Totally Out of Sorts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Totally Out of Sorts...
7
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 3:51pm

Hi all. I haven't posted in a week or two, but long story short: I threw my H of 19 years out after he broke my handicapped DS8's arm. At that time, we were temporarily living in an apartment while our house was being rebuilt to make it accessible for DS (he's in a wheelchair and totally physically impaired). Well, we moved back into the house (or I should say me, DD and DS moved back in) over the weekend and I totally hate it. It's not the house, I guess, although I feel like I'm living in a construction zone because it wasn't 100% finished. The house is huge and grand, designed to be lived in and paid for by H and I. There's no furniture, and now I can't afford any. It's not painted (although I have a painter coming in this week to do at least the downstairs rooms). The elevator hasn't been installed yet so I need to sleep right next to DS's room which means on the floor in the family room. Everything feels so wrong. The house is 15 rooms - way too many for just the 3 of us. I've thought about selling it, but it was designed to suit DS's needs and I know from looking in the past that we're not likely to find anything this perfect for him. And the independence he has in this house gives me tremendous peace of mind. I just hate the freakin' house. We were supposed to move in there happily, as a family. Instead, it's just me and the kids, which is fine, but why the heck do we need this "mansion?"

Can anyone relate????? In the last month, everything that I thought I knew about my life has been yanked out from under me except for my career. That, thankfully, is still going along well but there's a major shake-up on the horizon (October 17) in my industry and then even that will be very different.

I went out for dinner with a male friend last night and we had a good time and for a while I was able to "forget" the mess of my life. But when I got in the car to go home my stomach just fell and the whole thing came flooding back to me. I wake up in the morning and have no idea how I'll get thru the day. When I'm in my office I have some sense of normality - but the rest of the time I feel like a zombie.

Thanks for listening. I feel at my wit's end. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 7:00pm

Hey Mo,


I think you're just a bit overwhelmed right now, with the two kids, a big empty house that represented a "happy family", and all of the stress over the last couple of weeks is raining down on your head.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 8:48pm

Big hugs, Mo. You're going through the rockiest transition right now. Just put off any decisions for the time being. Either the hate or the love will grow and then you'll know what to do about the house.

Keep hanging on to what's sane, what gives you pleasure and peace. Don't be afraid to declare a falling-apart day, 24 hours to underfunction. There were times early on when I had to spend the whole day in pj's on the couch, sipping cocoa and watching soaps.

May the time pass quickly until you feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 9:24pm
The other two ladies are right.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:58pm

Oh, I am so sorry to hear all of this! I haven't been online much lately, but I stopped by here today, and saw your post. Sending love and hugs to you and your DS.

About the house, take a deep breath and remember that you do not have to make any decisions about it until you are ready. Selling the large home, and getting a smaller house (which could be remodeled as well, and if it is a one story, how much better for DS's needs!) may financially make more sense, but again, you are not in a rush. You are a strong person, and I know that you and your kids will make it through this.

Update on me, if you were wondering, I am OK, although back living with H due to lack of money. He has not been very successful in business lately and things are financially quite a disaster, hardly enough for one household to squeak by on, certainly not two. I no longer have any help at home, can't afford it, so I am full time SAHM. I am angry that H will not make more of an effort at work, but he says he is doing all he can, blaming his depression. However, what motivation does he really have anyway to earn more - so I can afford to leave him, lol?! H is no longer being very verbally abusive, (well - it is much more toned down anyway, more belittling and rude than outright angry, which still stinks but is easier to deal with, less disruptive) and his medications and therapy are really helping, but needless to say, I am not in love with him and want to be divorced. We each still have our own bedrooms. He is still massively irritating, irresponsible and infantile. So here I am!

Again, I am so sorry to hear about your DS, that is awful. You know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 6:42pm

Oh, honey, I'm sorry to hear that things took this turn for you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 9:44pm
Thanks Blue for your kind words! I am keeping my chin up, some days it is easier than others. I just don't see a way out at this time, but I am absolutely not resigning myself to this situation. It is wonderful to know that this board is here! Fortunately, I don't have too much to vent about these days, things have improved a lot, so I am mostly just annoyed and dissatisfied, lol. Things are pretty good for me, relatively speaking. How have you been?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:06pm

Not too shabby, thanks for asking.

CL-Blueliner4