Talking about money & guilt…

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Talking about money & guilt…
6
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 4:57pm

Here is how my husband sees the money issue. He is constantly badgering me about money. I was the one who was greedy and wanted a big family (something he was aware of when he married me) and I was the one who wanted the big house. Well, I have worked for 30 years and while my income isn’t that great I do provide all the medical benefits and some of the savings for college from my job. I so wanted to be a stay at home mother but he said that if I wanted all of these kids then I would have to help support them. So I kept my job, changing shifts to be with my kids as much as possible while still working full time. I also helped him with his business at the same time. I would answer his phone, prepare his court papers and be at his beck and call all day in his (home) office and then go to my job from 3 – midnight. He at one time told me that I wasn’t doing my share!!!!

He has always been trying to make me feel guilty for putting such a financial strain on him, under which burden he tells me he is now going crazy. This from a highly intelligent, educated at one of the best colleges, attorney. After we were married he announced that he did not want to be successful. Translation: he was not going to exert himself the least bit to make any money. His motto should be why earn it when you can borrow it. He used to borrow money from his widowed mother while she was still alive and also and still does borrow money from my 85/87 year old parents who worked very hard for the comfortable (but by no means well off) financial situation they are now in. Can you imagine the humiliation I feel that my perfectly capable husband is borrowing (and oftentimes not bothering to pay back) money from them. And where is his pride???? When my mother tells me to remind him that he owes her $1500 I tell her that I will, but I know that I can’t bring up the subject because he will start screaming at me.

His latest thing that he is holding against me is that I - in desperation one day because we couldn’t pay my daughter’s last college tuition bill - told him I could borrow some money from my retirement account. He immediately insisted that I borrow $15000. Then I realized that if I borrow all that money that I would not have a pay check coming in for the next year and also that if I use that money, that my emergency money would be gone and if I got laid off from my job in the next year that I would have no way of paying it back. My husband is using this against me now telling me that I do not help him or support him. He is bringing in almost no money now and wants to borrow my retirement account to pay bills!!! Remember his motto above? He has been working for family court now for about 23 years and all of a sudden about 5 years ago he stopped submitting his payment vouchers. No explanation. No matter how much I tried to talk to him about it I got a brick wall. Now they are paying $75 an hour. My husband spends many hours working there and is letting it all go down the drain. I think I have finally figured it out. He is punishing me by not collecting the money. Does that sound right?

I feel that even though I was the one who wanted the big family and the house that I have been contributing throughout our marriage to ease the burden on him but he is using the house and the kids expenses to make me feel guilty. The reason we have such a large mortgage on the house is because again I foolishly took out a home equity loan when my kids were getting near college age thinking I could use the money over time to pay the tuition. Guess what he did with the money. Right! He used it all to pay bills with instead of earning any!!! Without telling me. Now we have twice as big a mortgage and no money to pay tuition. Is this a form of financial abuse or what!

And btw, I have tried to discuss selling the house (which I was the one who wanted) to get out of the burden and go to something much less of financial strain and he won't even discuss it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 5:52pm

This is definitely financial abuse, and emotional abuse on top of it.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:21pm

Something tells me he's not really working free of charge, Mom. Even sticking it to you wouldn't be worth $75/hour; he's probably getting paid and hiding the money. He could be stashing it, but ten to one he has some very nasty, expensive habit. Are there any signs of drug use or blocks of time when he goes missing? And of course it's abuse, big time. You are not obligated to support all the children, including him, until they grow up.

Giving you a hard time about having kids is abuse too. He had the power to say no and deal with the consequences, even if that meant your leaving. HE could have used condoms, had a vasectomy, or taken a vow of chastity. HE chose to go along with it. (I have a personal problem with people who think they're entitled to unprotected but magically baby-free sex.)

Use caution and take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:38pm

Wow - good.

You know, I bet you're right. I find it really hard to believe that a man would forego paychecks and work for free just to stick it to his wife. Deny his children college educations? Mortgage the house, borrow money from family, demand that his wife work shift jobs when he's pulling in about $150k?

75hr x 40hrs = $3,000

3,000 x 52 weeks = $156,000

Something is really, really amiss here. He's either got a major drug problem or he's funneling money elsewhere.

Or is he really *that* mean? "I work for free to deny my children." That's evil.

Wow.




Edited 6/7/2005 9:43 pm ET ET by elysium2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 11:28pm

I had to take a deep breath before replying to this one in order to not get on my soap box. Ok, well I agree with the pay check issue. The man is so obessed with money, why would he punish himself by not taking money earned? He wants to punish you right? He could accomplish the same thing by keeping the money as a backup (in case you wise up and dump him) and use yours to keep him comfortable. Of course he is going to be upset about you spending money on the kids and so on...... Because he is living off of you and you are possibly putting him in a position he may have to dip into his own money to take care of things.

This is exactly, not a bit different, precisely to a T, what mine did to me. I was shocked at first since I didn't wise up until after I filed for divorce. I just could not fathom why any man would do such a thing and deprive his family of money just to feed his own selfishness. But I guarantee you that it can happen. People can really be that vicious and nasty. And it looks like that is what is happening to you. If he is actually spending time working and you can prove it, then you can legitimatly say he is depriving you and the family. Whether he neglects to take the money or is stashing it, this is still up in the air, to be fair. But it doesn't matter, he is still depriving you. And even if he hasn't collected it, if you dump him, he can easily go back and request the back pay I would think. So I tend to think the money never evaporated. He has it or has access to it. And it sounds like a pretty sum. But I wouldn't advise on approaching him about the matter. It only makes them blow up. If you ever want to go after the money, you should get a lawyer to assist, because he won't hand it over willingly. And please, take care of yourself and be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 8:35am

If *this* isnt a perfect example of financial abuse (never MIND emotional!), nothing is! C'mon! He is a freaking atty for God sakes? & who paid back his school loans i wonder? His parents? That is PATHETIC that he takes money from these elderly people!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 10:30am

Hi: Thanks for all of the moral support. I used to wonder why he did all of the things he did that made no sense, regarding money and otherwise. Coming here has provided all of the answers and validation for my feelings (and lack of) for my husband now. We are all dealing with the same roller coaster life! It’s a great feeling to be able to explain my abnormal relationship with my husband to people who know just what I am talking about.

Rebecca, you brought up a good point about school loans. I was just remembering the other day how when we got married I had $10,000 in the bank and he had a $10,000 student loan! Yeah, he conveniently forgets to bring that one up in his tirades about money.

Oh, and whenever his attorney license is up for renewal he threatens to not renew and let what little is left of the rest of his practice go. Isn’t he wonderful!

I kind of think that he went along with having all the kids (we have 5 but he only objected when I wanted the last one) because he was thinking that he would have something to hold over me for many, many years. You know how they have to keep us thinking we are the cause of all of their problems. Does that sound too harsh, accusing him of using our kids to punish me?

As far as his collecting and hiding the money, I don’t think so. I have always typed his payment vouchers..but he could be doing it sneakily. I never thought of that. He does not have a drug habit and really doesn’t spend any money on himself. He doesn’t disappear for long periods of time, but how would I know what he does when I am working, right? I know he sometimes goes to the bookstore but other than that I don’t have any reason to suspect anything. But anything is possible! They can certainly justify their committing all kinds of crap in their minds.

But I do think he is just letting it all go down the drain to punish me. I have come to realize that these guys have something in their brain (neurotransmitters or whatever) that just don’t function the way a normal brain does.

Thanks for letting me get this all off my chest for the very first time. You guys are wonderful!