Stumbled across some old emails from my ex husband .............

Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Stumbled across some old emails from my ex husband .............
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Sun, 08-05-2012 - 12:53pm

I was looking though my hotmail account to try and find the recipe for macaroni salad his mother sent me years ago. It is in one of the folders on that account. Forgot I had ones saved from him. Saved a couple to prove how crazy he was in case I needed it because in one he threatened to fight the divorce and said how he knew where I worked but had left me alone. Now not sure who sent that one because he was in jail at the time but since I have one from his mom at the same time I bet it was her, she wanted his baby pictures. The emails had no effect on me!! I deleted them too. I don't need them. I am hoping this means I have made progress towards healing.


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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Oh HECK YEAH.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003

It felt so good to not feel anything. I laughed at a few of them. The last one someone sent pretending to be him was the funniest now but I remember how I felt when I first got it. I paced outside all upset he may be able to get the kids sent to him. But that didn't last long till I started thinking rationally and realized he didn't have a leg to stand on. The next day I called my lawyer and told him to go ahead and have the police serve the divorce papers to his mothers house. Had others were he talked about how the kids wanted nothing to with him and ones were he blamed that on me. I was turning the kids against him. I bet at the time they came in they upset me but now nothing and now they are gone. Also forgot after I left him he was reading the board I posted on. He claimed it was his mother reading it but never believed him. They really are a piece of work aren't they?


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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001

WOOOOHHOOOOOO A~!!!!  Do you realize you have FINALLY reached that state that I've talked about for so long, and how it ties into KNOWING that you have healed?  You saw old e-mails and not only didn't let them bug you, you actually laughed at them and deleted them.  Girl, I hereby bestow upon you the word APATHY. 

Remember all the times I've talked about having apathy for the abuser in my life?  Didn't care one way or the other if he lived or died, I had NO feelings left for him?  That is apathy.  One of my favorite authors, Leo Buscaglia, wrote a book on love and in it he wrote that hate was not the opposite of love, apathy was.  Because when we "hate" it shows that we still have feelings towards that person.  Rather, he stated that the opposite of love, being apathetic towards someone means that you have NO feelings for them whatsoever.  It's the hope that I have for all of our members, that someday they will also feel apathy towards the abuser in their life.  That's when you are truly healed. 

It's my opinion that harboring anger, resentment, hatred and the desire to "get even" with the abuser(s) in our lives doesn't hurt them one little bit, but it continues to hurt US a lot.  I'm not saying you have to forgive, I'm saying you have to, at some point, CHOOSE TO LET IT GO.  And that is when you really start to spread your freedom wings and fly. 

Great post, A~, IMO, things happen when they do for a reason, when they are supposed to happen.  You were ready for this, you faced the challenge and you came away on top of it.  Just 18 months or so ago, you would have been a wreak over this and mad as a wet hen.  That is GROWTH!  Keep on keepin' on.  How's that other "situation" going?

Mama Harmony

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Registered: 01-02-2008

wow. I hear what you are saying Cajon and I thought I was apathetic but recent turn of events has me feeling different.. I dont think you guys remember but my ex is renting out our old marital home and I have to go there and get the rest of my things. Okay. that is fine but I actually thought for a minute that wow I hope when he moves it doesnt work out for him and that he wanders around the planet like I did for years not having a place to call home.. I mean I think maybe its the karma coming around or why do I care??

I know what apathy is but I still cant shake some feelings I feel. Is that the same thing?? The most thing I am upset about is that the house and not him but then a thought came into my head that I hope he finds himself homeless like I was.. To me that isnt really a good thought right??

Of course this will pass the next second I think about it but still and its been so many years but sometimes we get these triggers as Queen did with the emails..

 

Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001

Okay, you bring up a good point about triggers, free.  I still, very rarely, experience a trigger.  I think we all do, even if we have reached the point of apathy.  It's how we deal with that trigger that really shows us where we are in that healing journey.  And you were dead on the money in your assessment of your "apathy" level. If there are things that are still "upsetting" you, raising anger, resentment or any other emotion that isn't healthy and helpful for you, then you haven't reached the point of "apathy" yet.  Apathy is when, regardless of what happens concerning the abuser in your life, good, bad or indifferent, you say, "Eh.", and go on with your day without another single thought about it coming up.  When the abuser in my life died, his mother called and told me and I cried.  However, the tears weren't for him, they were for his mother, who is a wonderful woman.  I don't care who you are and what kind of rotten kid you raise, no mama should ever have to bury their child.  I cried for her, but my main thought about him was, "Finally, he is finally free of his worst enemy - himself." And then I went on with my day and went and filed for social security survivor's benefits for my dd the next day.  And the triggers do fade with time as well.  I got zapped a couple of months ago by a very sneaky trigger that I didn't see coming and it was a small one.  What twigged me so bad was that I even got triggered after all these years of not being triggered by anything.  So, yeah, I truly do understand about those "sneaky" gotchas.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

yes Cajon I dont think we can do anything else but go on after all said and done.. I once attended a workshop about resilency. I learned there that its not the problems and the tragedies we go through but how we bounce back.. So far I have bounced back from my good and not so good situations.. I think I have done pretty well considering I moved so many times and I stayed away from the abuse for almost 6 years  now.. I just feel though that I never want to forget it although that is becoming more and more less now. I just most days cant even remember being abused at all.. and that is probably a good thing..

thank you so much ..You are a great as always..

 

Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Lol, free, no thanks necessary. I have mentioned "Let it go"; "Give it up", that sort of thing, but I don't think I've ever said to "Forget it." I wouldn't, I couldn't. I can never forget, but what I CAN do is work to diminish the impact of it in the rest of my life, no longer give it power and place in my life. It truly IS about how we "cope and handle" (that's a joke from an old boss of mine). Once my mom gave me an ad about "Victory". The gist was that the victory didn't come in winning, but in getting up and trying AGAIN when you didn't win. I am glad I always managed to drag somehow to my feet. It was usually with help from someone who was there for me. The days when you can't 'remember', that's called healing. It's becoming what you were, not who you ARE now and those memories don't matter so much anymore, because you KNOW in your heart of hearts that you will NOT go there again. You've read, learned, listened, shared and have educated yourself about dv and all the wonderful (HA) things that go with it. with that knowledge has come the power to grow and prosper from where you've been, and firm in your resolve NOT to ever go back there. And you have to be darned determined to become a survivor. It's simple, but it's not easy by any means. Most women start over with at least one child, and basically from scratch. Oh heck no, it's not easy. But if you want to be truly free, you do it.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Amen Sista!!! (ha ha)

I wanted to also say that since I have been on my journey alot of people have said how great of a person that I am.. Well? What I find interesting and can never figure out is how abusers make us turn into people we are not.. I remember right before I left ex and I literally lunged at him and my therapist said time to pack up and leave him... I was like omg.. I was turning into him and God forbid I didnt want to be like him.. So not sure I left that day but I think I started my plan for escape that day..

well? I would never go back to that hell or any kind of hell (hopefully) because Cajon I am too old now to tolerate those things. (ha ha) I dont even think I tolerate the toxic people around me anymore. I just gladly decline their offers or slowly detach and get rid of them asap.. They could be friends or neighbors or whomever. It feels very empowering.

I call it drama now and I am usually a very peaceful person.. things I can control I do and things I cant I give to God.

Its so great to be sharing this conversation with you on a lazy hazy Monday.. I am unemployed right now and I get to do a bunch of stuff I cant do if  I was working.. Getting so spoiled..

 

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Yeah!! I am glad to have finally reached APATHY!! Feels good that his words had no power over me. I know when they did I gave him power that he didn't deserve and he would love to know he still has power over me but he no longer does and it does feel great!!

Yes I remember you talking about it and I wondered if I would ever feel that way.

The other situation is at a stand still. He is trying to convince me he messed up and is sorry. I am not buying into it. Last week he Emilee me songs that made him think of me. It was sweet but a little to late is how I am still feeling about it all. I miss him and the things he is saying makes it hard to not run back to him but this is not the first time things like this have happened and I keep reminding myself of that and so fair its working. His crap is still here but my oldest is about to take it to him for me, LOL. She wants him gone the most. She is tired of seeing me upset over stuff he does and she does not believe he will change, I have no idea if he will or can just know I don't want to ever hurt the way he hurt me not to long ago. My stomach can't take it!! I told him that back in the beginning of May but he still pulled his crap.

News on my stomach is a hiatal hernia and gerd. He did test for Chrons dieses though and I am a little freaked out over that. He did say he didn't think it was but while he was there was going to check. Umm not so sure I believe that but hoping he was telling the truth but of course once it hit me what he said I had to go look it up. (sigh). I go back Thursday so at least I don't have to long to wait to find out but I am not a happy person over that right now.


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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001

Okay, A~, you're doing fantastic.  This stomach stuff - recall how I'm always talking about "when your gut starts talking to you, listen to it".  It would not surprise me if once everything with "other situation" is finalized and ends are tidied up, you feel a LOT better and can relax some.  I know that while you are worried about a possible Crohn's diagnosis, there's an old saying they teach in med school.  When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.  Docs nowadays test for everything "just to make sure".  I will be sending out positive vibes for you.

How are the kids doing getting ready to head back to school?  Mine returns the 15th, which is too danged hot down here, but hey, they get 3 days off for Mardi Gras.  We do have our priorities, you know. LOLOLOL!



Mama Harmony

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