Stuck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Stuck
10
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 11:11pm

The overwhelming silence is so hard. I know it is for the best and it will get easier, I guess..but I hate the fact he gets away w/ it all, destroyed my life and gets to walk away and immediately, on to the next..Not required to pay any price, answer to sh*t. But I sit here pathetic, lonely, stuck in the mud, with so much intense pain, anger and just lost. I struggle w/ our 2 year old and he rides a sparkling Harley, with lots of money that some disgusting hag provides him. I'm so stuck stuck stuck. I learned in therapy that I can think what I want, just can't act on it...but I don't want to hate him, that ugly woman..I want to prove to her that he

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 8:06am

All your thoughts arenormal from what I am told and what I have read but that doesn't mke them any easier to deal with. I am raising three teenagers by myself wile he lives it up in Florida. Ok I dont know if he is living it up all I know is I am stuck in NY working two jobs, may pick up a third at the rate things are going and one was offered to me yesterday to wok a day or two a week over night watching an elderly lady, and he appears to have no worried in the world. He doesn't even have to work because he is getting social security. It isn't fair but I know he isnt going to ever change and even if he did I don't want to be with him. Being with him was worse then how I am working my ass off to get no where and struggling. Remind your self of the bad times!! Fo me when it gets really bad I remind myself that he almost killed me not just with his hands but he was killing me inside! Also look at the face of your beautiful two year and know you do not want him seeing that behavior. The scars it leaves on children is heart breaking!!

I wasn't going to tell this story here but I will. The other night I got very upset and hit the wall. I know better and it hurt but I hit it anyway. My 13 year curled up in a ball over this. I have hit the wall before and she always gets upset, I need a stand for my stupid punching bag, but not like this. It hit me instantly why. She had a flash back to him doing that. She is 13 and because I didn't leave him earlier she gets to deal with PTSD and relive that crap, she was seven when I left. I feel so bad for her and hate myself for doing that to her the other night and that she witnessed stuff to cause that. I won't be hitting any walls again!!

My youngest was three when we left and she gets upset by stuff like that too. She is now 10 and still has memories from when we lived with him. My son is 16 and thankfully has turned around in the last nine months because he was on his way to being an abuser!! Please think of how your son is better off and don't make the same mistakes i made!!

Your grieving what you thought you had and never really did or will with him. Let go of those thoughts and remind your self hourly if you have to that life is better without him and know he is now happy. An abuser is never happy!! The best revenage truly is living well. I would rather work 24/7 then ever even consider taking back my ex even if he some how changed. Changing does not make the things he did ok.

You will get thought this. It takes time but you are stronger then you feel you are. You survied the abuse and will get past this!! Hugs!!!


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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 8:17am
"Who knows..maybe he is changing and is being amazing and turning his life around."

Sweetie, that quote up there is a huge line of BS that you are feeding yourself. He is NOT changing one iota. He's just found a new victim - one with plenty of money and a willingness to spend it on him. And all of these awful things you keep calling yourself - pathetic, lonely, etc., you have the power to change. Please contact your local dv agency about support group and/or counseling. The feelings you are experiencing are common to ALL of us here on this board.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 9:32am

Wow, what you said about your daughter's reaction to you hitting the wall was a lot to think about and I appreciate you putting it out there. You're so right about what it does to kids. Me giving birth to our daughter is what really drove me to start pulling away. I had no intention of having kids w/ him (we were together 6 yrs when I got pregnant) and something really struck me when he WENT to jail for most of my pregnancy, until the baby was 4 months old..I was very alone while pregnant, supported his ass in jail, he constantly berated me and I chalked (that time) up to him being so upset missing our daughter's birth...he promised change, again...And 3.."3" days home from jail, he was already putting me down and I quickly stopped looking forward to the end of my work day and coming home to him. I didn't want my little girl to see her dad treat her mom so freaking bad! He thinks because there's less physical violence, it's not so bad...I'm telling you, I almost forget my first name..I'm always having other women thrown in my face, I'm a wh*re, pig, fat, sl*t...neverending. I need to remember that. This lonely life and silence is so much better than walking on eggshells, giving in to his tantrums for something HE has to have (like a weekly haircut, but the baby needs shoes and I wear the same outfits over and over)...so let him have his old lady, let her give him everything he demands and she can lose her inner smile..I can work on getting mine back somehow. I'm so ashamed for what I've let him get away with (I have 2 much older kids that have gone thru hell w/ this too)...

Do you know that after I kicked him out, and he got involved in whatever..he had so so so much money and didn't throw a dime my way. I did end up filing for support (which is a pathetic joke of an amount) and he said how I love putting him 'through the system'...i'm also such a 'cop happy' or 'court happy' wh*re. So he is buying whatever he wants, brand new everything and didn't throw a dime my way..after years of giving him everything I had, doing without, replacing shirts he destroyed, not buying new clothes..and the cell phones..he broke em weekly...I did everything, lost so much and he didn't look out for me, nevermind his baby daughter. So after being alone and pregnant, seeing how he was when he came home to her, and then how he deserted her when he was financially set..that really broke me.

So I again thank you for sharing your daughter's reaction to you hitting the wall. You're right about the kids and the affect. I could see the change in my baby daughter when he was around...Do you know he would throw tantrums for sex, make me leave my toddler in another room, just so he can get off? Isn't that sick? And he would be aggravated when she would cry for me..Wow, I have to really start remembering this crap..self serving narcissistic SOB that he is. I could go on forever. I wish I could feel this empowered always.

gotta run. hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 9:34am

And in my heart I know he's most likely not changing. Just because he is not bothering me doesn't mean he's being a good man. I'm just not used to him not calling or anything.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 11:11am
I will respond more later but wanted you to know yes about the sex. What lead to him trying to kill me was me refusing to have sex with him. He never cared what was going on if he wanted sex I was to give it to him. An ex cl on another board made a joke out of him over it and wanted to get him a barrel. If he went two days without sex the world came to an end! I was with holding it to cause him pain. It is amazing to look back and see what we put up with and they don't change but like I said even if mine did I don't want him. The last tome I saw him it made my skin crawl when he touched me.

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Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 2:01pm

No, he wont change. Just take it from us women who have been there and hung around all this time. It would be harder to leave when your child is older, and your self esteem will be zero. So this is actually good that he is gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 4:20pm

I know..when I started writing out just a small piece of something that happened, I realized how dumb I must sound. It's not that I 'want' him..because when he was last around, I already felt the shift of anger and revulsion to how I felt about him...I'm laid up at home, out on leave because of a medical procedure gone bad (blood clots, one in lung), SO I have lots of time to just think. With that 'man' not calling me, I really have no one. I lost my social life, many friends and the ones I still have are so used to hardly tt me because that's how I conditioned our relationship. So I sit here and rely heavily on my mom to come by..I have to redo and restart and I start thinking about him- he gets to just float on to the next, not pay for anything, etc. I mean, he got out of jail while I was in the hospital, called my cell angry (I guess because he was drunk and my house was dark and I wasnt home), next afternoon when I was discharged, I came home to 3 flat tires. Police have investigated..can't prove it was him..so YET ANOTHER thing the SOB gets away with and I have to just accept. And yes, I called the police, but he only got a breach of release and pfa charge, and was bailed 1 minute after...

Yes I need to move on. I don't know how to let go of the anger. so i will just vent on here for now. No copay money for therapy. Taking it minute by minute.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: live1day
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 7:30pm

It does not sound stupid to me. I went though so much with my ex. He is the only guy in the world to really suffer from blue balls and it only took him two days to be in pain if you were to have asked him when i was with him and he couldn't relive himself. The crao i went though when he didn't get sex was unreal. I gave in to keep the peace because fighting wasn't worth it. If I happened to try and go to sleep when he wanted to fight he would keep me up till I gave in. If I some how managed to go to sleep without giving him sex I would wake up with him on top and in me. If I compalined about sex he would tell me how worthless he felt and so I would pretend I enjoyed it. I got to were I pretended to sleep though him having sex with me if i had managed to go to sleep so i didn't have to pretend it was ok, I had to sleep naked even when we were fighting or I heard about it. I don't understand how someone can enjoy sex with someone who isn't into it or sleeping but he never seemed to care.

You don't have no one you have us!! Yes we are on line but we are here and we understand. Sometimes we are slow to respond but we are here and try to help.

Nothing you have posted is anything I haven't felt at some point but we have to remind ourself that we are better off with out them and try not to think about what it is that they are doing or if they appear to be happy.

And I knew you didnt want "him" you want the him you thought you had and think he could be. But the him you thought you had was fake and he will never really be him. You deserve better!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
In reply to: live1day
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 11:51pm

I haven't been on the boards in a few days, but some song just sent me off and I sobbed like a nut...so I decided to come here to maybe write or just read someone else's post, as we all seem to have something in common.

It is so true w/ the sex. He put me thru so much for sex...even after drag out, horrible fights, where I would be at a point where I wish my heart would just stop beating, he would be relentless about the sex. I wish he'd get erectile dysfunction. That would destroy him...as it seems he is going to just get away w/ even more..I tt the DA about our March case and they are so overloaded I had to correct the DA about some info he was stating..like how my ex has no felonies..umm, yeah he does. All this time and hell I'm put thru and the offer they're putting out there for his next case review is an insult. And if we end up in trial, it could just go away all together, dependent upon the jury. He just gets away with every damn thing. I hate him I think. I know

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: live1day
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 8:50am

I want my ex to suffer too. I dont think about himor it much anymore but it has been six years since I left but in the beginning I felt the same way you do. your newly out and still going though the court process so it is fresh in your mind. What oyur feeling is perfectly normal but you have to find ways to let it go so you can move on. You dont want to be angry the rest of your life. I agree it is not fair that they get away with everything. When my ex showed up at court with a lawyer i was so mad i could have strangled him in front of everyone. I am not sure why I was shocked but for some reason i accpeted him to not fight what he had done but he did. When I talked to him he told me I was being overly dramtic that he wouldnt have killed me yet he clakims he blacked out and doesnt remember any of it. It sucks that for the past six years every one ina while I relive that night and so have at least two of my children and my oldest felt guilty for not being home that night and my son had to deal with the guilt of not calling 911 but it sadly life is not fair and we have to learn to deal with it. i hate what your going though and wish there was a magic way to make it go away but there isn't. It takes time and you have to process what you went though and learn to let go. Only you will know what it will take for you to let go. For me it helped he went to jail over something else. It wasnt long enough but at least he did and he is now a registered sexual offender and people who look that stuff up will know what he is to some degree!! i wish they had to wear a sign and i wish they suffered as we do but it won't ever happen and in time you will get past this.

Another thing that helped me is my mother had a rough life and she never let go of the anger. it turned into bitterness and with that she pushed everyone away. She has no one and I refuse to let myself turn into that!! If you let that happen you let him win. They want us to be miserable and we have to take that power away from them!!

((hugs))


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