This is torture.....
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This is torture.....
| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:36am |
This is so hard, he is peed off because he went to the bank to try to buy me out and he can't get enough money....too bad so sad. I spent the night last night on the computer looking at stuff and he kept buggin me. I just don't feel like being around him and he knows it. So tonight I have been doing the same and he comes in and asks me what I am doing, I said looking at stuff, as he was walking out he said but your hiding something, I got a bit mad and said and I am writing a letter to myself is that alright with you, he said no because you should just be honest.... arrhh he is watching me at the moment like a hawke he hates me being on here talking about him! Don't worry he has no idea where I am and I have covered my tracks and he is not computer savy at all so no chance of him getting on here! I just want something that is mine that he can't corrupt for once it like he wants to own me including my thoughts its so friken draining fighting all of this all of the time! My brain is in overtime and I can't slow it down even though I am so unbelievably tired its not funny. Last night was bad I kept having nightmares which is a first for me in about a year and then my tummy was playing up all day, I went to the dr though and got some really strong pain relief so at least that has settled down. I have to have a colonoscopy soon though which I hate! I am tired of being poked. Poked at home poked at work poked by the dr's enough already. I am off to my counsellor tomorrow, its been about 8 weeks since I have been so I will have lots to say. I am actually proud that I am going back its funny I actually let him get to me without realising it you see he used to hassle me for going, he would critise them and tell me over and over how it was crap and they where just telling me to leave him blah blah then he when I couldn't go for a couple of weeks because of work he started in on me about not going!!!! How I was not making any effort only he was because he was going to his counselling and I was too lazy and too this and that and didn't care because I hadn't been going. So I let his words I think get under my skin and found myself making excuses to myself not to go....and kept saying next week i'll go next week, well no more I am going tomorrow! Its funny you know just this one little example is just that one little example and yet I am so peed that he does this to me about EVERYTHING whatever he can do to get to me he doesn't really care about what he is talking about he just changes his tactics to suit his NEED TO MAKE ME WRONG AND HIMSELF WRIGHT stupid man, stupid me for putting up with it....NO MORE
You know I have spent so much time on trying all these years to make sense of all of this and fight him, fight him in the way he has treated me all these years I never never gave up I always had hope, hope that one day things would change that he loved me and he would get it and stop he would see how much he hurt me and stop. If I left he would get it he wouldn't let his family be torn apart all because his need to be wright is the most important thing in his mind. How wrong I was, he loves being in a family he loves having a family but he LOVES abusing me more. How sad is that! Why did I pick this man what was I thinking ooohh hang on I was 15 and I was running away from a verbally abusive father I wasn't thinking!!!I thought he was my knight ( he was able to stand over and up to my father)little did I realise he would turn of that onto me!!
oh dear what a tangled web we weave, I am so tired of fighting for the most basic of human respect, tired of hurting, tired of feeling guilty for even breathing some days, tired tired tired. I used to think I was strong but right at this moment I feel so weak from everything like there is just nothing left inside me to give anymore, just empty I can't wait for the day this feeling goes away! Please talk to me girls I need some encouragement I need to know I am no alone cause as the tears are rolling down my face I have never felt this alone in my life!! Please talk to me tell me its ok tell me my girls will forgive me!! please help me get through this I can't do it without you all.......
bye
M
You know I have spent so much time on trying all these years to make sense of all of this and fight him, fight him in the way he has treated me all these years I never never gave up I always had hope, hope that one day things would change that he loved me and he would get it and stop he would see how much he hurt me and stop. If I left he would get it he wouldn't let his family be torn apart all because his need to be wright is the most important thing in his mind. How wrong I was, he loves being in a family he loves having a family but he LOVES abusing me more. How sad is that! Why did I pick this man what was I thinking ooohh hang on I was 15 and I was running away from a verbally abusive father I wasn't thinking!!!I thought he was my knight ( he was able to stand over and up to my father)little did I realise he would turn of that onto me!!
oh dear what a tangled web we weave, I am so tired of fighting for the most basic of human respect, tired of hurting, tired of feeling guilty for even breathing some days, tired tired tired. I used to think I was strong but right at this moment I feel so weak from everything like there is just nothing left inside me to give anymore, just empty I can't wait for the day this feeling goes away! Please talk to me girls I need some encouragement I need to know I am no alone cause as the tears are rolling down my face I have never felt this alone in my life!! Please talk to me tell me its ok tell me my girls will forgive me!! please help me get through this I can't do it without you all.......
bye
M

I can relate to you because it sounds like my story in so many ways...the nightmares, the tummy pain, the never-ending inuendos about us not being honest with them...well, where was the honesty for us? The never ending lies, disrespect, manipulation, etc...
You are not alone in this...all of us have/are experiencing the same range of emotions, so we know what you are going through. It's just sad that we have to go through this at all. We meet and fall in love with our "knight in shining armor", we're hooked, then BAM!! We're abused again and again.
You will be fine in time. No one likes to hear that but it is the truth. Time is on your side and it's good to know that you are going to counseling. This is one step I haven't taken yet, but intend to do so ASAP.
What is your diagnosis on your tummy? You say that you take pain medication for it and that you have to have a colonoscopy. I have been diagnosed with diverticulosis, which when infected, I swell up and have horrendous pain...I have had two abdominal surgeries because of it...I have had several bouts of it since d-day but am not allowed (court ordered) to take pain medication...judge said that if I had to take pain medication, then I couldn't possibly take care of my dd and she would give custody to my ex...how scary is that?
You are a very strong woman and will prevail through all of this...you have been hurt badly and we know how that feels! Just take it day by day, minute by minute, and before you know it, you'll be happy again!
hugs!
You are still very strong and will make it...I promise!