Took a first baby step-scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Took a first baby step-scared
3
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:21am

Chatting with everyone on Sunday gave me the courage to make the first step and leave a voice mail for someone at a local counseling center. Although I am still scared that I did that and what the consequences will be. I am just so tired of his ups and downs. He says he is trying, and did he is getting medical help for his "bipolar" personality and taking Paxil. He says I should go for help but I refuse to, because I won't like what I will hear. He is referring to the one time we went together to speak to a psychologist and the session pretty much ended badly. The psychologist pretty much sided with him on any issues he brought up. He is very persuasive that way.

I may be making matters worse because I've just decided to not show any reaction whatsoever and just go about doing everything
very mechanically. He of course is upset with my attitude. The other day when I was driving him to the train
he mentioned it to me that I am so moody and that I am the queen of
pouting. That he is trying so hard to be nice to me. Of course he overlooked the fact that we weren't even out of the driveway when
when he said I was driving too fast. I just say nothing back when he says all this and just keep going about my business.

I have also been sleeping on the furthest side of the bed for awhile and he has noticed and commented on it, but
again I just don't say anything back.

I am grateful to God for small mercies, the other day we had to attend our daughter's end of season basketball pizza party and he
behaved very well and did not say one thing to embarrass me in front of others. In the past, I've asked him ahead of time to
please refrain from doing that and he still said things. This time I didn't even bother doing that. Of course he did make it a point
to mention how well he behaved at the party and thanked me for being "nice" to him at the party.

There is another couples dinner outing in a couple weeks that I have to sweat it out. I will just keep my fingers crossed.

There is another thing that I am proud of myself for having accomplished and that is to lose some weight. I have always had
back problems and the doc said if I lost about 20 pounds it would make a big difference since I was 5'2 , a size 16 and big
busted (additional weight on my back as well...)

I started to do Weight Watchers Friday mornings on the sly and I have gone from a size 16 to an 8 and I am feeling so much
better about my back. Before I felt I like I didn't care but, I feel so much better about myself in that respect. And it's
something he doesn't have any control over, except to say I am crazy for trying to lose weight! Again I just ignore that.
He of course is very overweight and I have tried to help him eat healthier. So at least I have one thing I can feel good
about myself....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:52am

Yay for you!!! And going from a 16 to an 8! Wow!! You should feel so proud of yourself!!!


I SO understand how it is to finally make your mind up to do something about your situation and then the next thing you know, he's making 'little' efforts at acting like a human being. I went through that a lot and still do. However, keep in mind that he sees your attitude, how you don't react anymore (I'm the same way) and he's probably sensing that you're getting close to leaving him, so he's scrambling to get you back. My H sounds a lot like yours, wanting to be thanked for treating me respectfully or doing what he should already be doing, expecting praise for acting like a normal human being rather than being a jerk all of the time.


Just over a month ago I left my H, took the kids and went to the shelter. Fortunatly, he agreed to leave the house so that the boys could be back in their own beds, so he's been living with friends and is getting his own place soon. It's still really hard. I'm suddenly a single mom of two little boys, expecting another, and working and going to school, so it's pretty rough doing it all on my own, but I'm managing. I hope that you are able to take the next step now and I will be thinking about you!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 10:27am

Hi Samantha,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support. I don't know if I have the courage to leave though, especially since that would really mess up my 11 year old by taking her away from her home. Although as I write this he would NEVER allow it. In arguments, he is always threatening to throw me out and take me to my mother's where I will be much happier there. But with him it's a double edged sword. If I did that, he would then say how I left etc.... If I leave on my own that happens too.... I lose no matter what I do.

I am just so trapped.

I am happy that you are expecting an angel in July. It's funny how sometimes children are just meant to be born, no matter what the circumstances may be.

Thanks,

Diana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 1:44pm

Diana:

I was once in an abusive relationship and felt trapped. I stayed for four years because I was afraid of the consequences of leaving. My ex had destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I truly felt no other man could love me. I didn't want to be alone, so I stayed.

The turning point for me came one day while I was at work. A man who I found attractive, made it known that he found me attractive as well. What that told me was if I left my abusive situation, I would eventually find someone else. Someone who would treat me better. My ex lost his powerful, abusive hold over me that day. I no longer had to believe the lies he put in my head.

I am now 13 years out of that horror story and married to a wonderful, loving man who is everything I always hoped for in a mate. I was scared to death when I left my ex, but I knew I had to do it for my own well-being. It took me four years to get ready for that one day in my life...the day I left my abuser. I was fortunate that I had my parents to turn to for assistance, and no children to be concerned about or marriage to dissolve. However, there is assistance out there for women who are married and have kids with their abuser.

I plead with you to find the courage to leave this abusive situation. I know it all seems very scary, but it's the fear of the unknown holding you back and you CAN overcome it! Your 11 year old will thrive in a situation where there is no hostility. Yes, the divorce will be hard on her, but don't you think the current situation is hard on her too? Trust me, it is better to face your fears and get your life back eventually than to live "mechanically going through the motions of life"! I know you have to do this when you are ready...but think about it. (((HUGS)))