For those with kids...what do you say to them..

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Registered: 06-17-2006
For those with kids...what do you say to them..
9
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 3:47pm

What is best way to tell kids about the way dad behaves is wrong. I try to tell dd but it backfires on me. I think she still tries to get his affection back..and is conflicted. How to tell what he does - yelling and all is wrong. Trying to line up therapist but not sure if I can get her to go..

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Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 10:21pm

You don't have to say anything really.

sweets35
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 12:48am

there is nothing you can say to her to get her to see it. She will not see it till she wants to. I hate that but it is how it works. His abuse is directed all at you right? If so it is easy for her to minumize it since he doesn't do it to her. He is her father and it is probably easier for her to think he is doing nothing wrong. Not many want to think thier fathers are evil. I was lucky in a way that my children saw enough to know what thier father is and I do not have to worry about what to say to them. I hate that it is this way but at the same time I dont have to hear how great he is and figure out how to burst that bubble. Sorry I am not much help.


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Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 12:49am

sweets35, I think you got it 110% correct. Today when I was talking to dd (they had an altercation yesterday), I was telling her his yelling is wrong. It was like she had forgotten everything..she was busy with her current school work and such and did not want to hear anything..it was like why am I bringing it up..The only reason I thought therapy may have helped is she needs to know how to deal with him..but I dont think she is going to go or think it is a waste of time..her schedule is super busy also..Maybe the only way would have been had I left and she followed and over time chosen to see him as less as possible...

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Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 10:20am

I'm not sure of the background here, but given the few posts I can see..........there is nothing you can tell your daughter about her father's behavior.

Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 12:45pm

fissatore, first off all, let me say we are so glad you are active on the board...your replies are strong and everytime I read it, it gives me an extra boost. My history - I had an apartment ready and everything last summer, DD just plan out refused to come with me. It was like I had to go off on my own and hope she joins me. So I just didn't do anything. She keeps going back and forth with him..I think she knows what he is, but she doesn't want to switch houses every week. Says it will be too difficult for her. Folks here had told me to do what I think is right and DD will follow. Ever since then, I have been trying to get courage to do this with or without her. I could try to have him leave..but lawyer had said it was a 50/50 thing..as he knows enough not to cross the line..(or rather I have backed down when he blows the top..)

cl_queen, He yells at her too for small things. So she also is subject to it. But

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Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 10:18pm
An option to think about would be to move out on a more temporary basis. You could get an apt lease for 6 months and see how things go. She doesn't necessarily need to switch houses every week. I agree, that would be too hard on a kid. You could see her when you could, it doesn't have to be a 50/50 thing.

If it were me in your shoes, I would move out with a 6 month apt lease, I wouldn't file for divorce at this time. I would wait, there's not really any hurry to get divorced, just move out. See dd when you can. Take her to your apt every other weekend. Occasionally see her during the week, when you can, go to her activities when possible.

I personally would wait to file for divorce. The divorce will go much quicker and cheaper after dd turns 18. After you were to move out I think dd would have a new found respect for you.

sweets35
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Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 5:30pm

Hi, Winter!

Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 8:36pm

Yes, I am debating getting a place for 6 month lease. I don't think it was the apartment as such..like a friend says, it could be the plaza, but she is going to still yell and scream at me leaving and the fact that she is alone at home facing her dad on her own.

My therapist says..you are not going to get her buy in..just do what is right..and she will follow eventually..that is kind of where I am at..

Another alternative is to stay in the house, get a formal separation, have everything spelled out instead of just picking up and leaving (but the latter is not easy when abuse is involved)..I think he is going to poison her mind no matter what.

What do you guys think of this - get a place ..tell dd that I

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 10:14pm
I think the plan for the formal separation would be out because he's not reasonable. I don't see him agreeing to anything at all.

I do think the moving out would be good. I also think she'd be spending more and more time with you as time went on. I think it's a very good plan.

From your posts I can tell you are getting stronger. You seem to be less anxious about everything.
sweets35