Trying to "help" him...?
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Trying to "help" him...?
| Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:13pm |
Very often I read that someone tried to "help" their abuser.
The question I have, is in anyone's history, (other than when he's afraid you'll leave) has any abuser ever ASKED to be helped?
Other than when you're leaving or he's afraid you will, has he ever really needed you, or have you just needed to think that ?
I'm just curious. I know I always thought I was being supportive in the face of the world. The world? Try his FAMILY and MOTHER! Huh? But did he ever ask me, or indicate he thought HE needed help? Nope. That was my assessment. The person who needed help was I, who needed to get over her Rescue syndrome.
But what's your experience or thought about this?
C.

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Angel
That is sooo true. He never asked for help. He would actually say - even on the little things - he shouldn't have to ask. I should just know what he needs. Talk about driving you crazy!
When I finally said enough is enough is when I realized I couldn't help him...I needed to find a way to help myself.
You reminded me of a couple of things.
Once X was working outside in the garage and got mad because I was not considerate enough to get him a glass of water. All he would have had to do was simply asked for one. What a a**hole.
Another time I brought up somethings that I felt hurt our relationship(such as internet porn) and his reaction was "Why didn't you tell me it was wrong." Hello. It was obvious right there his perception of right and wrong was way off. No wonder he did not believe his behavior was abusive.
To me abuser are living in their own world.
My ex would also claim that he was really ashamed of how he cheated on his exwife from the time they were teens. That he didn't want to be that man anymore. He loved me so much he'd never do that to me. On the times I'd catch him calling other women(on the cell phone bill or his phone) he'd claim that he called them when we were fighting and he just wanted to hurt me, but he could never go through with it...Yeah right! Of course, at the time I believed him because that was how naive I was. I still will never know if he ever did meet up with one of them or have a physical relationship, but to me, the fact that he called was cheating...Looking back is hard because I feel so stupid for trying to "help" someone who was such a con-artist. My ex could win an Oscar, I kid you not. Even my SVU investigator (a woman) said she could see his act on the day he was arrested and she questioned him.
Help. What a joke. They are beyond any help that love or support would fix. Thanks for initiating this discussion starseeker. It's better than always feeling like I come on here to whine.
Stephanie
So.
No one -- unless it's a don't leave me ploy like with the drugs -- had their abuser ask them for help.
What made us think 1) they needed it, 2) they wanted help, and 3) we were the ones to provide it?
What made us think we were that good? Or the one for the job?
I laughed at the "why didn't you tell me it was wrong." HUH!? Forget him not knowing the difference -- what would he had done if you HAD told him so? I can hear it in my head, can't you?
Why do we think we have to fix someone who doesn't think they need fixing, doesn't want fixing and frankly? Is unfixable?
I can thank Al-Anon for changing my need-to-fix NEEDS. Al-Anon taught me to step back and quit thinking I was responsible for the world and its happiness. I might have needed that to feel important or needed in return, but why set myself up for hurt and disappointment, to flirt with the next step, which is martyrdom?
No. It's their tornado. Let them be the center of it!
C.
OK - I have a giggle here - because everytime my H would go to a counselor - it was always the magical "3" and then he was "cured."
Do you remember the commercial "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"
Ha! Sorry - just wanted to get everyone to giggle bit. :)
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