Tired of analyzing myself!
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| Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:36pm |
Why do I let him do this to me? I hate that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I end up analyzing myself and what I've done and if it should really have pissed him off so much.
I have plans with my girlfriend tonight. This is always cause for some sort of blow-up. This time however (these are my thoughts anyway) his mood manifested itself in the fact that I didn't tell him that the store I went to on Sunday didn't have his aftershave lotion and that I should have told him (I was already planning on picking it up at Target today, which I did) so he was irritated about that. Then, we traded cars last week, mine is making a weird noise but is still very drivable. He takes the train so he drives it to the station. My commute is 40 mi either way. So he was doing me a favor. This morning on his way out the door he asks if I need anything out of it - meaning he wants to drive it. Well, all of the kids' toys/snacks are in there so yeah, it'll take me at least 5 minutes to transfer all the stuff. So he blows up, saying how pissed he is that he has to get up 45 min. early (yeah, more like 20) because I'm going out tonight so he has to drive so he can get the kids and that he can't believe I didn't realize he'd want his car and now he has to drive my f---ing car, slams the doors and leaves. All of this in front of our kids who have no clue what his problem is and luckily just keep going about their business. During his explosion I told him that if he had said something last night it would have been no big deal for me to move everything.
So we just talked for the first time today a few minutes ago and he says he can't believe I have nothing to say about this morning. I again repeated that it wouldn't have been a big deal if he just would have said something last night and that I can't read his mind to which he says "I shouldn't have to say anything. You should be thinking of me and the fact that I have to pick up the kids, blah, blah, blah - you just don't care." I then ended up apologizing for any inconvenience I caused - I didn't mean the apology but I hate that I felt forced to apologize when I don't think there was anything to apologize for!!!! He hangs up on me but then of course has to call back to say that he knows I think this has something to do with me going out tonight but that it absolutely doesn't. I hate that even though I know better - something like this happens EVERY TIME I GO OUT - I think "well, maybe it doesn't...." AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
I hate that he has clouded my judgement and that I start wondering if what I did should have caused such an uproar. Never, ever has anyone else ever tried to make me feel like I'm such a thoughtless jerk.
I've already made up my mind that I can't stay and I've found some great resources. I have alot of homework to do and I try not to let things like this get me down but it's so hard. Will I ever be able to be in a "normal" relationship??? I'm afraid my brain is so messed up now. I've never doubted myself so much relationship-wise than I have while with him. It's like I don't know who I am anymore.
ok, that's enough for now - I could go on and on but I know you all can relate. What would I do without this board?!?
Lisa (who is still going out tonight dammit!!!)

Lisa,
You've made some really important correlations. The fact that he gets angry and picks fights over something when you know what the issue really is----the fact that he doesn't want you to go out with your friends, maybe he doesn't even want you to have friends. It took me years to get to the point where I knew what all the complaints from him about me were about----some jealousy or insecurity or any kind of success of mine, no matter how small, jealous about my closeness with the kids, etc.
You say you will get out. Be very careful. Read my last post. If you think he will fight you for custody, make sure to get a good lawyer (I have no idea how to do that---I thought mine was good---what a disaster!). Please. Interview as many as you can. Don't let happen to you what happened to me, where he gets 50% custody.
So make your plans wisely. You are so smart.
How long have you been married to him and how old are the kids?
Vonique
Vonique,
Thanks for your post and encouragement. I've been following some of your posts and I'm so sorry that legal action for you turned out to be such a disaster. I can't imagine how it must've been standing there in court with that little pipsqueek attorney you ended up with that day. Ugh. Unimaginable.
I just know that I have to plan, plan, plan. H likes to talk big - Threats like, "I'll get the best lawyer and take the kids away from you!" while hurtful are, if I know H, a lot of big talk. He can't even pay bills on time, or ever, and he thinks he can convince me he'll put the time and effort into trying to get sole custody?!? When it's something I know he doesn't really want? It would mean no playtime for him and way too much responsibility. I just need to gain all the knowledge I can and have everything in order before I get to the day where I tell him, "I'm done. It's over, I cannot do this anymore."
It can just be so draining. I know you know that. I hope you will find the strength to leave again, this time with a better attorney. Keep posting and keep building up that strength.
H and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5 long, draining years. I have a DD who is 3 and a DS who is just about 5. It'll be tough leaving but staying will be much worse for them and that is my motivation for leaving.
Big {{{hugs}}} to you,
Lisa
Hi Lisa, I havn't been here in a while.It's been crazy chaos at my house recently.Anyways,as usual,I relate to what you're saying.Any time (and it's very rare)that I actually get to go somewhere without my H,he finds a reason to be upset with me.He never directly says "I'm mad b/c you're going out"... he doesn't have to, I know.Usually the night or morning before I'm to go,he's nice and tells me, oh yea go ahead you deserve it..it'll be fun for you bla bla bla. & then when I'm getting ready to leave he gets this attitude.
Just like you I find myself analyzing the whole thing. CONFUSION, they're a master of it.
No,you're not a thoughtless jerk.HE is.
And yes I do believe that someday you can have a NORMAL relationship,with a NORMAL person.YOu now have the insight to avoid jerks like him.So sorry you had to obtain it in this way though.
Go out and enjoy yourself,and dont feel a grain of guilt about it.
(((Hugs))), Serenity
Hi Serenity - It's nice to hear from you. Sorry about your chaos at home. Sometimes it gets like that, doesn't it? I hope you're hanging in there.
>He never directly says "I'm mad b/c you're going out"... he doesn't have to, I know.Usually the night or morning before I'm to go,he's nice and tells me, oh yea go ahead you deserve it..it'll be fun for you bla bla bla. & then when I'm getting ready to leave he gets this attitude.<
My H does the same thing, OMG, right down to the words you used: go ahead and go out, you deserve time away, etc. and then when the time rolls around here comes the attitude/silent treatment. They ARE masters of confusion. Wow. Does your H do this: Say the two of you have plans to do something but it's obvious you're tired and not feeling like it. My H will say "It's ok if you don't feel like going out tonight, if you're too tired." And my response, "Really? That would be great, I'm so exhausted." Fast forward an hour later and he's going off on me for not wanting to do what we had planned, saying I never really wanted to in the first place, etc...." Amazing, the manipulation and resulting confusion.
And I did go out, and had a great time catching up with my girlfriend. On my 45 min drive home I called another girlfriend who lives in another state and caught up with her - she and I have a ton in common. She's lucky because today she signed her divorce papers - yea!!
I hope you're doing ok. I think about you!
Big {{{hugs}}} to you to,
Lisa
"Does your H do this: Say the two of you have plans to do something but it's obvious you're tired and not feeling like it. My H will say "It's ok if you don't feel like going out tonight, if you're too tired." And my response, "Really? That would be great, I'm so exhausted." Fast forward an hour later and he's going off on me for not wanting to do what we had planned, saying I never really wanted to in the first place, etc...."
Absolutely.
He also makes plans for just "the two of us" without consulting me first.Not that I want to spend any time with him anyway,but he knows how hard it is for me to get a sitter.And our poor children stay bored out of their minds because he doesn't want to do anything fun with them,and gets extremely irritated if we go without him.
He has to be the most selfish man alive.I truly despise him.
So glad you did go out,and you had a great time.You deserve it!
Hugs, Serenity