There are just some days....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
There are just some days....
5
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:12am
where I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I get myself into such a deep funk about all this. There are some days where I'm filled with such self doubt about all this. I find myself wondering IF people change at all---and my conclusions are that people DONT really change, not just abusers, just people in general. They may change certain bad behaviors (drugs, alcohol, weight) but they don't change their personality. At least I haven't seen it.

My h continues his apologies, ad nauseaum. I keep telling him to stop, which he usually does at that moment. He went to see a psychiatrist yesterday...which is a BIG thing for him to *even* consider. He said the psych. would like to meet with me seperately...NOT for marital counseling, but to give my perspective/side of it. I haven't decided if that is a good thing or not.

Its so hard not to believe that there is some sincerity when he speaks to me---he keeps telling me how sorry he is for making me suffer the way he has, and he can understand why I am doing this---because of the pain he feels, if I was inflicted this on him continually for years, he could not handle it. He keeps telling me that he knows that he will pay dearly for his mistreatment of me and he'll always have regrets for his treatment of me. He says I never deserved the poor treatment. He is not asking me to me to stop the proceedings anymore...he keeps just asking for my forgiveness. He is sitting down and discussing how we can work this out without having the lawyers fight it out---he is willing to leave, once he finds out how much we will have to pay for child support and maintenance. He found a program through a counseling center that helps children through the process of divorce---kind of like a family therapy--to help the kids understand and adjust to the process. He keeps hugging the kids and telling them how sorry he is for being the way he's been. He is convinced that God will somehow punish him for his behavior and lack of respect for his vows. He keeps saying that "lets try to keep our cool, and work on something so the kids do not have to suffer anymore pain". He keeps telling me how beautiful I am, inside and outside.

I told him last night, that he destroyed everything that was beautiful about me---that I am no longer the same person. I used to be someone who was so full of hope--about everything--I used to be called such an idealist, a romantic. Now, that's just gone. I'm just sad, bitter, jaded...and I no longer hope or believe that people change. He hung his head and cried and just said "Oh my God, I'm sorry. Please, don't do that to yourself...don't lose hope. You are one of the best people I know. I'm so sorry for doing this to you".

This is just messing me up. I know many other posters have been through this too...where the pleas and begging are just a stage. I keep reading Bancroft's book and know this is a stage. Its not that I'm going to stop proceedings, because I know in my heart, there has been too much damage. I know that I could never look at him and fully trust him ever again. I know that eventually he would return to the way he was....or at least that fear would prevent me from continual individual growth. Yet there are so many unknowns about the future and how this will work---financially, with the kids. I have a job interview on Monday...and I keep thinking I need to bolster my reserves to interview, this job pays well and I really need a well paying job.

I just feel like my entire spirit has been crushed. That I have changed---internally. People who have been through divorce keep telling me this is a stage--and that once I am out, eventually I find myself again and that I'll be happy again. But right now, I keep thinking "not me....that will not be me". But I keep plugging forward. But man am I dragging these days.

Of course, I'm pms'ing really, really bad, which always brings me down in the dumps but add this to it.....lol.

This does get better, right?

dharma (who's scrambling around for some comfort food and chocolate)

ps....you know how there is a post "Signs to tell if he's changing"....is there a timeframe for that? Like to me, if someone is going to change--it can only be measured by the extent how one has led the REST of his life. But we cannot stay and see if they change because chances are they will do so for a short period. And if one is apart, how can anyone say that this is just a facade until the person returns? I believe that the core personality of a person DOES NOT change...what you see is what you get. Does this make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:44am

Hey Dhar -


If he's going to change, he needs to stop whining long enough to take stock of WHY you're divorcing him - not what you've told him, he needs to THINK about what went on and evaluate.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:11pm
Huge hugs to you Dharma. Stand strong hon. You have been through this before right? He said he would change years ago....and he did for a little while but then he changed back to his "true" self and has gotten even worse to you over the years. I feel that this is something that we all go through...the doubting of ourselves and wondering if we shouldnt just give them another chance.

My therapist keeps asking me this question. Suppose that he did change and all of a sudden miraculously he was Mr Wonderful? Do you think you would suddenly love him and have feelings for him? My answer is always no. That he has killed all the love that I had for him. Which reading back in my diaries and remembering how much I cared for him which was a heck of alot. How did I get to this point in my life? From my husbands neglect and control over me...from him ignoring me for years and years and from him completely disregarding any of my feelings about virtually anything but most especially children.

You know Dharma I have to say that I truly admire you and look up to you for how you have dealt with everything. How you stand up to him and dont back down. You are such an inspiration to me and I hope that I stand as firmly and tell my husband what is in my heart, when the time comes for me to file for divorce, as you have with your husband.

Huge hugs to you lady and if you feel the need to talk email me. Also if you would like to IM at all I could give you my IM info if you would like.

Take care of yourself.

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:06am
Hey, Dharma . . . here's a Hershey bar for ya: Now have a piece for me! ;o)

And yes, this does get better with time, I promise. Now that I'm completely free of my XH, the divorce decree is signed, and I have *everything* I need out of his house (including my dog), it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel so free. I feel like I can breathe again. I honestly expected to get all teary-eyed when the decree came back, but I did not. I got all the crying out when he came to sign the final paperwork to finalize the divorce. So, by the time I got the decree on Tuesday, I was just relieved. My first coherent thought was, "I have to send this to my mortgage company so they have proof that my name is changing!" LOL!

You will feel better about this. You made your decision to file for *very* good reasons, and that is *not* a decision you made lightly. You know that what you're doing is the right thing for you *and* for your girls. Don't worry about his BS . . . he'll eventually get past the "Boo-Hoo, I'm Sorry" phase. I know mine did. He's just feeling sorry for *himself* right now, not sorry for what he did to you. It's like a little kid who gets caught filching cookies out of the cookie jar . . . he's not sorry for stealing the cookie, he's only sorry that he got caught. Does that make any sense at all?

Don't worry. It will get better. Just stay strong and post whenever you need to!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:35am
Dharma, since you've already made your decision, you are just putting yourself through unessecary anguish by listening to this from him. There are many reasons why we all push the 'no contact' thing and this is one of them. Hearing this from him will not change your decision but he will never believe that. He'll keep telling you what ever pops into his head that he thinks you want to hear. You've told him you don't want him in your life anymore and if he really cared about *you* and not himself, he'd leave you alone like you want.

No contact is one of the most important ways we vicitms/survivors can take back the control over our souls and start to love and care for ourselves first.

Speaking from experience, nothing changes, nothing gets fixed and no good comes from contact with these guys, (especially during PMS) It just leads to more pain. Why go there?

Keep looking up^, Susan.

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:19pm
Yes, I, generally, believe this too. People don't change -- not intrinsicly anyway. Adjustments sure, but the core being of beliefs, attitudes and dispositions are permanent and mostly irreversable. Thus, the reason the majority of abusers never change. As everyone keeps trying to reinforce, eliminating the contact would go a long way towards your healing. That being said, I remember this horrible darkness you face every day. And, I also remember thinking that it would never change, that I was irreversably damaged and that I would never truly "find" myself again. I can't say that I've "arrived", but honey, about the one year mark (for most; different for everyone), we finally have a few days where the thoughts are not completely pevading our mind and our being. About a year and a half out, about 50% of the time life seems pretty okay without the DV having a major downward impact on your life and then gradually more and more days are good ones versus bad ones. It is a long and painful process that I'm not sure ever "ends" per se. I also posted many, many times asking when it would "end", when would I smile again, when would I actually wake up and not feel this naseating pain and uncertainty every single day. Well, I'm "out" now since July 2002. In a lot of ways, I am still healing. I am not interested in another relationship...in the least. I have HUGE trust issues and intimacy issues, but ...guess what?? I don't feel miserable every day. I truly feel like I have reclaimed my life. I have a beautiful home for my daughters and I. We live modestly, but comfortably. I am back to work and progressing along. Life is full and extremely busy, but no one is putting their hands on me, or threatening to make me homeless or hurting me in front of my children or making my home a battlefield. I have peace in my life. I may not be wealthy, but I have peace. I may not have a "love-interest" but my life is full of love. I am not the most successful person on Earth, but I am dam proud of myself and my accomplishments...you just need to keep on keeping on sweetie. Please have *hope* that the sun WILL shine upon YOU again. Read Buff's poem (in his post dated today)...it might be just what you need to know you ARE making forward progress, step by step, one day at a time...A better future IS waiting...just for you...~~gentle hugs dear