Things are ok at this point ...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-11-2005 - 11:09pm |
1st off & most importantly, Averey: She seems ok. She slept well last nite & made some "normal" conversation about M this AM, nothing out of the ordinary. I did ask her this AM "Are you ok? I know last nite was hard Honey, is there anything you want to ask me about it, or do you want to talk about it?" she said "nope". So i dont want to push her. Unfortunately her counselor is away next week! & B4 bed last nite i did tell her that she “did a really good job calling mommy when she needed her.” & that i “know how hard this is & that I am sorry that all happened - that we thought Daddy would be able to have a visit & be ok, but maybe it was too soon for him - & that we will just have to wait a be brave & patient a little bit longer to see if Daddy can feel better about everything & be ok to see her” - & the”most important thing right now for both Daddy & I is that Ave is safe & knows we both love her”. & i promised her she can still call her Daddy anytime she wants. She hasnt asked, & I'm not surprised, she is probably afraid after last nite. I am very worried about what this has done to her emotionally. She waited & waited & prayed at nite about seeing him, & drew him pictures, & we talked all the time about how fun it would be to finally see him after 5 weeks ... & then this happened. She must be so let down, & disappointed.
Anyway - so I am having HUGE issues w/ my atty. I just don’t know how to handle it. 1st off, i really LIKE him. He seems confidante & makes me feel secure. Until NOW! & I have to preface it w/ the fact that i paid a 5K retainer 2 weeks ago & he is $350/hr. His rep is that he is a "shark", the "best divorce atty in RI" & VERY well respected by other attys. I feel SOMEWHAT better that when i was at the Womens Resource Center the other day, the advocates said they were "shocked" that STBX's atty agreed to my having sole custody AND supervised visitation, b/c "he never gives into that". They said that it is very likely M's atty is intimidated by this guys rep so he isn’t fighting as hard as usual.
Here is what has happened this week:
1. Monday -we made some agreements in court Monday (detailed below) but that is also when my atty handed me the paper that said the "no contact" order was dropped. I ? him TWICE & he assured me the "no contact part was dropped, so you cant ONLY converse about visits for your dd, & the RO is still in place." This was the day for "temporary divorce orders", until we are seen again on April 12th.
Within 1 hour out of court, STBX called 3 times harassing me on the phone, w/ threats of "making this really ugly" & begging me for a 2nd chance, & when i told him he was breaking the RO & he said "there IS no RO, i just talked to my atty". I went right to the Womens Resource court advocates with that paper, & they said that this paper meant the "order for protection from abuse" was dropped, voluntarily by me, & that there was NO PROTECTION ORDER on file, at all. I then went to the family court & they confirmed this, after checking my file in the family court office. I said "So, i have NO restraining order or no 'no contact order' right now?" they replied "No, you have no protection at all right now. The orders were dropped by you this morning, thats what this paper says". When i called my atty, i had to speak to the para legal, he was in court. She was pretty snippy, telling me "they are wrong. The orders are being written & will be put in front of the judge after the 5 day period of STBX's atty reviewing them, then the judge will sign them. BUT, right now you ARE protected b/c the motion in in the process of being filed". So, i called back the WR Center & they said they didnt believe that was correct. My attys office DID say they would "call STBX's atty & tell them to tell him he is breaking the RO & to stop harassing you". I did receive confirmation of that fax. Also, STBX refused the visit for Monday eve, the 1st scheduled supervised visit w/ dd - even though it was agreed upon in court that morning. But again ... not SIGNED yet by the judge - a "motion" is not an order until it is signed by the judge (I think I may be an atty MYSELF after this! LoL).
2. Tuesday, the WR Center called me to see if anything was done with the order (they are SO good, incredible on their follow up & help). I said I would wait one more day b/c STBX wasn’t harassing me since his atty was spoken to, but I would call them on Wed to see if the motion for the order was in yet.
3. Wed, i called the family court to ask if the order was in my file yet. No. They reiterated that "you have no protection, whether or not it is agreed upon by the attys that the RO go back in place & a motion is written, until it goes b4 a judge, & is signed, there isn’t a RO". I called para-legal, pretty livid, that AM. She told me that there is a 5 day waiting period anyway, once the motion is handed in … I told HER that the court clerk told ME that if the motion for orders are walked in, they will take care of them right away. (eg: if you go in as I did w/ the 1st RO request, w/ the WR Center advocate, they do it RIGHT THEN & its immediate. So the option IS there). She said, “We can’t WALK them in, we are 45 minutes away. But I will see if I can get them there as soon as possible”. That afternoon I got an email from her that "the orders will be at the court house tomorrow but they still hold them for 5 days for the opposing atty to review, then they will have them signed". Great, so what does that do for me for 5 MORE days!?! Especially given I had to see STBX on the visitation drop off the next day.
4. Thursday I received the Motion for the orders in the mail. They read:
A. The complaint from the Protection from Abuse is hereby discontinued voluntarily on the part of the plaintiff.
B. The defendant is restrained & enjoined from molesting, harassing or otherwise interfering with the Plaintiff.
***Ok, “A” is the no contact order is discontinued so we can communicate about visits only … & “B” is the RO to be continued.
C: The plaintiff is awarded temporary sole custody of the minor child .
D. The parties will participate in counseling for the purpose of addressing issues pertaining to the minor child.
Etc, etc. & then the last one is the continuance for April 12.
So, as of getting this in the mail yesterday, & it ends w/ the space BLANK for the judge to sign, & “entered as an order on … date” – its OBVIOUS it isn’t an order yet … what I suspect happened was they discontinued the other RO in order to agree upon this, but there is a HUGE time lapse b4 this one goes in effect! Should my atty have KNOWN THIS? Absolutely! The only thing I can say is that he did seem confused at 1st, after the original order was filed by the Women’s Resource Center, he didn’t understand that it wasn’t a CRIMINAL RO. That it was just a civil one by the family court judge. THAT was b/c I didn’t have him arrested. Just removed & RO done. My atty wasn’t involved in that, I saw him & retained him after the fact of doing this, so maybe what he is used to, the more common way being done as a criminal RO, maybe its different & the orders don’t get dropped completely when the no contact is dropped? Also, I have friend who pointed out that b/c my atty is in a different county & coming here to do this, plus he is a pretty “high profile” divorce atty, most of his clients do not deal with this, many are much more wealthy than I, that’s for sure! All they worry about is who gets the money & the cars & the homes & the 40l K… he likely doesn’t DO many of these cases. I am not happy at all about all this, but I also was told today by 2 people who know his divorce hearing outcomes well, that he really takes incredible care of his clients in the end results. Of course, that wont be worth it if I am crazy or dead! It is obvious when this big “city” atty walked into out little small town courthouse, that he was very well respected by all involved. So that makes me feel better, but still, this just makes NO SENSE. & then to not get a call back today, after ALL that happened last nite during the visit.
So, after last nite, I emailed this to my atty (Jerry) & para legal & his secretary, who was the only one in today that I know of, from his office, since atty is away & Ginny, para legal, is off Fridays:
“I know Jerry (atty) is away, & Ginny (para legal) is off Fridays, so I will send this to both Christine & Ginny. I would like someone covering for Jerry to please call me in regards to this issue. I can be reached on my cell phone all day Friday, at *********.
I am attaching the documentation of what occurred during this 1st supervised visit tonite. I want ALL future visits cancelled immediately. I will still allow phone contact b/w Averey & her father, but other than that, his behavior is WAY too upsetting & damaging to her.
Also, the issue of whether or not i am covered right now by the RO is still out there. I know i received the MOTION for the orders in the mail today, & Ginny said they were "going down today to the courthouse", but i have no idea when they will be signed & valid. Ginny asked me this week, when i was upset about the RO not being in effect (per the Family court clerk after looking in the file & per the Womens Resource Center after seeing the documentation i got in court), if i "was in fear of him or if he has bothered me since the phone calls on Monday". At the time i said "Its been ok now, but I never know when he is going to get nutz & out of control". & tonite, he did. The Women's Resource Center is telling me w/o that judges actual signature, I have no protection through the order ... & apparently M KNOWS this. Or thinks it is the case anyway. This is why i don’t ever want the RO to lapse again, on paper, or otherwise. While the order was in effect, he did NOTHING to harass me for 5 weeks, but now that this happened this week w/ the order being ? in effect until it’s signed, he did this. I cannot have my 5 year old exposed to this behavior.
Please have someone call me at your earliest convenience if possible, thank you”
&, as I said, I heard NOTHING from them at all today. I had a really busy day & by the time I remembered to call, it was almost 5pm & they were gone, & no on call service. I went to the courthouse again today, no orders in the file at all yet. I said to the court clerk “So, I had to call the police last nite & if they asked me about a RO, in truth, there isn’t one”. He said “That’s correct. If they arrested him for anything, it could NOT be for breaking the RO b/c there ‘technically’ isn’t one in place”. Great.
Now, if these orders aren’t signed YET, but will be say in a few days … then I likely CANT say STBX cant see her for the scheduled visits as they are written out time & date in this motion for orders – based on last nites incident. Am I defying the court order by saying she cant go? I think so. The next scheduled visit is this Monday. Obviously by that time I will have called my attys office, FIRST THING IN THE AM, to see what the H*ll is going on. I am going to insist I speak to another atty who is covering. They MUST have the other partners cover, right????
So, STBX KNOWS there is no RO right now. His atty confirmed it to him …. Even though I insisted last nite there was & then he really freaked out about my calling the police, so he must be not so sure. I WANT him to think there is b/c its less chance he will do anything.
So, what do you suggest I do about this attorney? He isn’t back until March 21st. I will have to rely on his para legal, who he himself told me can pretty much answer anything for me – but as I said, I don’t feel really comfortable w/ he or the assistant. Obviously I need an answer for the visit on Monday that I do not want to let dd go to. For God sakes, I pushed these visits … & he blew it. I cant subject her to it again so soon, or ever, if I can help it. Not until … IF, he gets sane. Also, in this order motion is that we both attend the counseling together on Tues, for the co-parenting issues …. I am not thinking I should be in that close vicinity to him at this point, after Thurs incident. I am HAPPY to go separately - * & yes, I already forwarded last nites incident to that counselor. I dont want to leave him & have to rehash everything he already knows. & as i said, suppossedly in the end result, he would be the best for me.
Ok, I’m tired? Are YOU? Thanks anyone who stayed w/ me thru this. I know some of you have been thru this all & I am hoping someone can shed some light on the situation or give me some suggestions.
Oh, about also the incident last nite & the “supervisor” of the visit. BAD move on my part, choosing Jim. He had his 8 yr old son there & he basically needed to keep him out of the crossfire. I understood that & I am sure that if there was real physical contact threatened, he would have intervened. Neither of us expected what happened to occur, so I think he just didn’t know what to do. Either way, I wont put him in that situation again, & he wouldn’t do it now anyway. The ONLY way to go w/ supervised visits *if* it gets to that point again, will be with trained clinical workers who can handle him.
& as for my baby, she is really doing ok at this point. Although i know how damaging that was for her. She adores him & was dancing aorund the house SO excited she would get to see him that nite ... literally dancing & singing "My daddy! I get to see my DADDY!" She is already in weekly counseling w/ a child therapist at the Womens Resource Center. But i FIGURES! She wont be back until late next week :( I am making it very clear to dd that she can talk to me & its ok, whatever it is she feels. & i am trying to just love her to death, have fun & keep her busy so she keeps her mind off of it. She is spedning the w/end w/ my Dad, who she adores, while i work - & they are going to see some Pooh show on stage. So she's ok.
Thank you all for your words about the visit, I will try to respond individually in the next couple days.
R~

