up and he'll probably keep his mouth zipped.
Do your best to take care of yourself. Whatever you decide, we are here.
He's not in love. He's infatuated. He's addicted to you because it allows him to be in control and power, and the idea of you leaving means that he has lost that control. He knows no other way his sick feelings other than "love", and he doesn't know how else to deal with being responsible for only himself except through rage and hate. If you're not there, he can't blame his problems on himself. It has nothing to do with love. Even my jerk ex-bf didn't go crazy like this when I broke up with him. He let his anger out in the batting cages.
To quote another member on ivillage, this is love (and it doesn't sound like your bf):
"To me, the person I love complements, NOT completes, my personality. Love means never having to validate yourself through someone else. Love means being with someone you trust, but don't hand complete control of your life over to. Love means being able to open yourself up to a person, but not expecting them to solve all your problems for you. Love means being there for that person, but not becoming a personal doormat in the process. Love means being able to admit your mistakes without fear of losing the person. Love means being part of a team, working towards a common goal, adjusting and compromising when necessary, but not losing sight of your "life outside the team" (if that makes sense). Love is also, of course, a two-way street. It all applies vice-versa."
From what I can tell, your bf expects complete control.
He expects you and everyone else to solve all his problems.
He's not always there for you.
He expects you to be a doormat.
He blames others for his mistakes, rather than admit them.
He doesn't repent of his mistakes (that would involve actually changing, rather than just saying he will and doing it for a few days or weeks).
He doesn't treat you like a teammate, or always try to do what's best for BOTH of you, or compromise.
He has made it totally obvious that he has no life outside of the emotional cat-and-mouse game that he has with you.
He's not in love. He's obsessed. A person who is in love becomes sad when the other person leaves. A person who is obsessed becomes angry and PANICS at losing the object of their obsession. And that's what he's doing, panicking. He may yell and cry and say all sorts of things, but that's not to be mistaken for love. You're like the ring of power in Lord of the Rings. You're his "precious", but it has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with power and control. And you saw what people did whenever someone would try to take the ring from them, right? They acted pathetic until they got close enough, and then they got extremely violent. It's dangerous!!! If the town has a storage unit, the town has some sort of police department. You could easily ask if one of them could accompany you to keep the peace. It will actually be less emotionally difficult if a third party is there (he'll actually have to think about what he says and how he says it, rather than just cornering you and spewing fury). If I were in law enforcement, I'd accompany you myself if you wanted. But I'm not, and I can't force you to take measures to protect yourself. We all hope for your own safety and peace of mind that you'll take every possible safety precaution, including either going with someone or not going at all.
Pages