stressed- help - i can't take this life
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stressed- help - i can't take this life
| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:14am |
i am so worried about this baby and my stress level. i keep trying to calm down and something erupts. First it's my job i switched to in november. now they want to fire me in now 4 weeks if i don't 'shape up' and sell more than $100/hr, doctors' notes and all. They say my performance needs to be higher when dealing with customers and stock work. I handle what i can until i feel overworked- it is a lot of running, no breaks, up and down, bending and lifting and i end up bleeding sometimes cramping and to top it off i have placenta praevia (placenta is a 6 o'clock versus 2 o'clock- baby is low) it needs to rise to prevent complications but no one there is listening. they work me to death. breaks are at my own discretion and count against me. now he does this when there was to me, a quite simple ultimatum- i don't care if it was almost 2 yrs ago. he either chooses me or the porn. sunday, i picked up the hrs for a girl at work b/c he's not working but 24 hrs a week tho i shouldn't be working. had i not, this might not have happened BUT i think he has been doing it this whole time and slipped up. over 40 sites containing stuff i have never dreamed of. more than i care to get into and i felt degraded. he makes me hate sex to no end that even at 118 lbs i can't stand to look in the mirror. now, 5 1/2 months preg i am 127 lbs. i have a belly among other things and that is it-- and he has to look at something that is more..shapely? more beautiful? to me it's digusting and perverted- he found out my 23 yr old sis got a boob job and always teases me about getting it on w/her b/c of them and that now i need them too and he wants to see them! i'd kill him then her first..the never to say it. not to mention last october he tried to talk me into sleeping with another girl- my good friend from high school- he doesn't like her at all but it was good enough for me and her to get it on and he HAD to watch- humoring him for a minute i asked him what he'd do- he said watch, and she maybe could do things to him! OMG...i wanted to die. he went on and on about him- called me at work 7 times in 3 hrs of my shift (i worked 6-9pm that day) to ask me ifi was bringing her home. i had her meet me at my job at 9:30pm and i told her. i was so upset and embarrassed- she wanted to but it was only if i wanted to. i said no way. i never hated my body more after that. i couldn't even do anything with him beyond that. it was once every 4-6 weeks and i detested it. i was on the pill though, and begged him to pull out. oh he did the opposite. he has no respect. he laughed so hard and said i'd be preg. i was. he is so happy i am and he thinks he has more freedom to do as he pleases- goes to show sunday what he did. last night i still failed to say anything. all i did was ignore his 'luv u' notes that he put in the fridge, counter, phone, b/c he knew i was mad about something but not sure what (yeah right) and when he came home at 2 yesterday i told him i worked and to hurry up with his shower. he asked me again- i know he knows b/c i have thrown off worse vibes than this when i am not mad. he is so paranoid. i came in here and looked at pc and he kept asking. he asked if he did something wrong or stupid and i then asked him 'well, can you think of something you did? i am waiting for the right answer' he looks right at the pc and says 'uh- i washed the dishes...but that's not it..what could it be?' omg, the nerve! i got up and said ' you know what it is, and when you admit it, we'll talk, i will give u enough time to sort it out before i go to work and we'll talk' i come out with 25 min to spare and he's "sleeping" on the couch. won't talk or answer me tho his eyes keep opening. i went to work and look at the history files/temp files when i got home- he erased everything up til a lil after 6 pm last night. he got up soon as i left did whatever he did, then erased his tracks. so for 1hr 30 min he could have looked more (no way to know if he did yesterday tho) and then cleared everything- there was nothing to find. i knew he had been on the internet soon as i left- but to erase his weekend tracks and last night- all of it. he came in right after i did and wanted to know why i was on the pc. i just got off and asked him why he was avoiding me. to please answer me. he said he was going to bed and that he had no idea. i was preg and have hormones going on. ignored me and went to sleep-- at 9:30 pm!! he never does this. he is turning it around on me subtley and thinks by clearing it- it never happened. what can i do today? i need some help and strength this is killing me- i am off tonight and need to do this. what can i say that won't let him turn it around on me? please help...i don't have much time.

He is an abuser.
Rayven, you need to get out of there.
CL-Blueliner4
there was and is so much traumatic bonding that i still think of him as a okay guy. when i step back and look at it third person, i make myself sick. all it takes is putting my dd in this situation. i want him to leave this house- period. everything i need is here and this is the kids' home. w/ my parents' help i can have them rebuy it and i pay for it w/o him. BUT he has to be the one to leage and i don't know how...
got to go he'll be home soon..
Jen