The time has come but...
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:12pm |
Now, my question is, what do I do now? I have a appointment with a DV couseling center next Tuesday. I finally took the plunge and decided to trust someone. I gave them my full name & address even though I am still scared that i will lose my girls. I have also inquired about counseling for them. They offer it free and my children are in the age range to qualify for it (ages 2, 3, 5 & 6). Ok, not the 2yo. I was assured that CPS would not be called. I hope not, they are my life and if I lost them i would lose everything.
I am very scared of being able to make it on my own with 4 little ones. I realize that i will most likely not be able to keep my home. I have been a SAHM for 6+ yrs prior to which i did have a great career in finance. I cannot go back to that though. How do I work again when childcare would be about $600+ a week? To be honest, that is why i think I stayed so long. Though, I will do whatever it takes to raise my girls in a loving stable home i feel at times that putting them in a situation which could become very grime financially would be worse.
I also know that I have no clue what the future holds. i just want it to be happy. I want to feel happy. Something i have not felt in many years. I was raised in a family that went to church every Sunday. Becuase my H thinks religion is a joke we have not gone back. We tried it but he would say it's a joke in front of the kids so I felt that it was a conflicting message and just stopped going. he wouldn't hear of me just taking them so that was out. Out because i didn't need to add another hassle into the mix. I am losing faith and that hurts alot.
Gees, i just want to take my girls and run, run far, far away. but I know that will not accomplish anything and will only make matters worse. I do not put him down in front of them, he is their father and he does have a right to be a father. Though he may not be a good one, he has not in any way shape or form put our children in any danger. I do not fear for them i fear for me. Well, I guess he did put them in danger when he beat me up 2 years ago in front of them and when he wouldn't stop yelling and screaming at me infront of them last week. I left them house that night knowing that i would be the one in trouble because, why would I leave my children with someone who i was so afraid of. I just wanted it to stop and if i tried to take the girls he would have stopped me. It has happened before.
I am just rambling. I feel like my head is spinning and it is going to explode. i have completely lost myself. I used to be happy, I used to do a lot and now i don't do anything. I don't feel like it. I just feel stuck. But, i also know i took the first step and hope that i can find the strength and courage to continue.

Hey, sweetie, I'm glad you came downstairs.
First off, seeing a counselor through a shelter isn't going to get your kids removed.
CL-Blueliner4
good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you
God bless!