still in turmoil, long, plz read

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
still in turmoil, long, plz read
13
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 3:26pm

Last night I just had another conversation. This is by far the most horrific experience. He is completely blaming me for ruining his life. Verbatim. I can't deal. He said he has gone from loving me more than anyone in his life to hating me more than anyone in his life. He kept asking me "so, you are seriously not moving with me" "we had a plan, you had a committment to me, to do this" I kept telling him that I was unhappy, was all he wanted for me to be unhappy? He tried to say no but then kept saying that I owed it to him. That everyone he has talked to-and he said they all knew me well-were absolutely appalled at what I was doing to him. He was telling me that I was making him move away by himself and live with his dad, that was the last thing he wanted to do. He told me that he and his mom had all these "talks" and that his plan once we moved there was to improve his temper-that I had to help him with it b/c he wanted to change but it was really, really hard for him-and that he wanted us to go get counselling together. That he wanted to start making money, save up for a nice engagement ring and then get married and really thought we would be happy. That he trusted me and couldn't belive I had the audacity to do something like this over the phone.

He mostly stayed really angry at me and said that he was going to delete me from his life forever. That he never would talk to me, see me, read my emails, look at my pictures or anything at all ever again. He said that he was going to get his dog and then he wanted me to never have anything to do with her again. He is insisiting that I get up to our storage unit on the 12th (which is a tuesday) to separate our stuff and he'd say adios and never think about me again. I now have to miss a bunch of work because of this. This is the worst possible way a break up could go down, honestly. He said I was crazy to think that after a few months he'd actually think of getting back together with me, that if I did this to him NOW, at this most crucial time in his life, he would never in a zillion years dream of getting back together with me. That if we were going to "work it out" then we had to do it together. That EVERYONE he has talked to thinks I am an awful, horrible person for doing this to him. I am stunned and sad and crying right now. I kept telling him that I DO love him, but it wasn't "right" right now, but if it was meant to be then it would work out. He said there is no way in h*ll I love him or even did, that I have to stop lying about it.

Even after all that I am going back to all these memories of good times we've had, things we've done, or even snippets of things that made me happy with him. What am I supposed to do-both logistically and emotionally? I kept telling him that his reaction is WHY I have to make this decision, he kept playing martyr and saying that "oh, yea, all I have been is an a*hole, a dick, I treat you terribly all the time"....I told him it wasn't all the time but yes those times have started to really have an effect on me. He said he knows he has a temper and wants to change it but it is an every day struggle. That I am just as bad to him but he has thicker skin and I am a drama queen. But then he would also turn around and say how great he had imagined things were going to get, that our relationship was really going to grow strong once we moved out of this town....but now I have ruined everything for him, that he has a committment to his dad to go and take over these properties, but that WE were supposed to do it, that he would never have agreed to do it on his own but that he holds true to his word and wouldn't do what I am doing to him to his father........

I am so sick over all of this, and so ridiculously upset. I really don't think it could be worse than it is. And what IF I am alone for the rest of my life? He said that it was all karma, it would come an haunt me and someone would do something equally as mean to me one day and then maybe I would regret my decision. I think in his heart of hearts he wants it to be good, that he really believes it could have been. That he has never, ever been hurt like this and that my approach was really low-by doing it on the phone. I said we have had these talks before to no avail, he claimed he was really working on things (and truthfully, he has gotten a bit better over the past couple of months). And who knows, maybe it could have? Now that chance is gone. I know you are going to read this and say "see how bad he is" but there is still something that is just killing me about all of it.

I am seriously such a wreck right now-obviously we are going through it but now I have to meet him in a storage unit and bid him farewell?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 6:54pm
I agree with gonnabefine - don't tell him that you'll have an escort. Just show up with one. If you can't get one, then trust your instincts and don't meet with him alone. It will be better for BOTH of you that way.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:34am

I absolutely agree with everyone.

DO NOT go alone. Personally I would contact the storage people and arrange to go on a different day. There is a risk he will steal or trash your stuff but rather that than get hurt. Don't believe for a moment that he won't physically hurt you. There's always a first time.

You have nothing to feel guilty about in ending the relationship. Relationships end all the time. His reaction shows that he is a pathetic, inadequate individual who cannot cope with real life. You can and will do better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 9:55am

You have done EXACTLY what you MUST do. Get OUT. Away from him.

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