Thank you all, the only thing ...
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| Fri, 01-21-2005 - 12:43pm |
different than what i wrote about doing this below, is that i guess i shouldnt have supervised visits set up at all at the beginning. My good freind is a SW & she yelled at me last nite, lol. She reminded me kids are adapatbale, & that Averey will be fine for 3 weeks w/o him & that i just have to be honest & tell her he is not well, & he needs time to get himself well before he can see her b/c right now he is very angry & that wont be good for her to be around. & to keep reinforcing of course, that she is VERY loved by us both, & its an illness & hopefully Daddy can get better - but in the meantime Mommy & Daddy cant be married anymore, but she will still see us both all the time & will live in her house, & Daddys sometimes too.
But she was most concerened that i am STILL trying to take care of HIM. I was looking at it more from the prespective of what Averey needs, & what would make it easier & less traumatic on ALL of us, but she said if HE wants to see her, let HIM for once, be the adult, act appropriatly AND take the steps to figure out how to see her - thru an attorney. & who knows, maybe THIS will be his rock bottom. I hope so, mostly for Avereys sake so she has a Dad. As they say on the Alcoholic board, "What's good for you is good for the alcoholic". So maybe this is doing him a favor in the end. Either way, its doing me ONE! lol & Lord knows i NEED IT. Its so weird, on one hand i am terrified of what lies ahead (the unknown), but on the other hand, it is exciting to know that i have peace & happiness in front of me as well.
Once we hit the 21 day mark where the emergency restraining order ends, we have to go to court & each present our side. At that point, i suppose, depending on what happens in teh meantime, i will ask that he be allowed to see her, but only supervised - & that will also depend if i continue the RO for me. If so, he will have to see her elsewhere, w/ someone else always present ... for the fear of abduction (which i highly doubt, btu he did threaten it once in the past & i cannot take that chance ... my moms best freind lost all FOUR of her kids, ages 2-8 about 12 years ago, & has never seen them again - so it does happen). & if we drop the RO all together, i still wont ever be with him alone at this point - if he has visits w/ Ave, they would be supervised by me & a neutral party.
but, i will have to cross all those bridges as i come to them. & i am ready to do this, step by step, as i need to.
I feel somewhat more at peace about the decision. I have most CERTAINLY looked at every angle possible (& forced all of YOU to, as well, lol) & i have to do whats right for me & for Averey, period. He is an adult & he is making the threats & the choices that are forcing me to do this. Its so weird, its like i realized yesterday how crazy it really has been, it was like i became immune to it all or something. When i was telling the D.V. counsleor at the Womens Resource Center about the threat to "burn the house down w/ me it it if i ever made him leave", (along w/ others as lovely) she was appalled that i still, after that threat, considered NOT doing a restraining order. She said "That is a very VERY serious threat. & you are MOST at risk when you leave him". I sort of finally realized that b/c he has been so angry & crazy, i have felt its "only" all verbal threats. That he REALLY wouldnt carry them out. But then i realized, just the fact that he can even THINK that, AND then verbalize it OUT LOUD ... that is very scary.
So, i will let you all know when & if i need some reminders that this is the right thing ... But i cant see my backtracking on this again. Its my RESPONSIBILITY as a parent at this point ... & to myself.
Thanks!
R~

You sound just like me. I keep thinking to myself 'was he really that bad?'. While in the middle of it, I remember having such fears cross my mind as 'he could kill me if he was angry enough' or 'he would be capable of hurting my son'. But I guess I always think, 'what a terrible thing to say about someone, that they are capable of such things, and to take out a restraining order'. Why? I suppose because we are usually in the role of trying to patch things, not destroy them. What keeps me moving forward is the look of astonishment and horror on people's faces when I describe the things he did and said. I guess they wouldn't look that way if it was a normal thing in a relationship.
I am beginning to think my spouse is a bit out of the ordinary even compared to other abusive men. While I have been hearing about how most abusive men deny what they have done and play the pathetic victim in front of the courts, mine is continuing the show in front of the judge himself.
He made a big issue about my keeping my son from him and cried to the judge that he wanted to see him now, just to let him know his papa is still alive. He would not arrange for supervised visitation at a social center himself and left it to me. Then he refused the initial meeting with the psych. which was requested from both of us (I attended by the way). And sadly he postponed visitation for 2.5 weeks later telling the courts he was too busy to visit at this time. What I know is that he was out site seeing with his mother as she is not from around here.
What's more crazy is that he asked for a 'witness' that was a previous colleague of his. This person has never been to our house, I have never been to his, we have never been out together with him before, and basically don't really know him and he doesn't really know us (just my spouse).
And this crazy spouse of mine even went so far as to yell at me in front of the judge. But here is one I doubt anyone has heard before. I canceled the cell phone account because it was in my name and he had already ran up a 400 dollar bill the previous month. Since I knew he had the phone with him, I did so to make sure I could afford the bills. Well, the company didn't cancel it soon enough. He used it for two weeks after and ran up about 600 dollars worth, which I also had to pay. But I know that is typical for nasty people who don't consider the money they cost you is also coming from their child's care. What was shocking is that he sued me for it. Yes, he is suing me for turning off the phone. He demands I start it up again and continue paying the bill. I said no figuring the law suit is cheaper than his bills. So now I must pay the lawyer to fight that one too.
Oh wow, I am ranting again. But I guess it is like therapy. Anyway, I have learned from all of this that it is wasted good intentions to care about these guys' well being. They certainly have none for us.