is there hope for us?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
is there hope for us?
3
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:51am
I've spoken to my mother about this and another person who just got out of an abusive relationship, but I want some uninvolved people to give me an outside perspective. Please help. Sorry for the exceptionally long post.

I met my husband three years ago in the workplace. Everything was great when we started dating...he would send me flowers for no reason, take me out to dinner and dancing, listen to what I had to say and be my partner on all things. I told him that I wanted a partner in life, someone with whom I could share things and adventures. He wanted the same things. We had a few huge fights (verbal only), but I figured that was normal. No one's happy all the time...in the middle of one of our fights, he proposed. I accepted. We didn't tell anyone for a year, because at that point we'd only been seeing each other for a few months. Then, he proposed again on our engagement anniversary...this time with a ring and all.

When I started planning the wedding, that's when he started telling me that I never involved him in decision making and he felt like I didn't give his ideas equal weight to mine. But, I did make a point of asking him what he thought or wanted! He would always say in response, "Whatever you want." Then if I made the wrong choice, he'd complain about it later. So, every suggestion he deigned (sp?) to give me, I had to remember and include to the letter or risk his sulking or arguing.

Over the next few months of planning right up until a week or two before the wedding, he started getting really argumentative. We'd fight (verbally & physically) and he'd threaten to leave, packing his things. I'd refuse to let him leave the room and would usually end up collapsing in sobs. I thought all of this was just nerves leading up to the wedding. There was a lot of stress with money and I had some drama of my own with evil bridesmaids that added to things. I had some doubts that we were right for each other, but I kept thinking about how everything could be so great when he was happy. I'd try like hell to make him happy, and usually end up screwing it up somehow.

We moved all the way across the country a few months after our wedding because I got a great job offer that tripled my salary. I told him to take some time and find a job that he wants. Since we have some extra money, he doesn't need to find a job just to work. It took him nine months to find a temp job that he barely tolerated. During those nine months, he got depressed. I felt that it was my fault for telling him that he didn't need to get a job right away, for moving us away from our friends and across the country, and for putting him in the "housewife" position. We had a few terrible fights when we first moved where I felt glad that we didn't have any heavy blunt objects in the house that he could use.

A few months ago, he quit the temp agency and began looking for a job that will make him happy to go to. Also, after our last fight, he promised to work on controlling his emotions, so things have been better in the physical abuse department. Now I've begun noticing that he always corrects me during our conversations. I may make a comment regarding something on TV, the news or whatever, but it's never quite right. I'm either wrong or "silly" for thinking that. Recently, he's started ignoring me or calling me stupid. He doesn't ask about my day when I get home. I always ask him about his day and try to engage him in conversation, but either I get ignored because he's playing a computer game or I get the short answer, "Nothing. I've been here all day, as usual."

On top of all that, he grew up with a mean and uncommunicative family. We now live in the same area as my family, who are loving and friendly. They've accepted him as part of our family with open arms. But, he finds their company irritating and will attend about half of all family events (birthdays, holidays). The ones he does attend, he insists on leaving early. Or he agrees to attend, then changes his mind at the last minute. I usually go on without him. As a matter of fact, that's how I've been living my life recently - doing what I want to do. I always ask him if he'd like to come or if he'd like to go do this or that: take a walk, go to the movies, drive to a new town for fun - but the answer is always no. So, I've started going on my own.

My question to you all is this: is his behavior abusive? Can our relationship be mended? Or shall I seek a divorce? Right now, I pay for everything, so I'd have to kick him out of the apartment. Does that mean alimony if he doesn't have a job?

I'm so confused. I do care for him, but I think my fear of him has pushed my love for him aside a bit.

Please help!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 2:39pm

If it wasn't for the amount of time, I'd ask if you were married to my XH.


Hi Kaihea, and welcome.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 3:23pm
Wow.

Your response brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing and responding! It's so hard to make the choice to leave (or kick him out) because I feel like half the time he's so great and we get along so well. But, on the other hand, is half the time enough?

And I feel so guilty thinking about leaving him when I feel like I was the one who created this situation - brought him here away from his friends and isolated him. Then again, I was in the same boat, and I made an effort to make new friends...arg.

Such a complicated thing.

The more I read on this board - the more I'm inclined to think that he is an abuser and this relationship is in trouble. My mom tells me that it'll only get worse. Is that true? I'm very stubborn and I don't like to give up easily. Yet, I don't want to waste years trying to make something work that isn't working or will never work.

Sigh. Thanks again for any and all advice!

-Kaihea

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 5:09pm

That was one of my XH's favorite things to say at the end, "We're both just too stubborn and bullheaded to be together.

CL-Blueliner4