There really is no help for DV.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2009
There really is no help for DV.....
12
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 1:46pm

I am beginning to think there is really nobody out there who cares about helping DV victims.

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Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 2:44pm

I am really sorry to hear this. This is the worst possible nightmare that can happen and continues to happen with the court system. Have you contacted a local DV agency for lawyer referral? I am afraid the only way around this is to get another GREAT lawyer who is conversant on DV cases so that you can turn things around. This is insane, what you are going through. Also visit the divorce and custody (surviving divorce and separation) boards here.

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Surviving-Divorce-Separation/ct-p/iv-rlsmartdivor

I think folks in that board might have some great advise as well. It is very very important to get armed with all the documentation and get the correct lawyer. Hang in there. I have had a friend who turned things around..yes..she spent most of her savings but she turned it around from her EX who was

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 3:09pm
Just because you go to the kids activities does not mean you have to talk to him. Sit as far away from him as you can.

You are living my worst nightmare and I hope you find a way out of it. I agree with winter about contacting your local dv angency to see what help they can give you.

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Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 5:10pm

Just to add to this -

9 years ago..I got an apartment, left with my pets and my then 5 year old dd..called him over phone saying I have left, and got him served. Guess what, he demanded to see my 5 year old..my lawyer said..fine ..you can't keep the kid away unless you want to be accused of keeping the child away. An RO was declined (it is a he said/she said..and he hadn't done anything physical. So I was forced to give up my 5 year old to him every other day. He also went ahead and got a super aggressive lawyer..we had to go for child custody evaluation.and the evaluators did not find anything "drastic" wrong with him..Hear this, he is a well perceived member of the community..and has a well paying job. Court system is used to dealing with drug addicts and violent men. Who is to take away custody from a well to do man who claims to feed his child "home cooked" meals. Well, $$$$ later, I was still stuck with 50/50 custody..yes..in hindsight, I should have taken it. And eventually she may have come with me..or who knows..he would have showered her with gifts and manipualtions..so who knows..

But guess what I am saying is - I was prepared, had an attorney..still nothing went my way. Fortunatley he earns 50% more than me..so he couldn't hit me with any support payments. All I am saying here is - it seems a depressing situation..

Now I thought my DD will buy in with me..but in some sense..she is also taken by him..(except when she goes head to head in arguing with him..)..Anyway..just to say..sorry to hear about you..it made me depressed.

Anyway..if i were your attorney, I would go for a child support modification, if you do not have even 50% custody, DEMAND it asap. Looks like your old lawyer screwed everything up. Whether you can pay or not, talk to 5-6 other lawyers and ask them for consult. Some only charge for services they do. Good luck.

Here is another link http://www.womansdivorce.com/leaving-an-abusive-husband.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 5:33pm

Hi winter, this is exactly why you've been fretting about leaving

sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 5:51pm
How old are your kids? I just wanted to say that I'm a noncustodial parent as well, I know where you're coming from. My 11 year old and 13 year old have lived full time with their father for the last 2 years now. He fought and fought me in court for years.

For many years I was extremely depressed while going through all this. It got to the point where I was so depressed my kids didn't really want to be with me. There were many many days when I really wasn't functional, days where I thought I literally could not pull myself out of bed I was so depressed. I do know that dark place your talking about trying to fight this man. I literally almost committed suicide, emotionally I got to a point where I could not find a way to cope any longer. I know that struggle.

I want you to know it won't always be this way. Things change on their own sometimes, as years go by, things have a way of working themselves out. You seem to be keeping your head above water and coping through all this. Hang in there.
sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2009
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 7:13pm

Thanks for the replies.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 7:38pm

I think you can file

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 8:37pm
Does the community in which you live have a law school? If so, consider contacting them for help. Also, check out womenslaw.org. It's a part of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, and it has state-by-state resources, including attorney referrals. Sometimes, in a city the size of the one you are in, it's preferable to go outside the "local gene pool", so to speak. Please consider womenslaw.org. They might have other resources available.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 8:42pm
Contact your child support enforcement worker and talk to them. They don't want to garnish your wages, suspend your drivers license, put a hold on your passport, or anything else, they just want to get the money, and trust me, if you call and talk to them, they will most likely be willing to work something out with you. I know when I did that for a living, as long as I was getting SOMETHING from the non-custodial parent, I didn't try to rake them over the coals. There are some hard "noses" out there who won't work with you, but most of the people that I worked with were willing to. It's worth giving a shot while you file for that modification, which is going to take anywhere from 6 months to 18 months or so, depending on how backlogged the modification office for your state is. Good luck.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:00pm
The most important thing is to work on that inner strength. You will get through this. You're kids are growing up. In less than 2 years your oldest will be 18. Things will change and improve on their own.

You can probably try to appeal this, but I'm not sure that's feasible. I don't think you could emotionally handle any more long drawn out court battles. I think as far as the cs goes, I'm pretty sure you can do that on your own. I'm pretty sure you can do that at the cs office without a lawyer. Maybe I'm mistaken.

The very most important thing you can do above all is focus on your kids and strengthen that bond. Do fun things. As the non-custodial parent, now you will be the fun parent. Have good days with your kids and cherish every day you have with them.
sweets35

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