Thoughts, questions....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thoughts, questions....
4
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 9:16pm

By way of sharing experiences, I want to toss out a couple of questions.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 10:04pm

What sort of input from others (aside from the abuser) helped you make your decision and follow through?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 10:05am

I joined this board two years ago when I first left my XH. During the second year of marriage my then STBXH became verbally abusive and would push and throw me. He was getting worse and worse, I thought maybe drugs or alcohol had something to do with this. After a very scary incident I left (went to my mom's house) and never went back. I reluctantly filed for divorce. I came to this board and got the advice I needed to not go back.

It was extremely difficult as I loved my XH (and still do!) very much. The information that helped me stay the course was the statistic that less than 1 % of men will change and violence tends to escalate. I also read the book, WHY DOES HE DO THAT. Leaving my husband was horrible. I still question myself. I made the mistake of continuing to talk with him on the phone (he moved 7 hours away) so I did not cut the emotional connection until a few months ago when he finally got a girlfriend. My rational mind tells me I did the right thing but I still love and miss him. Holidays are really tough and I feel lonely some of the time.

On the positive side I did move on with my life. I have spent two summers in Europe (I'm a teacher, which allows the time off) and I moved into a nice condo. My finances are stable and I don't have to worry about money mysteriously disappearing or his bad credit. Overall I do not have any regrets because I know things would have gotten much worse and he would have hurt me real bad if I stayed (he's a big guy with a bad temper!). To this day I still suffer major self esteem issues because of his verbal abuse.

My advice to all is to keep reading the board. I read this board everyday, especially when I start to doubt myself (still!!) about whether I did the right thing. It's a tough road but it's the only option if you want to get out alive.

Good luck ladies! Stay strong and focus on the road that will bring you to a brighter future! Expect it to be difficult but know that you will perservere!!

Much love and big hugs to all!

Gemini

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 2:31pm

I like these questions I see posed every now and then on this board. It really makes you think carefully about what is going on inside yourself and what motivates you. I think this is very critical to getting a firm grasp on your emotions and rebuilding the self esteem. That said, these are much tougher questions to me than they at first seem.

What sort of input from others (aside from the abuser) helped you make your decision and follow through? Words, attitudes, actions, anything.
I had various...no, a multitude...of people who told me I was being abused and why was I sticking around. I didn't want to listen because I thought I would be a horrible person if I gave up on a marriage. I figured I hadn't tried enough. But what helped me make the decision to leave was ultimately what a counselor said to me rather bluntly...that if I didn't, I may not live much longer to regret it. In a state of child like uncertainty, I turned to all of the people who told me long ago I needed to leave, and they so kindly offered the support and reassurance I needed.

What helped you to feel worthy, capable, and hopeful?
I had a boss that was so supportive. Shortly after the whole ordeal, when I was feeling horribly shaky, uncertain, and just a complete mess, he gave me a merit award. The kind words of praise I heard from those who heard of the award and knew nothing of my situation, made me feel quite proud and more certain that it was for the quality of my work and not an act of pity. After feeling so long like a pathetic sod, I started to feel worthy, capable and hopeful again. Sadly I couldn't do much more than mumble thank you because I was too close to bawling when I received it.

What held you back, confused you, or made you feel unworthy?
This is the hardest question to answer. I was going to post that 'I guess' the abuser made me feel that way, but let's just call a duck a duck....the abuser made me feel that way. But I often wondered why. I thought I had everything under control. I thought I was strong. But when I look back, I was anything but that. There is still a lot of confusion here. For example, the ex had said I was beautiful. On the surface it seems like there is nothing wrong there. So I asked myself why I always felt so ugly. In the past I concluded it must have been just me and not him. I am the problem. But then as I posted on these boards and read other people's posts, I began to rethink those thoughts. He said I was beautiful, yet he told me no other guy would want me. He was near vicious about me not working out at the gym or jogging. He said I was going to get fat and he didn't like fat women. He even said I was getting flabby and told me that I wasn't like I was when he met me. He often, so often told me that I should make more money and could manage it if I slept with the boss. He was always asking me who I was sleeping with and even would describe sick imaginary acts that he accused me of doing with this or that guy. For this reason I felt cheap and low. I never wore a dress at work for fear that I would be seen as cheap for showing my legs. I guess his whole approach was to compliment and then criticise on the same topic (sometimes in the same breath). It is very confusing and leaves you wondering if it isn't all you as he claims it is.

What advice would you personally give to anyone wishing to support those surviving domestic abuse?
Keep reading the boards. When you are unsure about what you are feeling, don't be afraid to post it. Many people have been in the same position and can give you reassurance. Be trusting of others trying to help you, especially when you repeatedly hear the same advice from so many people. You can't always see the forest for the trees when you are in the middle of it. Sometimes there are moments when you can no longer see where you are going and you have to allow those who truly care about you to lead you by the hand to safety.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:21pm

What sort of input from others (aside from the abuser) helped you make your decision and follow through? Words, attitudes, actions, anything.

There were a few very powerful moments/words and one that came from this, I remeber reading a post wnere the woman simply said how it was to live in peace and I wanted peacemore than anything on the earth, peace for me and my children. The other was from a DV counsellor who believed me, after I haltignly told my story and I saw genuine concern and fear in her face.

What helped you to feel worthy, capable, and hopeful?
I educated myself on every aspect of abuse an on recovery and gave myself itme to heal, allowed the tears, the rage, the pain to run its course wihtout dictating my life. I also found a friend (we met in the Shelter incidently) and we talked, and talked, shared stories, frustration...everything, IT WASmy first experience with acceptance and it did wonders for my soul.

What held you back, confused you, or made you feel unworthy?
I was held back by my own fear of not being able to supprt my children he used it on me all the time but he didnt realize that it could only hold me so long becasue eventually my fear of him was greater than that andIwould live on KD and water before I would stay onemore moment wiht him. Just an aside - I rarely eat KD and just bought a brand new car so he was obviously wrong LOL. Then there were the waves of low self esteem pummeling me that i am still conquering. There are still days i cannot look in the mirror but I am fighting back all the time.

What advice would you personally give to anyone wishing to support those surviving domestic abuse?
KNow that you are not alone...read these stories and they will inspire and stregthen you. Inform yourself about abuse, above recovery, about divorce, all the legalities becasue fear of hte unknown is osmetimes a worse stubbling block than what you know you fear. The more you know the better off you will be.

Lisa