Sympathy for 'abusive' spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Sympathy for 'abusive' spouse
1
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:27pm
Although, I know my husbands behavior is unnaceptable and I am coming to terms that it is abusive as well...I feel so much sympathy for him ( one of the reasons I've stayed)

When he is not in one of his 'episodes' he is kind and caring, a good man. He has so many problems from his past and present. I want to leave but I do not want to abandon him. Is this a common feeling?

Can I help him or will my staying around just motivate him to abuse (mental and verbal) me more?

I cannot understand myself sometimes. I know I do not deserve this treatment and that it is hurting me and will hurt my son but I am thinking of him more! What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:50pm
There is NOTHING wrong with you. What you are feeling is normal for the point that you are at. It is conditioning by them to have us think first and foremost of them and their feelings and how things will affect them.

I understand totally what you are feeling. I want to leave, but I don't want to abandon him. But that is how they have managed to "keep" us. They have taken advantage of our compassionate ways and now we feel "obligated" to hang around and try to fix them, or help them. But only THEY can fix themselves. Only they can realize (or not) that they have a problem.

Continue to read, and learn all you can about abuse. Emotional abuse is extremely covert and hard to understand. Eventually, you will be able to think about yourself before you think about him. It comes with learning about how he is controlling and manipulating you.

And yes, you are correct, you don't deserve to be treated poorly. Your time will come when you are ready to take care of you first.

Hugs,

ples