Is this a threat?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Is this a threat?
11
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 2:18pm

Hi All -

I need an objective opinion. I received the following e-mail from my ex-boyfriend. We've been broken up for about 7 months now. I've been asking him this whole time to just leave me alone. Last week, he came over and plowed my driveway as an "act of kindness", and expected gratitude, even though he was trespassing (I have a no-trespass order against him) and he rammed my garage door with the plow. Anyway, here's the e-mail:

>>Hey!
>>You are now, in my mind, a non-friend!!!
>>Take that as you will, or call it what you may, I'm sure you know
>>exactly how my "non-friends" are treated.
>>I have developed a very bad dislike towards you that WILL be addressed
>>in the correct manner.
>>That is in no way a threat or stab at you or your character or belongings.
>>As far as my ex-friend, Jimmy he and I will deal with things in a
>>manly way I am sure....the sooner the better!! I'm sure that he and I can come to
>>some MANLY way to address this in a CALM and very SINCERE!!!! manner.
>>I would like to ask you to not come into any establishment that I am
>>already at,,,and I will pay you the same COURTESY.
>>As far as I am concerned you no longer exist and never did. Isn't that great?
>>nothing,
>>pffsst

Jimmy is a man I've been dating. I know he says he's not threatening me, but I do know exactly how his "non-friends" are treated. And even he's not stupid enough to blatantly threaten me in writing. Am I making too much of this? Or should I be worried?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 2:55pm

Hi Annie -


First off, if you have a no-trespass order, you need to report him coming over and plowing your driveway.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 3:10pm

Definitely a threat, against both of you. If you still have the email, print it. If you haven't reported the violation of the no-trespass order and the vandalism, do so now. Who helped you with the no-trespass order? Can they advise you on a restraining order? Either way, you and Jimmy should both report the threatening letter to the police.

Take care of yourselves - both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 4:10pm

I am in agreeance w/the other two.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 6:14pm

I definitely agree with everyone else! These are indeed threats and you need to print this and take it to the police. Because you have a no trespass order against him, you should not have a problem getting an RO either! Do it ASAP!

As you have stated, (and the rest of us know what he means), you know what he is capable of! Cover your Butt hun!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 6:47pm

This is serious. Today would have been my 27th anniversary. I met my ex about 30 yrs ago. I didn't know then what I know now, I wish I had, I wouldn't have wasted 30 yrs of my life with this person. All the advice here IS RIGHT ON. We didn't have a name for it back then like we do now. ABUSE. Be safe.

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 8:00pm
Yep, sounds like a threat to me. ESPECIALLY considering your RO. I woudl report this, printed out, FAST! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 11:22pm
Hi annie…please listen to this very carefully. You are dealing with a full-blown STALKER and given the tone of this e-mail this situation could easily escalate into a very dangerous situation and possibly already is given that he’s looking for a confrontation with Jimmy “the sooner the better”. He is not taking no for an answer from you which means that he has claimed ownership of you, he doesn’t believe that you have the right to say no to him. Please – from this moment forward, DO NOT respond to him in ANY way. That is the biggest mistake people make in stalking situations. To a person obsessed in this way, any response from you means the “relationship” is still going and that’s what he wants. Talking to him to tell him to leave you alone doesn’t work with stalkers, stalkers don’t care if the response is positive or negative, they just care that they still have a connection with you and talking to him in any manner gives him that, which gives him encouragement. I know it seems weird that a person would be encouraged by negative contact, but you are not dealing with a normal, healthy person. Please, immediately, do a search on “stalking” or “stalkers” and maybe even “intimate stalking” which is what it’s referred to when it’s a person you once had a relationship with, and get all the information you can on how to handle them and how to stay safe. Get the book “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker and/or “Surviving a Stalker” by Linden Gross. Both of these books will help you understand what you’re dealing with and how to get out of this situation with the best chance of minimal damage. This is a MUST. If you can only get one, get The Gift of Fear. It was a best-seller for a long time and should be available at your library. This e-mail is absolutely a threat, and his threat of handling things with Jimmy in a “manly” way probably means that he is willing to use violence to get Jimmy out of the way. Forget what he said about in a “calm” manner, that’s a smokescreen. Jimmy needs to watch his back. Stalkers tend to see any new men as what stands in their way of getting what they want and Jimmy is now in this position. You both need to do everything you can to ensure safety for yourselves. Much of this e-mail is cryptic, as you said, he is not stupid. Do not for a minute believe that he is going to leave you alone, he is not going to. He is not going to leave it at this e-mail. The ONLY way to get rid of a stalker like this is to cut off his access to you. Please read the section in The Gift of Fear about intimate stalking and restraining orders before you make any decisions about what to do about this legally. You want to try to de-escalate this situation and to have the best chance of doing this, you need to know all the options and then pick the one that best fits your personal situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s hard and scary. As an aside, is your name from overboard?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 11:34pm
The Gift of Fear is an absolutely gorgeous book. What a smart man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 2:26am

Thank you all so much for your concern. Especially you, sweetdreams. And yes, Annie Goolihy is from my feel-good movie, Overboard.

I don't know what state you all live in, but here in Mass, restraining orders aren't so easy to come by. I've tried twice to get one. The best I could get was the no-trespass order. I did change my e-mail address, as well as my phone numbers. He still contacted me at work, though. I work in a very large corporation where it's just not feasable to change an e-mail address. So I gave him my new one, because getting the e-mails at work was too distracting. I feel like the only way I can get him out of my life would be to quit my job and sell my house. I refuse to let it come to that.

It probably goes without saying, but he's a junkie. He's been kicked out at least seven times, to my knowledge, in the past 13 months (twice from my home). I think in his warped, twisted mind, he thought I'd be so grateful for him plowing my driveway that I'd take him in again. I don't understand why he's so angry now when I've been telling him for more than six months to just leave me alone!

You gave me some excellent advice, sweetdreams, about not responding to his threats. I actually did reply to his e-mail, but the dumb s$!t doesn't realize I still have the password to his account, so I was able to delete it before he could read it. I'll let him have the last word. I'd love to tell him how much I hate him and what a big loser he is, but that wouldn't do anyone any good.

Anyway, I think I can get things under control. I have a friend who has friends in the police force. I'd say half of what he does in his waking hours is illegal, so if they keep an eye out for him, he'll be snagged sooner or later. If that doesn't work, I have plan B, which is too long a story to go into at the moment. Nothing illegal, a totally win-win proposition.

Thank you all so much for your advice. As I said, though, here in Mass it's harder to get a restraining order. I have to convince people who don't know him as well as I do that these are very thinly veiled threats. Jimmy read the e-mail, and he thought he was saying he was going to leave me alone!

I feel like you all know him, and you know me. What wonderful, caring people you all are! Thanks so much for being here for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 9:48am

Annie, I'm in MA too. The laws here are actually pretty good. However there are those people in the legal system who will discourage you from trying. I'm curious, who stopped you from getting the RO before? Was it a judge refusing to grant it, or someone else who just said it couldn't be done? You were in a relationship with this person and you are afraid for your safety. That constitutes domestic abuse. Now in addition he has shown that he can't follow the no-trespass order and has vandalized your property. What he did was dangerous - what if he hits you with the plow next time? Things have gotten worse.

Have you contacted a shelter? They will know how to cut through the BS and their legal advocates would rather walk you through an RO hearing now than through an assault trial later. Sometimes you just have to try a few times to find the right person.

As for trying to bargain with an abuser, I wouldn't advise it. They're not reasonable people. He'll perceive your attempt to work with him as a payoff. Definitely give the nearest shelter a call. Take care and keep us posted.

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