two thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
two thoughts
10
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 11:36pm

First, I want to say that everyone on this site has been such a tremendous help for me in pulling myself back together. I am still not there but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. It helps to speak with others that have been through the same things. I for one was only looking for reassurance. I just wanted to hear that I was not crazy or exaggerating the situation as AHL often said I was. Do you know what a shock and relief it was to hear how similar AHL was to soooo many others? Yes, I knew what I had to do when I came here. I was already doing it. I didn't need someone to slap some sense into me, nor did I need someone to give me the reality minus the sympathy. I had too much reality as it is. A safe place was what I needed. And that is what I got.

Second......Just a realization I had over the weekend that I wanted to share.

My mother was complaining this weekend how it took her so much effort to get me to start wearing skirts when I first entered high school, and now I am back to wearing only pants again. I haven't worn a skirt for....well, since the year I met AHL. I began considering why that was. I told her I guessed it might be because he used to always tell me things like 'why don't you wear skirts to work, it might help you get a raise...' And that was told to me countless times. But then I realized that when I did wear something attractive (not so tom boyish), AHL would get quite forceful and start groping me in a very undesirable way. Whenever I wore something feminine, he would take it as an invitation to crawl all over me. When I would try to get away, he would get furious and a horrible scene would result. I got the name 'iceberg' from him for this reason. I suddenly realized the reason for me dressing so tomboyish was to avoid attracting his attention. I felt cheap, like some street tramp when he would push himself on me. I wanted to wear nice things and be told, 'wow, you look beautiful' rather than 'hey, lets go to the bedroom' and then be screamed at and called names if I didn't (which AHL will certainly agree that I didn't, hence the name iceberg). I was so surprised when I realized that I stopped wearing skirts because I felt like I would get no respect, that it was a sign asking for men to treat me like some street walker, and AHL continued to reinforced this by treating me like one if I did. I slapped myself on the forhead for not seeing this sooner, and I promptly went out and bought myself two skirts this weekend. Now I have to get up the nerve to wear them without thinking the thoughts he worked so hard to train me to think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: hglucky
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:29am

Like I told JB, thank you for the kind words.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: hglucky
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 12:05pm
Isnt it funny, well not really funny, but strange, how these men can change so much about you. When you sit back and take a look at what you have changed because of them its almost sickening. I to quit wearing skirts because of remarks that he would make. I havent had a skirt on in probably 4-5 YEARS!! Something I hadnt really thought about till you said something about it. Then I sat back and thought about all the other things that I have changed about myself just to keep him 'happy'. I almost started crying, looking at the things I used to do, the people I used to talk to, the clothes I used to wear. I thought "what happened to ME?" Its so good to hear that you had the strength to go out and buy a skirt, something to many people wouldnt be a big deal but to YOU and many others its a BIG step in becoming YOU again!! Lets us know how the day goes that you wear one!! Im sure you will feel great!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 6:19pm

It is amazing when you realize how much you bend to meet these guys unreal expectations! It just sticks with you long after they are gone! People are apalled when I tell them his demands on what I could and could not wear. That actually helps to reinforce in me that he is nuts!!! Eventually, slowly you will start finding yourself again. One step at a time.

My STBX always subjected me to inspection before leaving the house. It wasn't about jealousy - but more about me looking perfect to fit some ideal he had and of course CONTROL. Forget when we went to his parents house or any of his friends. It was always a fight! It got to the point of me saying, "Do you want to tell me what I am wearing or do we need to fight about it first." Now, realize that I was working in a corporate headquarters and always received compliments on how professional/good I looked in and out of work! Except from him!! No wonder I felt like I was going crazy!

I was never allowed to wear short sleeves, shirts that didn't cover my butt or stomach, and forget skirts(if at all!)that weren't half way down my calf!!! My arms were too fat, butt too big and legs not nice enough for skirts. OH and since I was short I was always expected to wear heels... forget comfort and practicality!! Supposedly heels made me look thinner. This was even after losing 60lbs and looking pretty darn good! God forbid if I walked around the office w/ my suit jacket unbuttoned! He would freak out! We worked in the same company.

Now, a little over a year after separating I still think twice before wearing short sleeves in public or flat shoes. I do wear them but it was and sometimes still is hard not to hear his voice in my head. Especially since I gained weight! But I finally feel like I am starting to reclaim my self, ready to get back into shape for me and gaining the confidence again that I am okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 11:24pm

I wore the skirt to work and admittedly many people were shocked. It was a white skirt just below the knees with a light blue sleeveless top. Not risque. But there were many comments from guys who had never seen me in anything but pants and flat shoes. However, despite what AHL used to say, nobody mistook me for a street trick and propositioned me.

Conclusion: I like wearing skirts. Lots of air in the summer when the weather is hot. And besides, I like the way I look in them. I don't like the shoes though, because they caused blisters. I need better shoes. A pair of black....and some white...and beige. Wow, up until this week I was the owner of never more than two pairs of shoes....hiking shoes and flat slip ons for work. Big change from before AHL when I would regularly wear high heels and skirts. But there must be some heels somewhere that are fairly kind to the feet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 12:54am

Good for you!!!

I am very glad to hear that you have your confidence and yourself back!! Take it and hold onto it...no one can take it from you!!! :)

This group and reading the posts has helped me recognize so much and look at things I wasn't....this is a great and very strong group of ladies. Ha (pat everyones back), we have all come back from something many people don't recover from!!!!

Keep it up!!!

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 7:16am

Yeh!! Good for you! Here is a tip on high heels....always buy a half size bigger, especially if the toe is pointy!

Keep on wearing those skirts and feeling good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 9:10am

Congrats on your realization & your new purchase! I'm glad you posted this - I have a bunch of skirts in my closet that I thought looked cute in the store, but when the time comes that I could wear them I always choose a longer skirt instead. It never occurred to me that it's quite likely for the same reason you've avoided them, as my ex would act similarly to yours. I've just never made the connection before.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: hglucky
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 9:40am
Honey, I bet you looked lovely in the skirt.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 3:34pm

Hey lucky,

I want you to know this 50..oops just turned 51 year old woman went to Kauffman's and hit a sale. Well, I bought some new jeans on sale. They happen to be the hip style with a little flair. For years, I never dressed up. Thought it would keep him away from me.

Anyway, my son and I went to a graduation party and I wore a pair. We were walking in the door and my son stopped dead in his tracks and said. Look at you, you are styling mom! I stopped and realized that yes, I am starting to want to look good again.

Neat feeling.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 4:08pm

So many thanks to you all for lots of kind words!

Ok, I really feel like shopping. That is really a break through since I NEVER liked shopping before. I tend to wear clothes until they get holes in them. And style? Never knew it before. Now I feel like styling. One of the ladies at work asked me today what the occasion was that I wore a skirt the other day. She said I looked really good, but she thought maybe it was a particularly special day. I guess it was. I found a piece of me again. So if anyone is in my neighborhood and feels like shopping, I'm all for it. I don't even know where to start. Oh yes, the shoes. Better shoes that don't hurt.




Edited 6/23/2005 4:10 pm ET ET by hglucky