thought things were going good
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| Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:13pm |
Anyway to make a long story short, I woke up to the fact that he has been abusing me on and off for years...mostly emotional but sometimes a bit physical (punched my arm on a few occasions, throws things, a bit too rough with the kids at times, but no real hitting or anything like that). Scary yelling, some controlling behaviors, etc. Not all the time. It comes and goes, so about 80% of the time he is great.
Well I told him when we had our last big blowout that I was fed up. I told him we needed counseling but he said we had no money, no time, blah blah blah. I told him he was abusing me and he acted like I blew it WAY out of proportion (no surprise there) and basically said that if he was doing these things it was all my fault for nagging him, driving him to act this way. I actually mentioned divorce, if things didn't improve.
Well after that, things got really better for the last few months (I know, honeymoon phase...) He wasn't throwing things, didn't yell, tried to let me make decisions, etc. I knew he would eventually slip up but I started feeling like maybe I scared him enough to change. I know, I know, they never do...but I thought, well, MAYbe. I still couldn't feel romantic toward him and haven't for years, therefore I am really unfulfilled, can't even stand him kissing and hugging me which he wants to do all the time. Tells me I'm sexy, etc etc. I know I do not even come close to being as physical as he would like, and I am a cold fish when it comes to him, which I know isn't fair, but for a long time I just have not had those feelings for him and have just 'put up" with kissing, hugging, sex. Unless I would pretend he was someone else, then I could sometimes enjoy it. But I was starting to feel like "Ok, maybe this could work, he is being good with the kids, I feel like a happy family...lots of people would kill to have the life I have."
And then it started. When we were on vacation, my youngest dd was acting up, and yes, I was yelling and angry with her....but then I went upstairs and I heard him yelling and telling her to get up, and then her crying. She came running upstairs with tears streaming down her face, saying "Daddy hurt me, he pulled my arm too hard..." I know that her arm was fine, but it did hurt and the tears were real. Of course, when I mentioned it to him, he said "Oh come on, she was faking it to get attention, I barely touched her".
Then on the way home in the car (we have had some big fights in the car), he was driving pretty recklessly, being one of those jerks who tail you real close, and weave in and out of traffic to get past people. Well we had all 4 kids in the car, and all the time in the world...I kept telling him to stop, that it scared me, and he wouldn't...saying 'just read your book and let me handle it, I have control, you don't know, you aren't driving". Well I do admit that I was being a little naggy, bringing it up several times, but I really hate when he drives like that, and I was scared, so I kept telling him to stop (not yelling, just talking). Then out of the blue, he turns to me and SCREAMS at the top of his lungs, with the 4 kids in the backseat, "YOU WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT IT AGAIN, AND THAT'S IT!!!" "AND YES, I AM TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO, AND YOU'LL DO IT!" Of course I wanted to scream back but the kids were listening and he was driving. I said "Stop!" and then let it go.
Well I was fuming last night after that, and he just acted like nothing was wrong, trying to grab my butt, joking with me, etc. WHY does he ignore this when it happens? He never ever says he is sorry (that might help a LITTLE) because he doesn't think he is wrong.
I thought maybe it was the stress of the trip and it was over, but then today....I was on the phone with a neighbor who I am just starting to get to know, who has never called before, and dd kept trying to talk to me about some craft she wanted to do, even though I told her to wait. So I locked the bedroom door and she kept knocking but I didn't want her to think that she could do that so I was trying to ignore her so she would learn she can't talk to me when I am on the phone. Well he was in the master bath, in the room, getting ready, shaving, etc. I figured if it got real bad he would come out and tell her to stop. I mean, he is a parent, too, maybe he could help me out while I was on the phone.
Well...while I was on the phone he was banging stuff around, starting to throw a couple of things. When I got off the phone I said "are you mad at me???" he said he was, and told me I should have not let her bang on the door like that, that what is going on in the house is much more important then my stupid phone call. I tried to explain, but he got furious and came up about 1 inch from my face, screaming at me, and pushing me with his chest until he knocked me down. I was not hurt physically but he was pretty scary and loud and all I could think was "the kids are hearing this again". I yelled back and he yelled and then he stormed off, after chucking a toilet paper roll across the room.
THEN, (sorry this is so long), after I came downstairs, he started talking to me like nothing was wrong. He of course did not mention it and did not apologize. There is a certain front to put up in front of the kids, I do realize that, which is hard. But he was going beyond that, and trying to joke with me, trying to bump into me on purpose to touch my butt, stuff like that. I am not speaking to him now, he just came in and said "there's a good movie on, do you want to watch it?"
What the hell. I don't get it. He's in there laughing at the movie like he doesn't have a care in the world. We can go on for months with everything super and although these behaviors are few and far between, when this happens, all I can think in my head is "I hate you, I hate you, I want OUT of this".
BUT, we just bought a new house, I don't work, we are strapped financially (couldn't even afford counseling right now if we tried), we have 4 wonderful kids who really aren't exposed to this all that often, who love their dad, who just got uprooted from their old neighborhood an hour away, are in a new school trying to adjust, who would take this so hard. I feel trapped, I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I want to be divorced, because of the kids and because he is all I have known for the last 18 years....we are so connected with family and friends, and no one knows this side of him. His parents must think I am bitchy when I'm nagging him while they are around, but they don't know what goes on when they're not, to make me that way.
Sorry this was so long, I am so frustrated, and I know he will be pissed soon that I am making a "big deal" of this (you know, I am just FULL of such drama). I don't want to fight with him, it makes everything more miserable, but I don't want to pretend that I'm not hurt and angry. Help, I am just at my wit's end.

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I read your post, hanging on every word as if I wrote it myself. I live your life everyday. I understand your frustration about wanting to leave, yet not being able to. And the part about not even being able to stand him touch you....right there. My husband does that also, go on with life after a blow up and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened and it's all over for him. He tries to hug and kiss me and I can't stand it. He will pick up on it sometimes which will lead to a fight so I just go with it now. It's almost like rape but I don't say no or stop, just let him. I am so sorry for all who have this as their lives. I wish I could make it on my own, then I could have the courage to leave.
Good Luck to you.
~V
Hi there and welcome back -
You're not being a drama queen.
CL-Blueliner4
Wow, feelingsolost.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
Today he came home and I wasn't really talking to him and he did come in and - GASP! - actually say he was sorry for "fighting with me". I told him that I could not let this go, that I don't deserve to be treated this way, that he can't act like this anymore, and to that he said "F- off". Some apology. He then went on to describe HIS views of the situation. To him, I am flat out lying about how he pushed me down. He says I tripped on a bag on the floor and he purposely did not touch me. This is not how I remember it. Maybe I am wrong, but I really can't be sure.
I told him that it doesn't even matter if he did that or not, that he shouldn't have gotten in my face like that and scared me and he of course brought it back to me, saying "Why is it always me? Why do you refuse to believe that you have anything to do with this?? What about you yelling at me?" I tried to explain that I only start yelling at him when he yells at me, and that my "yelling" is raising my voice, and his yelling is getting 1 inch from my face and screaming at the top of his lungs. He said for me to try to pull the stuff I pull on anyone else, and "just see what they do, and if they can take it or snap."
I'll admit, I am no saint. I have my faults. I do raise my voice to him sometimes (nowhere near as loud as he does with me), I do get bitchy sometimes, I will nag if he won't listen to me, I don't let him touch me all that often and tend to push him away even when he tries to kiss and hug me (although that could be a byproduct of years of him treating me like this - don't know for sure), I don't tell him I love him first, I do yell at the kids, I do tune him out sometimes when I should be listening, and I don't spend quality time with him as much as he would like.
But in MY mind, he STILL doesn't have the right to treat me like this. No matter what I do, I don't scare him, I don't command him to do something as though I am the ruler of all people, I don't throw things around when I am angry.
He twists my words around to the point that I am doubting myself yet AGAIN, thinking if only I were better, a nicer wife, more supportive, more loving....maybe he wouldn't be pushed to act this way. I know this is classic, I know what you are all going to say...I just need to understand what is going on.
He said that he is "so sick" of me hot and cold, being pissed one minute and happy with him the next. All of my "emotional" ways. That he never knows how I will act. I told him that it is an act if it looks like I get over it, that I do it because I want things to be normal again and don't want to fight, am exhausted from fighting. Of course now he is blaming me for lying about things being fine.
He even said "I am tired of this, just divorce me then, I can't keep doing this." I feel so sad, that this is what it has come to, that 18 years with him has been a waste (aside from our beautiful children). All the happy memories, the way he has protected us, taken care of us, is good in a crisis, is always there for me when I need him. He has never cheated on me, he has never really hurt me physically, he is nice like 85 % of the time. Maybe I should learn to live with that 15%, just to be comfortable and not uproot the kids, to keep that family feeling that I would miss so much if it were gone. No one in my family has ever divorced, and everyone thinks things are peachy with us (except for my mom, who knows what is going on).
I am so TIRED of feeling this way, I just want everything to either be okay or be over. :( I am so, so, so, sad.
Hon, it doesn't matter if you are Mother Teresa, he'd still find a reason to get in your face about everything.
CL-Blueliner4
And the phone issue!! The dreaded phone!!! Why do we talk on the phone? Because they don't listen or want to listen, and our friends are our support. And, yes, it's taking their attention away from them. Do you know how many times I'd see him pull in the driveway coming home from work and say "I've gotta get off; he's home!" Because he would shake his head and make his comments.
And sex, ughhhhhhhh!!! I get nauseated at the thought. Even the kissing or hugging or touching!! Ughhhhhh! I left with no feeling for him whatsoever. How could you have any feeling for somebody who has been emotionally abusing you? I would go through the motions too half the time, and then it got to the point where I'd shut my eyes and act like he was someone else.
Leaving is tough; it's rough. But I'd never go back. Somedays I wonder if I made the right choice because I'm alone. Then I realize I've been alone for years. Now I just don't have to answer to anybody, have friends, and can talk on the phone all I want!!! I have a teenage daughter too, which doesn't make it any easier. Right now my main focus is to get her away from him because he's doing to her what he did to me. Financially it's hard because I get these guilt feelings because "he was such a nice guy" and he crys poor mouth and I don't want to fight in court and have the lawyers take what money is left. And everybody out there thinks he's so great. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Turn to the resources that are available. I wished I never stayed so long. I wished I never got in it in the first place. Abusers are abusers; they'll never change.
Good luck; you're not alone.
Happy
I am in a similar situation with my H regarding sex and other physical contact. Thankfully, he doesn't even ask anymore. I can't even comprehend having sex with him, probably because he used to be nice until I acquiesced and then would be a real jerk the next day.
At any rate, this is a good place to be. Some of the folks here are really knowlegable. And just reading the posts can help lend some perspective to your situation, which if it is anything like mine, can make you question your sanity on a regular basis (and likely have a detrimental effect on it as well.)
Probably one of the most helpful things someone said to me when I was first here was that I wasn't a failure because my marriage is what it is. And getting out of such a marriage, or seeking to make a change, doesn't make you a bad mother or a failure at anything. I would say the opposite is true. I hope that offers a little comfort. Hang in there and visit often.
MG
Ooh, gawd.
CL-Blueliner4
The latest and scariest thing is that I popped online this morning and went to get my email. I had emailed my 2 closest friends pretty much what my last post on here said, almost word for word....thinking that I could read any responses this morning and delete them. Both friends responded and included my email in it. I can tell from the mail that the emails from them have been read. Not only that but one of them was forwarded.
I am shaking. I am so scared, not of what he will do to me, but of this whole thing. I feel like this is the end, and it really frightens me.
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