Taking it Too Far with More Issues?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Taking it Too Far with More Issues?
20
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:54pm

DH is going to individual counseling now for the "abuse". He used to admit all the time he had a problem and knew it, but now he is behaving as he's only doing this bc its the only way to keep me. It seems that out of nowhere his attitude changed severely. He went from admitting, confronting and willing to address. Now he skips the first two and is only "addressing". make sense?


I dont know what to make of it. He is really trying but comments are sending me clues that he should focus not only on his anger/mood problems... but his ATTITUDE as well, which comes with several sub-categories.


Attitude mainly being his view/perception about women and relationships. I have a feeling that his frustration comes from the attitude which clashes with my ideals. things like:


If he doesnt get HIS way it means I'm forcing him to change, when in fact- I call it marital compromise. So if i have an opinion different from his or want to disagree on something- he gets mad and insists im making him change "who he is". ie; he likes to read FHM and Blender etc and I think those mags are infiltrated with horrible pictures and views of women. We agreed he'd keep them out of my sight. Good compromise. But to him... he was forced to change.


He knows how i feel about strip clubs but I trusted him anyway. However he proved to me at his bachelor party that he canNOT be trusted so he promised to never step foot in a strip club again. Which made me feel slightly better... but he calls that a "change".


I have celiac and crohn's disease which requires STRICT diet and likelihood of me passing it on to my child is 80%. I can deal with all his cookies and pastas and pizzas around the house now bc I am an adult and have trained myself to steer from those cravings. However, DH gets excited and mad at the thought of our home being COMPLETELY Celiac and Crohn's freindly bc i dont want to have to raise a child with the disease saying "no you cant eat that, thats bad for you" as he watches his Daddy scarf down a pizza... possibly leading him to "cheat" at school and become very ill. DH knows and understands the severity and seriousness but gets soooooo raving mad when i say we have to agree on that BEFORE we have kids, bc i will NOT allow Daddy to shove it in my childs face all the goodies and yummy-smelling foods he can eat but they cant and put them at risk for illness when they try it outside of the home. but DH calls it "forced change" and makes excuses as to why he SHOULD be able to eat what he wants. seriously... i live on frozen veggies, plain meat and skinless fruit, water and grape juice. Its hard enough for ME to smell pizzas and pastas and Jumbalaya etc etc, cant imagnie what my child would go through. DH can eat whatever he wants OUTSIDE of the home or away from our children. why is that such a horrible request? i have to give him credit though... he DOES take so much time in preparing MY meals and making sure I'm eating well and what I should so i have no doubt he'd do the same for our kids... but i just dont want him fixing our child and SCD meal and sitting down with him to eat HIS milk and cookies.


Since he is kind of a control freak and has a distorted view of how roles are played in marraiges i am concerned about the following in which he feels are NOT wrong:


caught him cyber-sexing another woman a year ago, to my knowl. it hasnt happened since, he watches porn about three times a week and I've found some of them disturbing etc and when confronted his excuse was that when you dowload porn for free you put in key words but could get something bad w/o knowing it, but he still WATCHED them anyway so i dunno. Then his exgf was sending him naughty emails saying she was going to kick my a$$ and talking about tying him up and getting rough, talking about her erotica novel and appearance in FHM and reminding him of her nude photos , THEN his bachelor party.... he got private dances and then dry humped these two women, touched them and let them talk dirty to him. I felt completely betrayed and he excused it off course as "all men do that, most do worse" and "i was drunk" and "you only have a problem with it bc you were raped 8 yrs ago and your ex faincee cheated on you with a stripper". etc the only things he does now is watch porn and ive accepted that i can get over it, no big deal, but asked him to just erase the history or document once he views so that I dont have to constantly be aware of it. I thought that was a compromise too but apparently its forcing him to change. whatever.


now- since he is going to counseling for his anger I'm wondering if the attitude should be addressed as well... or do those go hand-in-hand and the counselor will know that??


I'm wondering if/how i should approach DH about the porn. Normally I dont care and understand fantasy vs reality with men etc... but now im recognizing a controlling/poor attitude thing in women coming from him...especially towards me and I'm wondering if the porn will deflict his counseling/therapy? do you think the porn and what it depicts of women could be part of the problem if he continues to watch it? i know that since ive usually been okay with it, now is a sore time to ask him NOT to watch it bc it will only causae ANOTHER argument and he'll say "jesus christ what ELSE do you want me to change!!!".


i dunno. any comments? should i keep it to myself for now since we are at peace and doing well and just wait to discuss it with the counselor?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:26pm

My best to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 12:39am
Are you sure? Because I read somewhere that 70% of abusive relationships or marriages(not sure which or if it was both?)end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 8:36am

yep. obviously this isnt the place for me. Hope, im not in denial whatsoever, which is why i came here. and i KNOW i will get honest feedback and the rules are not to write in shades of pink to put icing on the situation.... but consistent negativity isnt going to help me. I printed this out for my counselor and she recommended i steer clear from these types of comments. especially now that

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:28am
The statistic came from a "Count to Ten" workbook in dealing with domestic violence.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:18pm
If I was in a situation where the guy never raised a hand to me and was actively trying to correct the problem, I think I would also consider working things out with him. I think a lot of people here may be bitter or negative because they have been through so much themselves. But I think they mean well. Myself, I guess I would see some bitterness in myself too, if I looked around for it. But guess I am too tired and anxious to notice it at the moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:32pm

Saralydia, I wish you and your husband all the best in your endeavors.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:34pm

Not bitterness as much as wanting people to realize abuse for the evil it is.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 4:25am

For what it's worth, from a long time lurker of this board I've not seen bitterness or negativity on this board. What I've seen are steady, unaltering reminders of the truth given out by caring, compassionate people. And thank God you do, there is so much confusion coming from what's heard from the abuser and what we want to believe that sugar-coating merely feeds and encourages the denial.




A similar issue on another board merited the following response from a member, and I think she said it best:



"...We live and learn, for all of you that are giving and caring enough to post thank you. It does help and when the student is ready the teacher will arrive.
even if the postee is unreceptive others will thankfully recieve do not give up please.




Once again thank you"




The cl's on this board never fail to amaze me. You guys are awesome.




~2nd_life




"You can't control the length of your life,

but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 7:44am

ALL:


After my original post on this thread I discussed how my husband had a wonderful breakthrough, how I felt joyous about he good news to share in our calm and successful conversation. I spoke about him completely volunteering to never watch porn again EVER although i didnt have a major problem with it bc he decided that the internet and some images may effect or interfere with his therapy. I spoke how he voluntarily and unprovokingly declared his understanding for my feelings and took complete ownership of the abuse and how it has effected me. He was anticipating seeing his new psychologist that saturday and he explained that everything he ever said was out of insecurity and anger and he psychoanalyzed it the best he could in a calm way and apologized and said "its just not how i really feel and i promise you that i understand how those things i said and did made you feel". I thought after my first, 2nd and third post on this thread, Id get a few cheers and "way to go"s. But instead I got:


So, the question for you is why are you with someone who discounts your feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:39pm
I guess some people maybe myself included didn't get too optimistic about the breakthrough because we've been through stuff like this. My ex husband said all the right words about abuse, how it was his problem and he acted that way out of his insecurity and he didn't really believe any of the things he said. He read one book about abuse and he really understood and he went to a female counselor for one year and sometimes it would seem like he really got it,he said all the right things about the nature of abuse and his role in it, but the changes never lasted he always backslid. But before I get too negative this reminds of an Oprah episode about abuse. It was actually an Oprah after the show on the Oxygen channel. This man was a cop and on his third marriage. He beat his first two wives. He beat his third wife one time because she was talking to an old boyfriend of hers. She turned him in after that one incident, he was arrested, jailed then court ordered into an abuser program. They also drew up a contract with a lawyer that states if there is one more incident of physical abuse she gets everything-the house all assets all hers. Your husband isn't physically abusive, but that woman stayed and he beat her pretty bad and it looks like from what they said on Oprah that things are working out. So maybe it will work for you too, no I'm not sugarcoating again, I still think if it does you'll be the exception.

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