tired of being scared

Avatar for springolife
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
tired of being scared
20
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:16am

HEy, everyone.

Pages

Avatar for springolife
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 8:53am
I don't have time to post everything, but I do want to say the session with the pastor went really well and we are going back in a couple of weeks, unless something hapens before then. I am still here. DH was different with Kailey last night. He was obviously shocked when I said in the session that I am scared of him at times.

Thanks for your suport and advice and prayers.

Sarah, mother of two preemies


Kailey Faith at 32 weeks 1-23-03 (EDD 3-17-03)


Bethany Hope at 34 weeks 2-22-04 (EDD 4-4-04)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:26pm
hi spring...welcome to the board. i know what you are going through b/c i have been there before. not too long ago actually. tried counseling and it didn't work. it seems easier to try to fix the problem and hang around then to just leave. but, trust me, it's not. less then 1% of abusers change. crazy huh? but, it's true. you are fighting a lossing battle here.

my suggestion to you would be to read read read. get familiar w/abuse. the more you know the better. i was also raised in an abusive home. my dad sounds just like yours. my mom is still w/him b/c she believes in marriage. that's just how she is. once my mom found out my stbxh was abusing my children they hated him and supported me. your parents will stick by you. another suggestion would be to seek counseling for yourself. try and figure out why you choose this path. you said it's not the first time you've had an abusive relationship. well, my stbxh wasn't my first one either. after intense counseling i've realized i choose to play my moms role in all of my relationships. finding men who needed fixing, ones who were broken, i'd take them in and let them walk all over me. b/c that is what i grew up seeing and thought it was okay. but, it's not and we all know that. it's really hard to break the cycle but you can do it. start by thinking of your kids and what you are raising them to think is okay. by staying in this situation you are showing your children that abuse is acceptable. they will grow, just like you and me, and accept this behavior. what will you do when your daughters get older and have an abusive boyfriend.? the cycle continues.

there's so much at stake here. please, you've got to see this situation for what it is and make steps towards freedom. it takes time, but it can happen. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:42pm
I need to point out that I think you have been hoodwinked by your H. All abusers 'perform' when called on their actions. I'm sure he *acted* shocked at your revelation that you are scared of him at times but, he wasn't shocked that he scares you. He knows he scares you. He chooses to scare you. He does it on purpose. Maybe the look of shock was because he couldn't believe you told your pastor. He was not shocked that you are frightened. How do I know? Remember what you posted on Tuesday afternoon? You've already told him that he scares you and he responded that he does not want you to stay if you're scared.

Keep your eyes wide open and definately have an escape plan. Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:13pm
I agree get out ASAP! DO NOT leave your children with him! DV shelters take in children too not just women! He has already harmed them enough, he might do worse to get back at you if left alone with him! There are financial resources available and a DV shelter could get you help so you dont have to adopt the children out. A lot of women say anger managment classes only justify what the abuser is doing has a reason and a lot of times they turn it around on you. they just dont work, also they say less than %2 of abusers change which is next to nothing. Contact the police and bring your girls and leave ASAP, do NOT leave them behind! He will NEVER give them back and it could be used in court for him to take them away from you. If you were around and he did these things to these girls than imagine what he could do when he is so mad because of you leaving what he could do! DO NOT put it past him! I havent read this whole string yet, but I too had to delurk because it caught my attention so bad! Please grab your kids and leave! And don't EVER call him again! that is how they get us back and convince us to come back, when theres contact. than look into getting an RO or PO I'm sure the cops will tell you that too. keep us up to date so we know you and your girls are ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:42pm
I also wanted to add after reading this string, even though things may seem to get better, thats usually what we call a "holiday". than after the holiday is over the abuse starts again. Its part fo the cycle of abuse. All of these women are concerned for you and for good reason. in a lot of religions now adays, it is ok to get divorced because of abuse and/or drugs. maybe in the past when there werent as many laws it was different, but now the churches have recognized that there is a problem with women satying just because it's "against their religion" to get divorced. Dont just stay because of what you're parents "believe" because like the others have said if they knew what he was doing to his grandchildren and how scared you are, than i'm sure they would be supportive all the way. he is NOT going to change, and most would tell you that marriage counseling does not work in a DV situation. It only adds fuel to the fire and in those sessions also they find fuel to use against you and it usually makes situations worse. Of course they act on their best behavior in counseling and since they are good manipulaters, they can manipulate even the best of them. I have 3 children, one of mine's bday os feb 23, but a different year (I noticed one of your girls is feb 22nd), they are all 6 and under and my bf have lived separately for 1 1/2 years and I have been doing it on my own with no help from him even financially this whole time. I too thought I could never do it alone but here I am. Trust me, is it worth the fear that hes just going to snap on you or your children? Either of your children could tell someone even now, what he does or has done and your kids could be taken. A neighbor could call the cops next time he has an outburst and they hear it, than if and when they question the kids, what would happen next?

Please none of us are trying to be harsh we're giving you advice because we have all bee there or are going through similar things, even though I sometimes feel I have no place to talk we're all here to support one another and give advice.Like one of the ladies said do you think God wants us to stay with someone whom we feel our life and our children could be in danger or do you think God wants us happy and our children happy?

I have wanted to end my almost 5 year relationship with this man for a while. Even though they're not hitting you now as in my situation, doesnt mean DV isnt going on. Its the controlling, maNIPULATION, VERBAL ABUSE, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, EVEN ECONOMICAL ABUSE (sorry hit caps lock on acident). Your girls will feel the tention, the fear.

Most abusers go on to abuse even there own children also, so this won't just stop at you. He already started on them and it only gets worse.please keep us up to date and tell us how you are no matter what you choose. we will be here for you no matter what path you take, we are ALL just SERIOUSLY concerned for you and with good cause. Even just reading the posts will help you as they have helped me. i usually post on the sister board but I come here to lurk too and this one got my attention.It made me stronger. A Lot stronger and even helped pull me out of a depression. Good luck. ((HUGS))
Avatar for springolife
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 5:21pm
The thing is, I LOVE him and we have a very happy marriage. We rarely ever argue. I don't always feel scared, just on occasion. I have more to say, but K is being aweful right now.

TTYL

Sarah, mother of two preemies


Kailey Faith at 32 weeks 1-23-03 (EDD 3-17-03)


Bethany Hope at 34 weeks 2-22-04 (EDD 4-4-04)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 11:33pm
He throws your baby daughter and you say you have "a very happy marriage"? Hoooo-kay. You say its ok because you're not scared of him all the time, only sometimes. Well he isn't going to kill you very often either, only once. So is that ok? Maybe he will only kill one daughter, not both.

Of course, the important thing is the lives of you and your children, and the other posters have really addressed this very well. I want to make a more minor, but still important, point. You said that in spite of the fact that it is your parents who are giving you the down payment for your house, he refuses to put your name on the deed. He says this is because of the mortgage company's rules. That is complete crap. There are no rules that say a wife can't co-own a house. Whether she is a co-borrower or not. Whether she contributes to the payments or not. Your husband has made up this story to take advantage of you. He is in the process of taking your down payment and your house away from you. I don't know the divorce laws in your state, but in some states the person whose name is on the title gets the property in a divorce. If you divorce, you and your children may end up losing the house and the money your parents gave you. The fact that your husband would even WANT to screw you out of title to the house that your family is helping to buy for him says that he's really out to get you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 11:38pm
He throws your baby daughter and you say you have "a very happy marriage"? Hoooo-kay. You say its ok because you're not scared of him all the time, only sometimes. Well he isn't going to kill you very often either, only once. So is that ok? Maybe he will only kill one daughter, not both.

Of course, the important thing is the lives of you and your children, and the other posters have really addressed this very well. I want to make a more minor, but still important, point. You said that in spite of the fact that it is your parents who are giving you the down payment for your house, he refuses to put your name on the deed. He says this is because of the mortgage company's rules. That is complete crap. There are no rules that say a wife can't co-own a house. Whether she is a co-borrower or not. Whether she contributes to the payments or not. Your husband has made up this story to take advantage of you. He is in the process of taking your down payment and your house away from you. I don't know the divorce laws in your state, but in some states the person whose name is on the title gets the property in a divorce. If you divorce, you and your children may end up losing the house and the money your parents gave you. The fact that your husband would even WANT to screw you out of title to the house that your family is helping to buy for him says that he's really out to get you.

Avatar for springolife
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:08am
Oh, I checked into the title situation before I decided to stay with him. It is actually ILLEGAL for me to NOT be on the title. Because this is a community property state, even if I WASN'T on the title, I would still automatically own half the property. I talked to him about it and he said he told me he thought I MIGHT not be able to be on the title, not that I WON'T be. I have signed every paper he has signed reguarding the purchase of the home, with the exception of the loan paperwork. So, according to the loan officer, I will be half owner.

In addition, he says he didn't mean it to SOUND like he thinks about killing the girls and I. See, because I have been in abusive situations before, it's difficult for me to diferentiate reality from fears (irrational, or rational, if they're not based on truth then they aren't worth listening to.) Everyone closest to me, with the exception of one person, believes that we are not in real danger and that I am overreacting. Even that one person says she trust me and my deciscion to stay. I hate to leave him if that's the case. I can't give specific instances when I was afraid of him, and it's possible they were just triggered by something and unrelated to him and anything he has done.

IT is true, my children are most important and if I feel that they are in danger I will leave. I have friends that can pick me up and I can stay with them. I am not ignoring what everyone has been telling me. I weigh it against what I know of DH and myself and what others tell me, and based on all that I have decided that we are not really in danger. Trust me, I still watch him like a hawk!

Sarah, mother of two preemies


Kailey Faith at 32 weeks 1-23-03 (EDD 3-17-03)


Bethany Hope at 34 weeks 2-22-04 (EDD 4-4-04)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:11pm
I hope you will still post here. As i said efore I post on the sister board, Domestic abuse support under the health message boards if you ever wanted to lurk and post there too. We are not judging you or trying to tell you what to do. we are here to give advice and support and in the end it is your decision. I have minimized the abuse I have gone through in the past and gave excuses for my bfs behavior, but I learned not to do that anymore. i do not want to see another woman go through what i have been through with my bf and my children. Sometimes our advice may seem harsh but its a way of getting through to victims and we get very concerned and worried for the women and children that go through this. You took the first step in finding this board and posting and thats good. Even if you just read the posts it helps a lot, like I said it helped pull me out of a depression and made me stronger inside as a person. I even left him for a little while (had to have cops call him and tellhim to stop calling and harrassing me or he would get arrested). Its the only way I can break this off besides an RO or PO. But he called me from a payphone a week later and I picked up, and thats always how he gets me back because he knows I wont call the cops to get him arrested. i feel stupid for that, but he knows how to weasel his way back into my life.

Please dont take this the wrong way but maybe you should get in contact with a DV counselor to help you through this. We all need someone to talk to and it would help tremendously. Even if its a group that meets. They usually have them at local DV shelters, but you would have to call the DV hotline and they can talknto you on the phone give you advice and get you in touch with a counselor or support group.

Hope this helps. Try and help yourself. you deserve it and so do your children.

Please keep posting and update us! ((HUGS))

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhabuse

Pages