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| Mon, 01-03-2005 - 5:46pm |
I've been in and out of a relationship for about two years. Here's the briefing on those two years.
1. He's a drug addict--drug of choice is heroin, but this past year it's been crack--and an alcoholic. He basically gets clean for a month or two and then relapses. Over and over and over again. In between relapses he promises the world. I used to believe that he really wanted to get and stay clean, but I'm not buying it so much anymore. It's confusing. He's manipulative.
2. He has had and lost four jobs this past year, working probably a total of three months out of the whole year. His mother feeds him with money. Classic enabler. He's made her scared that he will take his own life. You see, he acts erratically quite often--disappearing for hours at a time (generally using), and from what I can tell much of that time is also spent obsessing about me and feeling hopeless. He's done nothing good with his life, you see, and has nothing to be proud of.
3. He's been diagnosed bipolar and as a child he was diagnosed with ADHD, but I suspect other disorders at play here. Obsessive-compulsive, borderline, ??? I'm not a clinician. Sometimes, however, I think it's perhaps just good ol'fashioned drug addiction. As you can tell, I've spent WAY too much time trying to figure him out. HIs father was a drug addict, alcoholic, physical and emotional abuser of his mother, too. Shotgun pointed at the whole family type thing. Dragging his mother out of the house, telling the boys to say goodbye another time. Throwing eggs at his mother while she cooked dinner. And on and on. It took her 12 years to leave, and even then she feared for her life. As chance would have it, though, his dad ended up leaving his mother and XBF felt abandoned, I'm told.
4. He has cut his wrists a couple of times in front of me, and while he's never physically hurt me, it was all an act designed to scare me into tolerating his behavior and staying with him. He's since changed tactics, realizing that this freaked me out SO much. (He still threatens to kill himself, though. He just doesn't pull out knives anymore.)
5. He's learned that persistence pays off. He'll call me 50 times in a row. Literally. He's so manipulative and has strings attached all over the place. Well, not really. He really doesn't have anyone left except his mother, father and me. I'm not so sure me anymore. He also gets very paranoid, thinking I'm going to cheat on him or have. I think he really think this. My gut doesn't tell me that he's cheated on me. Not sure if it stems from his father cheating on his mother all of the time or what. But something's unnerving about the accusations and paranoia.
6. Basically, he's lazy, too.
7. And yet so charming. so, so, so charming. I mean, this guy is so funny and so creative. And strangely, in between relapses I step into controlling mode. I'm mean to him, cut him down, tell him what to do and how to do it. I try to order our chaotic life. I try to punish him for hurting me again. I'm on edge around him constantly. Part of me feels like I drive him to it, but I'm not sure if that's because that's been his implication or if I just feel so badly for my behavior. Then I think that I wasn't always like this with him and he still relapsed. So...
8. He talks the talk but then dosn't walk the walk. He's very smart. He knows just what to do and say--just the right amount of effort that must be displayed--to reel us back in. And then, what do you know, he loses it. He disappears, scaring everyone so much that THIS TIME he might be dead that when he shows up, everyone's so thankful that he's not dead that we end up coming to his emotional rescue. We go into recovery mode. "Okay. So he used again. He's beat down. It's okay. No one give him any money. Take his car keys." We talk and plan and plot to get him clean. Oh, we're raging mad, too, but we're also in recovery mode.
9. I now believe that if he wanted to be sober, he would be sober. Plenty of people do it. I also believe that with him there will never be the security I crave, even if he does manage to get and stay sober for an extended period of time.
10. So much of me is happier when I'm not around him. Then it's like enough time will pass and he'll still be calling and I'll give in and see him. Luckily for me, the amount of time I spend with him before shutting him out again is becoming shorter and shorter, but the mere fact that it's even happening makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Why in god's name would I keep going back to this total loser???? I mean, yes, he's such a genial, wonderful, funny, loving guy when not using, but as time passes I see him more and more as just one great big manipulator. I'm really not sure if the great guy is an act or not. Of course he claims it's the "real him" but is it???
What's wrong with me? Was the loneliness I felt before meeting him so much worse than his hell? Am I just incredibly forgiving? Naive? I mean, the guy has stolen and pawned or traded just about everything of mine that he could get money for. Of course, his mother always came to the rescue and replaced everything, but he then stole from MY mother. Can you even believe that? (Oh, I've also become really, really close to his mother, and though I dont' think she purposefully pulls me back in, she does all the same.)
I guess I'm posting not so much to hear--get the heck outta there. I already know that's what I SHOULD do. And do do every once in a while. I don't really know why I'm posting. I've posted on the Alcohol Problems board quite a bit, and it helps, but I really think there's something inside of myself that maybe others in abusive relationships can help me with.?? I love a liar, a thief. How could I love a liar and a thief, an abuser? I've got everything going for me. Everything. Yet something is seriously wrong with me, and I can't afford therapy. And I really don't want to do Al-Anon or it's narcotic cousin. I don't want to learn to deal with an addict, but perhaps I'm missing the point. I've only gone to one meeting, and I cried like a freakoid--uncontrollably--the whole time. Everyone was very loving afterward, but I don't know. I just never went back.
I also have anger issues. A short fuse. I try to control it, but he totally brings it out in me. I feel overstressed and under rested. I don't feel joy inside like some people do. I really never have. I feel tired most of the time. Emotionally I'm a disaster. Oh, and by the way, this loser is the first man I've ever been able to commit to. I've never been a cheater. I just didn't get involved with anyone.
Sorry this is so long.
A

Oh, boy, honey, welcome -
You have a lot of issues on your plate and you do know that there is something seriously wrong with the situation.
CL-Blueliner4
Whewee, fuddled, I don't blame ya for picking that nic.
Mama Harmony