Stuck in a cycle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2012
Stuck in a cycle
11
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 10:51am

I have been growing stronger by the day.

I see things differently. I see the cycle I am in. I see how toxic and bad things are. I look over my journal, reading over the many many pages of abusive, controlling and/or manipulative incidents. I can see the times where I become strong and then eventually I am worn down.

When its not happening, I see it clearly. I try to prepare myself. I try to develop a plan on what I will do/say the next time. But every time, once it begins, I go blank. I get sucked back into the cycle. I dont do the self respecting thing. I give into the enormous pressure and just take all the blame. I know cycles are hard to stop, but does anyone have any tips? I just cant seem to do what I should in the moment. Sometimes I think its because its easier to give in and avoid the drama, avoid any intense altercations. Sometimes I think its because Ive gotten sucked into the cycle so deep that I cant get out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 2:08pm

Hi, Dierdw!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2012
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 2:23pm
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 2:44pm

Hi DL, I'm so glad you decided to come over and post here.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2012
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 9:21am

Thank you for the time you took wiriting this post. I really liked the wesbite about the First One Hundred Days as well. Ive left before and always end up coming back.

It has been a very rough two days. Yesterday when he got upset with me, he said very hurtful things. I said "that is not appropriate and you cannot talk to me that way". He said "f*** this" and left. We were at a public park.

I was happy that I stuck up for myself, but of course, I can never "win" because he claims i "snapped" at him and that I was the one who was wrong. I feel hopeless. I tried hard to do something different, to have more respect for myself, but he twisted that to suit him as well!

After he said at least 5 more hurtful things, he calmed down and apologized. He said he will change and work on things. This morning my head is spinning. He cannot change because he thinks its me not him and because he doesnt see anything wrong with him. He projects everything.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 1:54pm

Dl, they ALL say they will change.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2012
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 2:31pm
Thanks. I have issued the go to counseling request before and he has gone to couples but not individual. We went for almost a year, didnt really do much for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2012
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 8:21am
Thanks for the recommendation of the "is he changing" list. Yesterday, i asked for something, he got upset, told me i was controlling, and was outright mean. I thought about that list and how he was showing that he wasnt really working on anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 10:56am

Hi;

It sounds alot like the walking on eggshells thing...When I was with my ex I never knew when that other guy would come out.
The mean aggressive yell at me guy.. I would wake up in morning and just go about my routine and he would just start trouble as I would call it.. If the sun was out he had a problem and if it was raining he couldnt deal with that. So I was the person he lashed out at for no reason. After awhile I got to figure out whatever I did or said wasnt right and I started walking on eggshells. Always afraid and waiting for the shoe to drop.. Those feelings were the worst and I had no idea how to react anymore.. The only thing that worked was leaving.. I must have left so many times and kept thinking if I just kept leaving he would change. He never changed or I dont think he did.. I just got tired of the crazy making so I left for the last time and that was that. (long story)

Take care for Now and keep posting.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 9:08pm
Gosh..you sound like me..All I can is LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE now before you have any kids together.
It will only get worse. Keep coming to the board for strength but he is NOT going to change, this cycle will continue and the more you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

It is very easy to feel "it is not bad enough" when you are in a calm mode.

Here is a poem for you and all of us.

I Got Flowers Today
(Dedicated to Battered Women)

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 9:46am

Fantastic poem, Winter--and so true!

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