thought things were going good
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| Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:13pm |
Anyway to make a long story short, I woke up to the fact that he has been abusing me on and off for years...mostly emotional but sometimes a bit physical (punched my arm on a few occasions, throws things, a bit too rough with the kids at times, but no real hitting or anything like that). Scary yelling, some controlling behaviors, etc. Not all the time. It comes and goes, so about 80% of the time he is great.
Well I told him when we had our last big blowout that I was fed up. I told him we needed counseling but he said we had no money, no time, blah blah blah. I told him he was abusing me and he acted like I blew it WAY out of proportion (no surprise there) and basically said that if he was doing these things it was all my fault for nagging him, driving him to act this way. I actually mentioned divorce, if things didn't improve.
Well after that, things got really better for the last few months (I know, honeymoon phase...) He wasn't throwing things, didn't yell, tried to let me make decisions, etc. I knew he would eventually slip up but I started feeling like maybe I scared him enough to change. I know, I know, they never do...but I thought, well, MAYbe. I still couldn't feel romantic toward him and haven't for years, therefore I am really unfulfilled, can't even stand him kissing and hugging me which he wants to do all the time. Tells me I'm sexy, etc etc. I know I do not even come close to being as physical as he would like, and I am a cold fish when it comes to him, which I know isn't fair, but for a long time I just have not had those feelings for him and have just 'put up" with kissing, hugging, sex. Unless I would pretend he was someone else, then I could sometimes enjoy it. But I was starting to feel like "Ok, maybe this could work, he is being good with the kids, I feel like a happy family...lots of people would kill to have the life I have."
And then it started. When we were on vacation, my youngest dd was acting up, and yes, I was yelling and angry with her....but then I went upstairs and I heard him yelling and telling her to get up, and then her crying. She came running upstairs with tears streaming down her face, saying "Daddy hurt me, he pulled my arm too hard..." I know that her arm was fine, but it did hurt and the tears were real. Of course, when I mentioned it to him, he said "Oh come on, she was faking it to get attention, I barely touched her".
Then on the way home in the car (we have had some big fights in the car), he was driving pretty recklessly, being one of those jerks who tail you real close, and weave in and out of traffic to get past people. Well we had all 4 kids in the car, and all the time in the world...I kept telling him to stop, that it scared me, and he wouldn't...saying 'just read your book and let me handle it, I have control, you don't know, you aren't driving". Well I do admit that I was being a little naggy, bringing it up several times, but I really hate when he drives like that, and I was scared, so I kept telling him to stop (not yelling, just talking). Then out of the blue, he turns to me and SCREAMS at the top of his lungs, with the 4 kids in the backseat, "YOU WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT IT AGAIN, AND THAT'S IT!!!" "AND YES, I AM TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO, AND YOU'LL DO IT!" Of course I wanted to scream back but the kids were listening and he was driving. I said "Stop!" and then let it go.
Well I was fuming last night after that, and he just acted like nothing was wrong, trying to grab my butt, joking with me, etc. WHY does he ignore this when it happens? He never ever says he is sorry (that might help a LITTLE) because he doesn't think he is wrong.
I thought maybe it was the stress of the trip and it was over, but then today....I was on the phone with a neighbor who I am just starting to get to know, who has never called before, and dd kept trying to talk to me about some craft she wanted to do, even though I told her to wait. So I locked the bedroom door and she kept knocking but I didn't want her to think that she could do that so I was trying to ignore her so she would learn she can't talk to me when I am on the phone. Well he was in the master bath, in the room, getting ready, shaving, etc. I figured if it got real bad he would come out and tell her to stop. I mean, he is a parent, too, maybe he could help me out while I was on the phone.
Well...while I was on the phone he was banging stuff around, starting to throw a couple of things. When I got off the phone I said "are you mad at me???" he said he was, and told me I should have not let her bang on the door like that, that what is going on in the house is much more important then my stupid phone call. I tried to explain, but he got furious and came up about 1 inch from my face, screaming at me, and pushing me with his chest until he knocked me down. I was not hurt physically but he was pretty scary and loud and all I could think was "the kids are hearing this again". I yelled back and he yelled and then he stormed off, after chucking a toilet paper roll across the room.
THEN, (sorry this is so long), after I came downstairs, he started talking to me like nothing was wrong. He of course did not mention it and did not apologize. There is a certain front to put up in front of the kids, I do realize that, which is hard. But he was going beyond that, and trying to joke with me, trying to bump into me on purpose to touch my butt, stuff like that. I am not speaking to him now, he just came in and said "there's a good movie on, do you want to watch it?"
What the hell. I don't get it. He's in there laughing at the movie like he doesn't have a care in the world. We can go on for months with everything super and although these behaviors are few and far between, when this happens, all I can think in my head is "I hate you, I hate you, I want OUT of this".
BUT, we just bought a new house, I don't work, we are strapped financially (couldn't even afford counseling right now if we tried), we have 4 wonderful kids who really aren't exposed to this all that often, who love their dad, who just got uprooted from their old neighborhood an hour away, are in a new school trying to adjust, who would take this so hard. I feel trapped, I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I want to be divorced, because of the kids and because he is all I have known for the last 18 years....we are so connected with family and friends, and no one knows this side of him. His parents must think I am bitchy when I'm nagging him while they are around, but they don't know what goes on when they're not, to make me that way.
Sorry this was so long, I am so frustrated, and I know he will be pissed soon that I am making a "big deal" of this (you know, I am just FULL of such drama). I don't want to fight with him, it makes everything more miserable, but I don't want to pretend that I'm not hurt and angry. Help, I am just at my wit's end.

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This is how it all started for me, too.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
I just sent him an email....he had read the email I had sent to my friend this morning and then when I confronted him with reading it he just said he needs to know what is going on, and that he learned more from my email than he ever knew. Here is what I said:
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So yes, I have faults, of course I do. BUT...that doesn't give you the right to treat me like you are more powerful than me, it doesn't give you the right to command me, to talk down to me in front of our kids, to scare the hell out of me and them, to throw and break things, to act like a father to me. I am a grown up, I deserve to be treated like one. Yes I do on occasion raise my voice to you, but there is a difference. Everyone raises their voice sometimes, but what you do is so much worse.
I know you think that this is all coming out of the blue, and maybe it is. Over the years I have put up with these things, I have hated them as well as hated you when they have occurred. But I usually got over it pretty quick. I always knew something wasn't quite right, but I guess it just never hit me that this was not a normal marriage, that I shouldn't have put up with it. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I don't know what made things "click" for me...maybe it was when you threw the papers at my leg...but all of a sudden I just "got it" , figured out that this is what was wrong all that time.
Also, did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, I am the way I am with you now because of the years and years of this controlling thing? I just wonder that if me not wanting to kiss you and hug you has anything to do with the dynamics of our marriage building up over the years. I never was a cold person, but I feel like one now. You think I have changed so much since we were younger. Did you ever think that part of why I have changed could be because of you?
What confuses me is that much of the time things are pleasant, you are good with the kids, you compliment me, you are always there for me if I need you. But then there are these blow-ups. And even during the good times, underlying everything is this feeling that you are the all-powerful leader, and that I am always wrong. Even if you listen to my opinions they are never valid enough for you, never logical enough for you. I never feel like I'm good enough.
The thing is that we cannot start repairing this until you can realize that these behaviors are wrong, and that just because I "nag" you (usually because you seem to have the final say with everything), it does NOT give you the right to demean me or to control me or to scare me or hurt me. Or to expose the kids to these behaviors. But you refuse to see that this is wrong, and you continue to justify your behavior by blaming it on me. Until you can realize this and change, I cannot work on spending time with you, being close to you, etc. because I am just too hurt by this.
I also was shocked that you had read my emails. I do need to talk to my friends, I need someone to talk to or I will go crazy. But I just felt really violated that you would snoop like that and it truly, deeply hurt my feelings.
I don't know what else I can say. I do still believe that we need counseling. I know that things have to seriously change if we want this to work. And what I said in my email about being so sad is true. I can't eat, can't sleep. There is a knot in my stomach. My eyes tear up all the time. We cannot go on like it is. I can't get past this or just ignore it this time.>>
Then he forwarded it. I did find out that he forwarded it to himself, however. Still inexcusable.
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