Tell me IF I AM IN DANGER, Please

Avatar for jorene_222
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tell me IF I AM IN DANGER, Please
5
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 4:59pm

Please tell me how much danger I am in; do you think he might commit homicide here.

My boyfriend of 3 years, has on many separate occasions he has shoved me around, thrown things across the room, yelled and yelled for no reason at all, has held me down, has slapped me, lots of verbal abuse, lots of profanity, has dragged me across the room, everything short of killing me.
The last angry episode was last night--he tore all the items of clothing off of me, just because I was too busy to give him what he calls attention. He never has a good reason for those actions.

Jonathan is very controlling, always demanding to know where I am, who I am talking to, blah blah blah..... As for myself I am a person of average intell, with a good job. My family is telling me to leave him. What will he be like? Will he one day kill me? I don't know how to leave.

HELP. I will read all replies. Thank you. Jorene

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 5:13pm

I think in abusive relationships where the physical and mental abuse is as you describe, there is definitely the chance of homicide. I would get away from him ASAP but wouldn't do it alone. Definitely contact a shelter to help formulate an exit plan. It won't be easy but there are women on this board who are survivors and who will tell you it's possible. I'd check out the board website for more advice. Hopefully some of the other ladies will jump in here with some more thoughts. My situation isn't physical but I know leaving a physically violent person requires some planning. Please know that you in no way deserve this treatment. Good luck getting out.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 5:22pm

Hi Jorene,

The most important thing here is that you know that he is abusive - you need to get out before something horrible happens.

Has he ever said that he will kill you if you do something?? or even said that if you do this he will kill himself? I can't say what he will do - but abusers have a screwed up mind... He probably thinks this is normal (like my abuser did)

Nobody deserved to be hit, shoved, yelled at, sworn at... NOBODY deserves that. He is trying to control you and that is why he got so angry at you last night. You were not listening to him, and he wasn't able to control you.. that is why he blew up. They are all about control. When they aren't in control, they go off the rails. If he did have any reasons for his actions, he would probably be blaming them on someone/somethng else. Abusers will NEVER take responsibility for their actions. He has to know what you are doing and where you are going - all about control again.

My family told me the same thing. It is very difficult to see the relationship when you are right in the middle of it. It is also very difficult hearing people you love telling you to get out of your relationship. You family knows you, and they have probably seen you changing when you are around him. Maybe watching what you say, or don't do certain things anymore because he doesn't want you too. You start thinking of all the great times in the relationship, and sometimes forget about the bad. But the good times will never outweight the bad times. The bad times were abusive. Only 1% of abusers change, with them actually admitting they have a problem, and are willing to fix it.

Can you go and stay with family or friends?? (I am guessing that you live with him?) Have you mentioned anything to him about breaking up?? He will do anything and everything to try and win you back after you leave. He is say how sorry he was and that it will never happen again (it will), say he will die without you, say he will kill himself, say he can't go on without you, tell you your the only one for him - this list could go on, but you probably get the point. He will do anything to win you back, but do not accept.... it will just go back to his abusive ways eventually.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:53pm

If you think you are in danger, you probably are. And it does sound like homicide is not impossible for this guy, considering all that he's done in the past.

I agree to talk to a local women's shelter. They can help you formulate a plan to get out safely. Also, check out our board website, accessible through the link at the top of the start page. It contains the national DV hotline, as well as information to help you decide what to do next.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:31am

jorene...he does sound like he's a risk and your safety could be in jeopardy. Just the fact that you're worried tells me that he is high risk. Your intuition is valuable. In my work at a domestic violence agency, officials in my county use a risk assessment checklist which I will post here for you to evaluate your situation. The more you check, the greater the risk or the greater the intensity of behavior. There is sometimes risk even if there are few checked. Risk assessment is complicated. Your local DV shelter can help you with safety planning and you can find a lot of information on the internet about it, including on this board's website.

WARNING SIGNS OF DANGER IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CASES

Perpetrator: __________________________________________

_____ The perpetrator has threatened to injure or kill the victim, himself, or others. Particularly if they describe how, where, when, etc..

_____ The perpetrator is capable of severe levels of violence (choking, kicking, banging victim’s head against things, etc.)

_____ The perpetrator has used weapons to threaten or assault in past.

_____ The perpetrators use of threats and violence has escalated.

_____ The perpetrator is obsessed with victim.

_____ The perpetrator is unwilling to let the victim go.

_____ The perpetrator blames the victim for all problems.

_____ The perpetrator is hostile/angry/furious or out for revenge.

_____ The perpetrator appears to be deeply depressed, distraught, or despondent.

_____ The perpetrator went to extreme lengths to trap the victim in the relationship (isolated from family friends, prevented from going to school or working, limiting or cutting off access to money or resources, or activities are monitored very closely).

_____ The perpetrator is extremely controlling (trying to control what victim does, who victim has contact with, where victim goes, what victim wears, etc..)

_____ The perpetrator is extremely jealous (closely monitors victim’s activities to limit or prevent contact with others, or won’t allow them to be anywhere without them).

_____ The perpetrator perceives the victim as property/owns victim (If I can’t have you no one can).

_____ The perpetrator is extremely dependent on the victim.

_____ The perpetrator is obsessed with guns or other weapons (including fire/arson).

_____ The perpetrator has access to guns or other weapons.

_____ The perpetrator has a history of abusing children.

_____ The perpetrator has injured or killed pets.

_____ The perpetrator has previous suicide attempts or threatens to commit suicide.

_____ The perpetrator doesn’t care what happens to him/her.

_____ The perpetrator uses alcohol or drugs.

_____ The perpetrator has held the victim hostage.

_____ The perpetrator has no fear of police or court involvement (repeated police or court intervention fails to deter abusive actions).

_____ The perpetrator stalks the victim (intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm).

_____ The perpetrator has a history of criminal behavior.

_____ The perpetrator is mentally/emotionally unstable.

_____ The perpetrator is willing to use violence against the victim in public.

_____ The perpetrator has used violence against people other than the victim.

_____ The perpetrator has no desire to stop controlling or violent behavior (does not see their behavior as a problem).

_____ The victim believes the perpetrator might be capable of killing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:47am

Dear Jorene,

It sounds like you are in a terrifying situation. And I agree with the other women on the board, if you feel like you are in danger you probably are. And it is terrifying to try to get out. I too would recommend finding out what your local domestic violence shelter can do for you. I would also see what support friends or family can give to you. I cannot suggest a specfic exit plan but I would urge you to try to find a safe way out.

Men like this do not change no matter what they say or how sorry they may claim to be. If they were sorry they would not behave abusively in the first place. It is about control not love for them and as painful as this may be to realize it is also a realization that may help you to gather yourself together to do something painful and scary - to leave.

My abusive ex did not hit me but he threatened and bullied and broke things, etc. I was terrified of leaving. I also blamed myself. And there was a part of me that wanted to stay - to see him change and love me to prove to myself that I was loveable.

What I had to learn (and it took me 6 1/2 years) was that none of it was my fault. That he did not love me. But that I was and am loveable and deserved better than the frigtening half-life I had with him.

You are worth more than this. You deserve better than this. And as scary as it may be, the best thing you can do is get away from this man who hurts you so badly. There are people out there who will help you. Please keep posting and be safe. No one deserves to be treated this way. The women on this board are very helpful. But please get help from domestic violence, your family and friends and even the police if it is necesary.

I will be thinking of you.

Kristina