The time has come but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
The time has come but...
3
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:12pm
I had posted on the New Beginnings board, not knowing where to post. Blueliner4, your reply helped alot. I replied there as well.

Now, my question is, what do I do now? I have a appointment with a DV couseling center next Tuesday. I finally took the plunge and decided to trust someone. I gave them my full name & address even though I am still scared that i will lose my girls. I have also inquired about counseling for them. They offer it free and my children are in the age range to qualify for it (ages 2, 3, 5 & 6). Ok, not the 2yo. I was assured that CPS would not be called. I hope not, they are my life and if I lost them i would lose everything.

I am very scared of being able to make it on my own with 4 little ones. I realize that i will most likely not be able to keep my home. I have been a SAHM for 6+ yrs prior to which i did have a great career in finance. I cannot go back to that though. How do I work again when childcare would be about $600+ a week? To be honest, that is why i think I stayed so long. Though, I will do whatever it takes to raise my girls in a loving stable home i feel at times that putting them in a situation which could become very grime financially would be worse.

I also know that I have no clue what the future holds. i just want it to be happy. I want to feel happy. Something i have not felt in many years. I was raised in a family that went to church every Sunday. Becuase my H thinks religion is a joke we have not gone back. We tried it but he would say it's a joke in front of the kids so I felt that it was a conflicting message and just stopped going. he wouldn't hear of me just taking them so that was out. Out because i didn't need to add another hassle into the mix. I am losing faith and that hurts alot.

Gees, i just want to take my girls and run, run far, far away. but I know that will not accomplish anything and will only make matters worse. I do not put him down in front of them, he is their father and he does have a right to be a father. Though he may not be a good one, he has not in any way shape or form put our children in any danger. I do not fear for them i fear for me. Well, I guess he did put them in danger when he beat me up 2 years ago in front of them and when he wouldn't stop yelling and screaming at me infront of them last week. I left them house that night knowing that i would be the one in trouble because, why would I leave my children with someone who i was so afraid of. I just wanted it to stop and if i tried to take the girls he would have stopped me. It has happened before.

I am just rambling. I feel like my head is spinning and it is going to explode. i have completely lost myself. I used to be happy, I used to do a lot and now i don't do anything. I don't feel like it. I just feel stuck. But, i also know i took the first step and hope that i can find the strength and courage to continue.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:14am

Hey, sweetie, I'm glad you came downstairs.


First off, seeing a counselor through a shelter isn't going to get your kids removed.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:53am
you do have the courage and the strength to do what is right for you and your children. yes getting out will be hard, but it is the best thing you can do. there are many services that can help you financially, i'm sure your DV counselor has many references. use them, and yes, be honest - completely open and honest. if you're going to save yourself and your children you have to.

good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 7:58pm
Please don't give up on your faith. Trust in God. I too was raised to go to church every Sunday. My H thinks religion is stupid also, though he does believe in God. When I married him, I quit going to church. After we had our daughter and she became older, I went back and am still going faithfully every Sunday. It's hard to get her to attend because she's with him on some weekends and she says "I'm going to have Daddy's religion". Believe me, if it wasn't for my faith, I wouldn't have the strength, courage, or will to live every day. I'm not a religious fanatic by no means, but I trust in God to pull me through my deepest down days and He's there. I pray to Him every night to give me the strength to pull me through this mess (divorce). I say the "Serenity" prayer often and heed those words. He gave me the courage to change the things I can. I left! I'm still praying for the serenity though. Don't lose faith. It's all we have! And our children need it.

God bless!