a truthful reality...from a past poster

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
a truthful reality...from a past poster
12
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:00pm
There may be a small few of you still here that remember me. For those of you that don't. I left my abusive husband over a year and a half ago. Everything was running fairly smoothly..but my job does not pay alot but I could get by, with my ex paying the mortgage and me living in the house while our kids staying in their community and school. That is the only thing that was so important to my kids..staying with their friends. My ex pulled the rug out from under me today...over a year and a half later and will be kicking me out of the home at the end of June. I will be homeless and therfore will have no shelter for my children. Therefore..I will lose my children...the only thing thats mattered in my life. Without them..I am and will be nothing.

Please make sure when you plan your escape...please make sure you have weighed out all your options. I know some will be angry at me for this comment...but its reality. I would much rather have stayed in an abusive relationship, then be homeless and losing my precious babies.

My life was bad and depressive when I was with him..but I can't even tell you now...what it is today.

Good luck

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:23pm

Brooke, I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:43pm

I'm really sorry, brooke_gal, I sure hope that you find some alternatives between now and then.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:45pm
Hi Sweetie. I remember you. I am SO very sorry about what is happening right now. I know things seem hopeless and the future seems dim. You DO still have options. First and foremost is to find a resource (preferably free) from one of the local shelters for legal assistance. Confer with an attorney as to what your options are...making sure to tell them that your primary concern is to keep residential custody of the children. I don't remember all of the specifics re: whether he was physically abusive, if there were ever police reports filed, or an RO/OP obtained? All of that would be very useful when the courts start thinking about custody -- residential or legal, etc.. Basically, here's where the "chess" game begins. Law is not about "fair", it's about providing the court with the factual information they need in order to have justice swing in your favor. You with me here?? The obvious answer is to put yourself in a situation where the courts have little choice but to reason that the children belong with you. Obviously, this starts with being able to provide them shelter, food, etc.. (even if it means going on some type of public assistance, etc..) AND giving them plenty of information to lead them to believe they DON'T belong with HIM. This is ALL do-able. Stressful? You bet. Hard. Yep. But definitely do-able.

As for the immediate future, I'm not sure who is telling you that you will lose the children, but if you have been caring for them full time and the majority of the time, the children will remain with you unless you willingly give them up, a temporary order is granted to provide for the separation (meaning the courts would have to hear testimony from both parties) or a hearing is heard that you lose. All of these events take time to occur and therefore, nothing I can think of in the immediate future would separate you from your children. Now, if you are saying that you don't want them to be homeless and therefore you would not keep them with you, I would respond by telling you that you don't have to be homeless. But, even if you do, the fact that you would provide for your children's well being even though it means separating from them temporarily until you find a residence and a means to support them would be a reasonable thing for you to do under the circumstances and not something the courts would necessarily penalize you for when permanent custody is determined. It is always better to hang onto your kids though, so the first choice is to find a place to stay.

Yes, you will need help. Start with the shelters, move to churches, synagogues and temples. Obviously any family that can pitch in right now would be a blessing....temporary shelter?? Yes, the world seems like it is crumbling in on you now. Life sucks -- granted. But (big but here), don't let it allow you to lose sight of the fact that it ain't over until it's over...Your new mission in life has changed, yes...but your ability to conquer anything you put your mind to has not. You have not come this far all to let it come down to, "gee, i'd rather stay and be abused,...etc.." There is another outcome...and, the stakes are high. ~~gentle hugs and MUCH support your way dear

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:50pm
Its so hard to explain all of it because there is so much to it...but i'll try and sum it up as briefly as possible.

Shortly after I met him..I moved in with him on his quarter section of land (that was inherited to him by his father)...into a mobile home that he owned. That was in '93. In 98 we traded that home off on a brand new mobile home. We got about 18,000 for the old one...and my parents gave me 10,000 to put down on the new one. So how I see it is this home is ours together but the land it is on is not.

I want to remain here for the sake of our kids. Our kids had a horrible time accepting our seperation. They have now come to better accept it. My daughter went through a horrible time at school last year and part of this. She had no self confidence..no self esteem...girls at school were giving her a hard time..and that was kingergarten and the first part of this grade one year. She is now doing wonderful..she has alot of friends...and she's adjusted well. Her marks are down there but the marks are coming up as the staff at the school and myself work hard on building her esteem and confidence back up. My son is for the first time in his life..getting 80 and 90%'s at school. He is doing so awesome and I'm so proud of him. He loves his home..his community..his friends his school. None of this matters to my ex who wants back in "his house". You see he has been paying the mortgage on it because with my wage I can't afford that AND bills. How I see it is this way...in court he was ordered to pay 600.00 child support and 600.00 spousal. This was issued the first time we split. It was supposed to carry over to when we split the second time. He has never given me the spousal support..which would pay the mortage if he was giving it to me.

Anyway...I'm fighting for my kids who want to so badly stay out here. He has even as a settlement offered to set me up on the other side of this quarter section of land..in some trees where I couldn't see his place and he couldn't see mine. He has offered to hook up power, water...etc..etc...if I got a loan for 50,000 to buy a mobile home to put on it. I can't do that..I wouldn't be able to get a loan. But if I could at least my kids could stay out here. My son is already a mess with the idea that we may have to move to town. A small part of me thinks maybe I should just accept that he's taking the place back and just give him custody of the kids...it would kill me and I'm not sure how I would carry on if I gave up my kids...but at least my kids could keep what they now have.

I have not spoke to an attorney yet but I'm planning on it shortly. My mother will help me with funds for a lawyer..so that will help. But he keeps telling me that according to his lawyer I wouldn't get anything.

I don't know..its just easier to give in and give up. My mind frame has already changed in just half a day..nothing seems to matter anymore. My supper dishes are not cleaned up yet...but it just doesn't matter. I've left a message on my voice mail taking no calls....because I just want to block everyone out of my life right now. I just need to be alone and try to come to grips. All of this because I chose to leave his abuse. Not worth it..just not worth it.

Thank you Cheryl so much for reading my post and replying to it. I hope something will work for me..but I think I've lost my try...I've lost my spirit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:01pm
By the way..something I forgot...we are NOT yet divorced. We haven't started anything but apparently this will be the start. He has scared me into giving into him and doing things his way with a divorce kit he picked up. He has reminded me that we have a $100,000 dollar loan together. Part of that includes our mortgage part of it includes a debt from a business he ran when we were together. he has reminded me that part of that debt is mine. Well how the heck do I take half of that debt?????? I make just over 8.00 an hour. I'm so scared...and I screamed at him on the phone over and over again..."You win..are you happy now..you won..thats all you wanted and now its yours..you win I quit!"

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:08pm
Well his lawyer is WRONG. You have equity in that home and he can't force you to leave. Not without a legal battle; I think once you meet with an attorney, the reality of this situation will seem a bit brighter. The support issues are also in need of a legal resolution that will greatly affect the housing outcome and, honestly, when there are kids involved (especially young ones), the courts are very reluctant to take any drastic or immediate action. Until you meet with YOUR attorney (gr8 that Mom will pay!), hang in there and try to have some hope and faith in things working out the way they should...It is always darkest before the dawn.~~gentle hugs
Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:18pm
Only if you let him. That's the only way he wins honey. He is just trying to frighten you and scare you (just like before) so he can seem powerful and in control. New day, same guy. Everything he says you can automatically discount as being questionable or false. Yes, you will have half of the debt, but it will be offset by the $600/month he has owed you for the past...how many years?? Any back child support will also offset the debt. The equity you have in the house ($10K) more than he does will also offset your portion of the debt, etc..There's SO much to factor in here and He only wants to focus on one small aspect --that the home sits on a piece of his land. THIS is not the prevailing factor. These kinds of things take time too. I know like it all seems like (according to him) it's going to happen tomorrow, but it's not. Priority numero uno -- good attorney. Read up on the articles on the homepage that discuss how to evaluate and choose. Interview at least 3. Hang in there...it's bad, but it's far from over. Try to reach back and remember a moment in time when you went far beyond a point you thought you were capable of...know that this is within you. Prepare to meet the challenge again. We are all here to hold you up when you need us most. hugs dear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:32pm
Do not go with a do it yourself divorce, he doesn't want to split the value of the property with you. If the two of you are married, that is joint property. My last husband had his house from his previous marriage, we were married for 14 years. I got half of the value of the home. He had to take out an equity loan to buy me out. I used the money to buy a share in a co-operative townhouse. The maintenance fee for a two bedroom, l-1/2 bath, with basement ran $425 per month, much more affordable than a mortgage payment would have been; and cheaper than rent now a days. So talk with an attorney before you sign anything your husband draws up. You may have to sell the property to each get your half, but he's trying to take all of it. Go to your social services department for a list of affordable living, co-operatives, or townhouses to rent based on your income. You can't give up without investigating all your options. I waitress and only bring in $250-300 a week working 25-30 hours a week. We never bought junk food or steaks, made meals that stretched, bought on sale, shopped second hand stores and got by. You can do it too, it just seems overwhelming at first. Keep us posted, thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sharon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:11am
Wow.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:04am
Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I woke up after 2 hours sleep and can't sleep again. I'm not sure how i'll function at work tomorrow..I can't even see out of my swollen eyes from crying for 4 hours straight.

I'm so scared for my kids sakes. Academically and emotionally they need to stay in their school. They go to a country school..because we live in the country. If we move to town they have to change schools. My daughter has had extra help at school this year that has done her wonders. They have worked with her emotionally to build up her self confidence. When her father and I split...I think she blamed herself so much...she had no confidence anymore. She has come so far this year....but it did effect her academically. She was too scared and shy to answer teachers questions. She now does so but it really delayed her in kindgergarten and most of this grade one year. She is getting stronger everyday. They won't consider holding her back because it would destroy her self-confidence. It took her almost all year to fit in comfortably with the other little girls at school.. She has done so well the last few months I couldn't have been happier. Now he wants to come along and take all that away from her and dump her in another school where she has to start over again? It would destroy her. My son has gone from a 60% child to one that may receive honors this year. They have thrived. He loves his school..teacher...friends. I'm so scared for them when they have adjusted finally and started doing so well. I am so scared what will happen to them if this is all taken away from them.

I need your continued support...please...I feel so alone in all of this right now.

He tried calling me earlier tonight but my voice mail said I wasn't taking calls. So I imagine when I'm at work tomorrow he will hassle me. I will have to explain to my boss as to whats going on.

Thank you everyone for your words...I am trying to find a little bit of hope in all of this right now..but its hard. I know if I can find a small piece of hope...I'll at least be able to care for my children a little better then I did this last evening. I couldn't stop crying ..and they are very worried about mom. I can't seem to go 5 minutes without crying.

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