Told 19 dd that I was going to get help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Told 19 dd that I was going to get help
4
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 12:15am

Hello everyone,

I don't know if I should have done this or not, but it's done so I can't undo this.

My 19 yr dd approached me about letting a 19 year guy friend of hers stay at our home for a couple months, until he can find a place to live and a job. She said she trusted this person and would never bring anyone into the house that she thought would bring harm to our family. She's always been very mature and she's never caused me any behavior problems. I mentioned before on the board that when she was 15 she sought help for her bulemia and self injury and is doing great now!

Anyway, my first thought is NO since we don't know who this person is but I appreciate that she had the courtesy and respect to ask me about this first, so I want to keep an open mind so that I don't alienate my dd.

However, with my reaching the breaking point right now with my dh, I felt that this was yet something else I'd have to deal with and I'm not sure if it would cause more conflict around here. I said to her that this was a tough request because her dad and I are working out some problems and that I was going to my first counsel She was a little taken aback because she didn't think the situation had escalated to the point that I am going to seek help. She told me she felt sad to hear about this and debating even making her friend that offer. I told her that she shouldn't feel that way and that nothing has changed. My intention was not to make her sad, just make her aware that I've got a lot to deal with right now. She told me she could never live with my dh if I ever left and then then she said maybe she should move out althought it's sooner than she expected because she's been working to save up money, so that I would have a safe place to stay by going to her place if I ever needed too.

I told her that should never be the reason she moves out. Now I feel bad for putting her in that kind of position. I am ok with her moving out but when she is ready and for the right reasons, not to create a safe haven for mom.

As I said before maybe I should not have volunteered that I was going to get counseling....

Thanks for listening....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 7:34am
I dont think you put your daughter in a bad situation.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 8:18am

Thanks wishful, that makes me feel better. I guess I just have that tendency toward sharing things with my daughter that will make her sad. She's got enough on her plate now just with working and going to college and having to live with my dh's personality. But she recovered from bulemia and self-injury by seeking help and I told her she was my role model because she sought and wanted to get help. I did ask her if she perceived my getting help was "drastic" or "wrong", but she said no, that she was glad that I was going to get help. So that made me feel better.

Actually our relationship was rocky when she was a pre-teen, she has always been very introverted and tried to suck things up all the time. She inherited our hispanic genes so she has always been a little curvaceous (that's why she makes such a good belly dance instructor) however she was teased at school, then her dad put pressure on her to succeed at school. Anyway there was a lot she was coping with at the time that she tried to handle by herself. It was only after I found out the problems she was having, and we went to family counseling that our relationship became much better and we communicated more. For a while she used to take my dh's side on everything as well, and "agree" with him that I had mental problems, but as she has matured I think she's realized that her mom has always been her strongest ally and she's tried to be there for me as I for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:19am

Hi wishful,

I meant to also add to my earlier response to your post that I am sorry to hear about your situation with your mom. That's must have been so hard to deal with, but it seems like you are handling it well. I hope one day to be that strong!

Thanks,

Diana

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:20am

Your most welcome Diana :-)


I too when I was growing up was picked on at school a lot because I was so tall.

5yrssm