surviving but frustrated
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 09-11-2005 - 12:34pm |
Hi everyone, I haven't posted in awhile because as you all know, I left about six weeks ago and I've been extremely busy every since, trying to organize my new place (which is awesome!!!) and working (I couldn't take any time off) and getting ready for the baby (due in 6 weeks).
During the last 6 weeks of being gone, I have had a couple of conversations with my STBX husband, and he was trying to be really nice to me. Its funny, but I knew that it wouldn't last and I liked knowing that I could vent to him about my feelings towards him and his abuse and he actually had to listen to me, because he was "trying" to understand why I had left, etc. That felt good.
Then about 10 days ago I went back to the house to get some things and he agreed to "be good." Every thing went well until it was time to load my stuff in the car. I had locked the doors to the car and I said "can you unlock the door" and he used his own key ring in which he also had a key. The key didn't work. He immediately started yelling, "you f---ing b----!!!!! You stole my f-----g key!!" I did not!! I'm still standing there with all this stuff and he is freaking out about a key! He turned and started running towards the house screaming, "get off my f-----g property you wh-re!!" I jumped into the car and took off!! He didn't follow me. The next day I called him and he said "I'm not talking to you until you get another key cut." I said, "let me get this straight. If I get a key cut, then you'll talk to me?" He said "yup." I said "well, we have a kid coming, so you'll talk to me without a key." He said "I don't care about him" (the baby is a boy). I said, "you don't care about your son?" He said, "nope." I said "you don't care what happens to your son?" Again he responded with "nope." I said, "the last conversation that I will ever have with you is going to be about you rejecting your son?" He said "yup." I hung up and I have never spoke to him again. That was 10 days ago.
Since then, I have gone from extreme sadness to extreme anger. Sometimes in the same day. I feel his very intense frustration. I flucuate from wanting to phone him and tell him exactly what I think of him to plotting some kind of revenge on him. I end up doing neither, but I do fantasize about it. I cry because I'm frustrated and hurt. I know that calling him will serve absolutely no purpose! Yet it frustrates me. I have such a hard time understanding why anyone can be so mean. How does an abuser actually live with himself?? I wonder why he doesn't call me and try to make things right, like some abusers will attempt to do (even if it is brief and shallow). I know I should be glad that he doesn't call, but it hurts in a different way. I know that I don't want to get back with him - I can think about all the things that he has done to me and I know without a doubt that I want a divorce, but I still feel hurt that he doesn't even care enough to even TRY to get me back. He has always said that I am very persistent (it is one of the things that he actually hates about me) because I would never let something go (I have fought hard for every thing in my life and I am very persistent)- I also always called him back when he hung up on me - I would rage at him for being insensitive and childish. When we would "make up" he would tell me "I know I should call you back, but I let pride get in the way."
So now, I don't know if it is pride or he just doesn't give a crap. I wonder if other women feel this way - the frustration, the hurt, the confusion - yet don't want him back. I don't understand how a 42 year old man can think this way!
I know that I need to focus on me and the baby and I am doing that. I'm really happy in my new place. I know that I did the right thing - I have absolutely NO regret about leaving. I know that I don't want him back. I know that I cannot love someone like him and I don't even miss him! The only thing I miss is what it SHOULD have been and never was!! So I miss a dream, not a memory!! So why, why, why, do I let these thoughts come in and cause me to wonder WHY?? What does it mean when he does not call me?? Any thoughts?

Honey, you should be glad he DOESN'T call you.
Darling, in my opinion be glad that he isn't contacting you. Mine would not leave me alone to the point where i was completely and utterly exhausted all the time.
I never went back to my ex's place unless I had a friend escort me there to prevent scenarios like that. Never go there alone. He could feel like he has nothing to lose and even get to the point of stabbing you or something crazy. Remember, he is sick, very sick, and may do something you'll regret, not that he will.
Don't contact him for anything, but make sure to go after him for child support payments if it's possible. You don't want him to be your child's father anyhow, so don't worry about him not contacting you.
He isn't calling because he wants you to call and beg for forgiveness, starting the cycle all over again. DON'T DO IT. This early on it's easy to get pulled back into it, especially when they manage to do the fake "i'm cured" bit which I'm sure will be coming your way shortly.
Avoid this man. He is toxic.
:)
I understand exactly what you're going through. We thought we knew these guys, we kept giving them chances to prove they weren't as awful as they were acting, we kept hoping for the best and instead we kept getting the worst. We miss the people we thought & hoped they were. We also miss the routine because routine is familiar & at least there's somebody to talk to, but the thing we always have to remember is that it always turns to garbage. What these guys think or feel about us doesn't matter because they're jerks. They need to be gathered up & shipped off to another planet.
Hang in there. When you find yourself thinking about him, grab a pen and write down all the crap he used to say & do to you or, better yet, find something else to think about, something that makes you feel good.
What does it mean when he doesn't call you? It means that you can finally live a good life free of abuse.
I know...I know...
He actually called me yesterday regarding some things he wanted dropped off at his place. I said, "I'll leave them at your place when you are not home." He said "is my digital camera going to be there?" I told him that once I got the pictures onto the computer I would give it back. He said, "I'll get them off and email it to you."
We talked about other things and NOT ONCE did he ask me about the baby or how I was feeling, etc. Finally, I mentioned this and he said "I can tell by your voice that you are fine." WTF??? That really made me mad! He was more concerned about his digital camera then he was about me or the baby. He said, "I love you and I care about the baby." I said, "I don't believe that. I am convinced that you don't" I mean really! Does he think his behaviour implies that he loves us? Or that I will buy into that?
Now I don't know why I cared if he called or not. I wish he hadn't.