Think my neighbour is being abused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Think my neighbour is being abused
7
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:26pm

A few months ago, a young couple moved into the apartment next to ours. She's 18, I'm not sure how old he is, probably about 21. They seemed nice enough and we chatted with them a little when they moved in, helped them with a few things like putting together furniture etc. However, from the word go, I felt there was something weird about the guy. He comes across as nice enough, and a very normal, clean-cut kind of guy, he works in real estate sales, dresses nicely in shirt and tie, etc. But when I talked to him, I just felt wary, there was something there, like a weird intensity in his eyes etc. He always sort of laughed really loudly and quickly at something you said which wasn't really funny, but I mostly took that to mean shyness. But I mentioned it to my partner who I live with, and also some other neighbours who we are good friends with, and all of them said they felt exactly the same way, like we all just had an instinctive distrust of him.

Anyway, I began to notice a few things that put flags up in my mind, loud noises coming from next door, often loud stomping like someone was running inside or something, and usually accompanied by screams from the girl. Sometimes the wall between our apartments would shake like something had hit it. I didn't immediately assume that he was hitting her or anything, because I'm sure they sometimes hear similar things from our apartment, except I know it would be because my partner and I are playful with each other and dance around or chase each other. But I always thought that those screams coming from her didn't sound playful at all. Also, I would often hear him talking down to her, calling her names and things, and often when they returned from somewhere in their car I could see them sitting in it and it was obvious that he was yelling at her about something.

The other night, while I was lying in bed, I overheard a conversation that kind of crystallised things in my mind. They are both smokers and often sit on our shared balcony in the evenings, especially when it is hot. I had my windows open, they are pretty well right in front of the balcony so the sound just carries straight in. Anyway, I heard him talking about something to do with a blow to the head, he said "it hit my ear, that's why it hurt" or something like that. I thought that maybe it was something that happened in sport or even a barfight or something, but then it became clear from what he said that it was she who had hit him. He said "you could have ended up hitting my eye, I would have had a black eye." And then he said something that absolutely chilled my blood - "you shouldn't have done it, no matter what. I wasn't hurting you, I was just holding your throat to keep you away from me." He kept going on about what having a black eye would have meant for him at work, and then he said "don't ever f*ing do that again. If you do it again..." and here she said something that I didn't hear, but he said "oh, not just break up with you. I will make your life f*ing hell. If me breaking up with you doesn't do it, I will come back and I will make your life f*ing hell." Not long after this, I heard them having sex very loudly, complete with slapping noises, and immediately afterwards I could hear him yelling at her.

I told my partner about it and he agreed with me, that he had always suspected something like that was going on. I mentioned to him that we probably shouldn't assume that it's just him, because he was talking about her hitting him, but honestly with that hands around the throat thing all I can think is that she was doing it in self defense.

Then, two nights ago I was once again in bed and I heard stomping and running noises, yelling and then finally what sounded to me like heavy blows to flesh. She screamed, there was no mistaking it this time that she was in pain and terrified. Afterwards I heard doors slamming and the sound of her crying loudly.

I don't think there can be any doubt now that he is abusing her. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't just let it happen, but I'm at a loss. I thought about calling the police when I heard her screaming, but I didn't. To be honest, I'm frightened to do so. I know that police often don't have a great deal of power with these things, especially if she doesn't admit to it happening or actually press charges, and he would know that it was us that called. If they came and nothing happened, and he was angry about it, I think I would be scared to leave my apartment if he was around - I really think there's something very wrong with this guy. The whole thing is getting to my nerves - I've had a hard couple of months and currently dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder, and having this around me is not helping my anxiety levels at all. Sometimes I think that I should call the owner of the apartment, who lived there for a little while and I got along well with, and tell her to find a reason to evict them. But I know they would just move somewhere else and it would keep happening to her. I don't want to be involved with this situation but I pretty well already am, and feel like I have to do something to help this poor girl - she's only 18, she plans to marry this guy, and I feel that this could ruin her whole life. One reason this is affecting me so much is that I was in an emotionally, and occasionally physically, abusive relationship when I was just 13. I know exactly the damage that having this happen at a young age can do, and at the same time I feel like I've left that far behind me now and I'm reluctant to have anything to do with this sort of situation again.

Basically, I need some advice on what to do. Is it the sort of thing I should just stay out of, or should I be getting the police involved? Should I call the local domestic violence hotline and seek advice? I'm at a complete loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 8:48am
The next time you hear screams, I think you should call the police.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 10:20am
I guarantee you that she was defending herself when she hit him. Abusers don't believe their victims have the right to defend themselves, they believe their victims are getting what they deserve and should just take it. I would call the police every single time because they will probably have to arrest him if there's any evidence of an assault at all. In my state, they can do that, and if there is more than one offense, the charges become more and more serious each time. So as many offenses as can be racked up for the guy, the better. She might be upset, but in the long run, it is better for her that he be held accountable for his crimes against her. It might be the wake up call she needs. She might not realize that it's a crime (you'd be surprised how many don't). She might be too afraid to call herself. He might have threatened serious injury or death if she tells anyone. Either way, she needs help. You should be able to report these incidences anonymously, especially if you tell them that you're afraid of this guy and don't want him to know who called. To do nothing, is to support HIM and what he's doing. That's the way I see it. I know you care or you wouldn't be here. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:45pm

Call the police. He's beating her, raping her, and emotionally abusing her. CALL THE POLICE.

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:50pm

Most definitely I agree you should call the police. You cannot predict what will happen, but calling the police is the right thing to do. A neighbor called the police when my abuser was yelling and slapping me. She saved my life. She told me she called, because a couple nights ago it was happening to her and she wished someone had called. (I felt bad when she said that because I didn't hear anything) But I was extremely thankful when the police arrived.

On the other hand, a few weeks later new neighbors moved in (i was living in a hotel) and I heard similar things like you descibed. Yelling, thumping against the wall. I put my ear against the wall and heard the arguments. Then one day I heard a slap and a female grunt/scream. I heard swearing. I called 911. I was afraid, like you, that they would know it was me. But I waited inside my room and listened to hear what happened when the police arrived. Actually, I wasn't the only one who called the police. Someone else in the hotel also heard the noise and called.

I was disappointed when the police arrived and I heard the woman deny that anything had happened. I heard the policeman ask if there was any pushing, hitting etc. And she said "no, nothing like that." And the man said "no nothing's going on". And the police left. Maybe no one was arrested that day, but if neighbors keep calling, either the police will get a clue or the woman will finaly see that she doesn't have to cover up, or that what the guy is doing is ILLEGAL.

Call the police. Let them know you want to remain anonymous, but I also think that if it comes down to it... be a witness. I know that in my case when the woman who called the police said she was willing to testify. I felt so relieved. It wasn't just my word against his. My abuser couldn't turn things around, because there was a witness who heard everything. Sure in his mind, he has turned things around and I was slapping him, But in my mind, I found sanity. Praise God, for those neighbors who called the police.

Thanks for listening to me... gee I'm chatty today. LOL.
Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 6:16pm

Totally, totally agree.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 8:31pm
If you don't call the police, she will become another statistic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 8:39am
Thanks for your replies, everyone. It's pretty clear that I can't just let it keep happening, especially when we might be the only ones who know about it (our apartment is the only one connected to theirs, so the neighbours in the other units might not hear anything). So what I will do for now is talk to my stepfather, who used to be a policeman in my city, and find out exactly what the police can/will do in this situation (I am in Australia, BTW, so not sure how different things are here to in the US or other countries). I might also call the local domestic violence hotline and basically just gather a lot of information. But if I do hear outright screaming again, I won't hesitate to call the police and hopefully save the poor girl before he destroys her.