Telling dd (5 yrs- bday is TOMORROW)!
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| Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:44pm |
was HORRIBLE! OMG you guys, it was completely heartwrenching.
1st off, it started b/c she had me put a funny screen saver up & she said "Wait till Daddy sees it ... WHENEVER he gets home ... from WHEREVER he is ... is this the secret you have been keeping from me?" Yes! this is how she brought it up.
I sat her down & said that i didnt mean to keep any secrets from her, but yes, i did have to talk to her about something important, & i was trying to find the right way & the right time to tell her. I explained that "you know how you talk about how Mommy & Daddy fight & it makes your belly hurt? Well it makes Mommy sad & nervous too. Mommy went to someone called a judge, for some help. A judge is someone who's job it is to decide what is best & safest for families & kids who are having a hard time. The judge agreed with Mommy that b/c of Daddys behavior, Daddy needed to go somewhere to be away from us, until he can start to act nicer to Mommy." I immedielty explained, as huge silent tears began to pour from her (& me), that if Daddy "did what he had to, we needed to be patient, but soon she would be able to see him again, when we see the judge again". She asked if she coudl go to the judge with us, & if Daddy went with me when i went. She asked, "Is this what breaking up is?" I told her "yes". She asked right away if she could call him, i told her he also cant talk to us on the phone. She said "Can you help me write him a letter?" She started by having me write "Dear Daddy, Im sorry & Im really dissapointed you had to break up. Dad, i really miss you, when will you come home?". This is where i stopped & said "Sweetie, Daddy cant ever come back home to LIVE, just to visit" ... & it was like right then, it hit her - so hard.
She started literally wailing, sobbing, gasping for air .... screaming "Daddy!!! I want my Daddy! Please please get me my Dadda!" Then, to rip my heart out even more, she cried for my Mom .... "I want my Gramma Lisa, i wish my Gramma Lisa was here" (she always went to my Mom when she got hurt, wanted no one else) .... I just cried with her telling her its ok to be sad, its ok to cry, Mommy is sad too, but i know it needs to be like this & we would be alright & Daddy would too. She started saying thinsg like "Why did you have to go to that judge? Go back, tell him you were wrong, that we are ok & to let Daddy come back". I tried to explain to her that it was my decision too, that i didnt feel safe sometimes with Daddy here, & that when he was very angry, it was very unhappy here & its mommys job to be sure we are ok right now & this is what we have to do. She was almost vomiting, gagging she was crying so hard. :( She kept wailing "I wont have a Daddy anymore. What will i do!?! I want my Daddy. Who will take care of me when you go to work?" Then, more pathetic, "Is this in real life Mommy? Its a dream right? Its not real, right? Please tell me its a dream. I didnt think this would ever happen to me Mommy". OMG, i swear, i didnt know what to do or say at that point. *I* want this to all be a nitemare as well. "Im going to be so lonely & so scared Mommy. This is so scary. Im scared, will i be ok?" I kept trying to tell her that we WOULD be ok, that we woudl be sad & confused at 1st, but that so SO many kids go thru this & they are ok. They still see their parents, its not the kids fault AT ALL, its just that we grown-ups cant be good parents together, so we canlive apart, & then things will be better, no more fighting or belly aches. She then started asking "But where will he live? He wont have a home. Is he ok?". I told her he was staying w/ freinds now & was safe & loved her so much. She asked "Does he miss us?" I told her when he got a home she would be able to visit & do all the fun thinsg they do together. & she asked "You mean he can still act silly with me, & watch movies w/ me & watch Sponge Bob with me? Just at his own house?" She started then wailing again saying "Without your husband you will be so lonely. It will only be 2 people living in this house now, what will we do? You shouldnt have gone to that stupid judge! You made Daddy leave. Why does he have to be so mean to you? Why did he have to call you bad names all the time? If he wasnt mean, you wouldnt have made him leave & we could have been a family. I didnt think this was a REAL secret, not a bad one like this". I kept telling her that it has to be this way b/c especially i needed her to learn that it is NOT ok to be yelled at & called names. No one deserves to live with that & since Daddy coldnt stop, he had to leave. I tried explaining that even I had parents who didnt live together but i still got to see my Dad a lot & she said "But youre a grown-up, I'm just a little kid. I want this to be just a dream! Now you will never be able to have a baby brother or sister for me b/c you broke up. & if you have to get another husband, i will hate him". I treid to tell her that no one knows what will happen a long time from now, but right now only Mommy & Averey will be living here & there will be no husbands or anyone else ... its my job & Daddys, to just take care of Averey & thats all we care about. & that Mommy needs to be sure the house we live in is safe & not making us nervous, & that this will get easier. She just kept begging to call him, & crying his name, & then saying "If he wasnt so mean to you, this couldnt have happened to us!" I also told her that i knew a lady (the counselor) who's job it was to help kids who had ot go thru this, & that she has lots of toys & lots of times kids felt better after talking with her, & would she like to go talk about it with her sometime? ... & she said, at 10pm !, "Yes, can we go now?", in sobs. She then started asking if he could ever come back home ... & i said "Averey, Daddy cannot come back here to live with us. He will live somewhere else & you will visit with him. & once he is ok, then sometiems he can visit you here at this house". She said "But cant he ever have a sleepover here or something? Just once?" I told her that maybe sometime, but not for a long long time, & if he did, he couldnt stay, it would just be a visit. That she could have LOTS of sleepovers with him at his house. She kept then saying how she wouldnt have a Daddy anymore ... & i kept trying to get her to understand that just b/c he doesnt live here, doesnt mean he isnt her Daddy anymore. She also asked "Can i go live with him when i am a grown-up?" Poor baby. :( Then she stated saying " I will be so sad, 4-ever & ever". & "Why didnt you TELL me this was happening?" I told her it jsut was decided & i was trying to find a way to tell her, to get brave to tell her, b/c i knew she would be upset & i was scared to make her upset. She asked to call her little freind Spohie, b/w sobs, at the beginning of this ... liek she needed her freind, my poor baby. I told her she could call any adult she wanted to, besides Daddy, so she called Grampa (my Dad). He talked to her for a little while & she calmed down a little. She asked "When you work, can Daddy babysit me? I cant stay all alone. I will be all alone" & i said once this time was over & he could see her, that he didnt HAVE to "babysit", he would take CARE of her, just like always - & that she would never EVER be alone b/c there are SO many people who love her, she will always be taken care of, especially by mommy & daddy who BOTH love her SO much. She then asked for the dogs, i brought them in & she said "Guess what boys? Mommy & Daddy broke up & Daddy cant live with us anymore, You'll be ok though" - & she hugged them & cried. & she just kept saying "I didnt know this would happen to me" ... Then she sort of perked up after a LONG cry & said "Good thing you didnt break up before you got married & had me" & i told her that as sad as this was, the reason Daddy & Mommy even were together was so God could give us you.
& she cried herself to sleep lying on me.
I coudl freaking KILL HIM for putting her through all this.
R~


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My heart is breaking for you & your daughter.
She will accept the situation in time & faster than what you think given her reaction. As long as children have routine, feel safe & loved they adapt. What you have to watch for is the X manipulating her when he finally gets to see her & finding tactics to counteract. That was a huge problem for me & also Jodyannrn. Read her posts & learn. She's been put through hell by the X toying with her eldest girl. So was I. I didn't have a clue how to deal with his badmouthing me & my girls behavior become difficult if not down right alarming at times. All I felt I could do was keep my mouth shut & deal with their destructive antics on a day to day basis. Hopefully you won't go through any of that. You have to realize to that she has picked up you X's drama queen ways. I found my eldest daughter aped her Dad's ability to over react to everything. That's not to say I would dismiss her feelings about any given situation but I had to put her reaction into perspective. She was so used to her father acting as if the world was coming to an end anytime there is a problem or change of situation he had no control of. Also, no matter how badly their father behaves girls will always be Daddies girl. We do all the hard work & they put their father on a pedestal. It's one thing I find very hard not to be resentful about.
Let her see as much of her Nana as possible, they have a special role in a child's life in times of crisis. Don't beat yourself up, you did what you had to do to keep her safe in the short & long term. You had to make the hard decisions & it was very brave of you. I congratulate you for being so strong, it's not easy. You will feel depressed for a while but I'm letting you know now you have done the right thing. It's unfortunate you had to do it around Avery's birthday but there never seems to be a right time. Never ever feel guilty. It's your job to keep her physically & spiritually safe & you are doing that to the best of your ability.
Remember to look after yourself too. You are vulnerable to illness & severe depression. You won't be able to take care of your daughter if you don't take care of yourself. Look to the future with a happy heart, make a list of all the things you hated about your previous life with him & another list of what you have to look forward to. Turn to all the women here for love & support, that's what we are here for.
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Katie, what a lovely post! Thank you! Yes, one of the things i am afriad of is his manipulating her to get to me ... that he could say the horrible things about me, to her, IN FRONT OF ME, i cannot imagine what he will say alone with her - & ANGRY as heck. That is why we will be asking for only supervised visits after the RO hearing on Feb 24th. If he doesnt break the order b4 then, (& i thoguht he would tonite, apparently he was told by his Dad that i was filing for divorce, & his brother called me telling me he was freaking out .... that was 4 hours ago & he hasnt showed up, so i think i am safe ... unless of course he is out getting drunk ... uggh - & the locks dont get changed till the AM ... its gonna be a long nite!) then i will allow him to see her, but ONLY supervised. I am keeping the RO on me. Mostly b/c i cant look at him or talk to him at all, or i may cave. Not that i will, but i know he will beg & plead & i will start to feel sorry for him .... i just think NO contact is best for me & i will keep it that way as long as i need it to be that way - for my sake.
I *WISH* more than anything, Ave could be w/ her Nana. She was talking about my Mom who passed away just over a year ago. She misses her so much & we talk about her all the time. Averey always wanted my Mom when she got hurt ... no one else would do ... & now she was hurt & wanted her Gramma. Broke my heart into peices when she cried for my Mom at that point. But she is very close to my Dad & she did call her Grampa. & she knows Gramma is in our hearts all the time, & ALWAYS with us ... she reminds ME of that often as well.
& as for the histrionics, although i think HERS were valid & true, i had to laugh b/c of how you described your X. Really, mine would FREAK OUT about the stupidist or little-est things. He would always say how "a black cloud always followed him" or "Everyone & everything is against me" .... a flat tire could throw him into a rage that was terrifying. I rememver once he couldnt get the car into the car wash the right way (you know, those runners you have to drive into so the car wash brings you thru), OMG! He was a LUNATIC. I swear, i saw him CRAZED over the stupidest things. So yes, maybe she has picked up some of that from him. Its so weird b/c *I* am the person who lets most things roll off her back, & i belive EVERYTHING happens for a reason ... i cna pretty much find the good, or at least the acceptable, in ANYthing - & boy, he was SO completely oppossite. He couldnt find the good in ANYthing, excpet our dd.
& i am trying to take care of & focus a bit on myself. What i REALLY want to start to do is lose the 60# i gained since i met him! That will teach HIM to tell me i was a "Fat C***". Errrrrr!!!!!!!! (& btw, HE is 70# overweight! Some nerve! lol)
Thanks!~ R~
First things first. Put your pride in your pocket & find somewhere to stay for the night. I have a bad vibe, I could be being a drama queen but humour me. I have the feeling he's working himself into a real rage. Take your toothbrush & go. I'll e-mail you my phone number & if you can afford a quick call let me know you are safe. I'm not into New Age bull but I do trust my sixth sense & I have a feeling you should get out of the house. I don't think I will sleep until we hear from you again. I wish I was there to take you away. Remember he has a very strong sense of entitlement & you have violated it by making him leave & taking the necessary steps to keep him in his place, which is as far away as possible.
Avery will adapt to the situation & faster than what you think. It is hard for her to come to terms with at the moment but she will in time. By doing this you have given her the opportunity to grow into a strong, happy & above all sane woman. There is no greater gift a mother can give her daughter. Think of that as her biggest 5th birthday present from you.
Please let us know you are safe.
All my love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS. I'm so very sorry. You did say in one of your posts you Mother had died a year ago. I'm sure she is an angel & cheering you on right now.
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm sorry! We are fine! dd fell asleep at SIX pm! So i took advantage of that & got the spare bed room cleaned for my uncel & aunt who are coming this w/end to babysit Ave when i go back to work. & i got into bed at 9:30, finished watching a WONDERFUL movie - Somewhere in Africa (i adored it ... i spent a lot of time in Kenya & Tanzania & this is where it was filmed) & then i read myself to sleep about 11:30pm. Ave crawled into bed w/ me at 1am & we slept till this AM! All was & is, well.
Sorry to have worried you! The lock guys gets here at 11am today.
R~
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