uggh! so frustrated, plz advise.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
uggh! so frustrated, plz advise.....
7
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:31am
we got into a bit of an "argument" yesterday when we were both at work. We were fighting over the use of the car, he gets to go on this really fun trip with people he works with (and in a round about way so do i), and i needed it to get to work. (Mind you, the car is actually MINE, he contributed about 1/6 of it when we bought it). Well he's been driving it for most of the year, i need it to get around but his trip is only a one day/overnight deal, i guess i can get a ride with someone. Anyway, it was the way it was handled and assumed that he "should" get the car that really bothered me.

We wound up getting into arguments on the phone, over the car and the trip and he started yelling at me (in front of his coworkers who are some of my friends/coworkers); i told him to stop it was embarrassing and of course he continued, i hung up on him 2x and the third time he called back and said "you better not hang up on me again or i'll REALLY lean into you when we get home." i asked if was threatening me and he said "you're g*d d*mn right i'm threatening you"...............the argument continued for a little while, rather he continued to yell at me and then he tried to make small talk which i was having none of........it got me so upset, i was basically crying at work, and then i come home, where his friend is also over, and he tries to be all lovey-dovey cutesy with me, and i just got b*tchy with both him and his friend, decided to go out do dinner and drinks wiht my friend and ignore him the rest of the night. i got into bed and he attempted to cuddle with me and then got mad that i smelled like smokey bar.

anyway, my question is, why does he act like nothing happened? i am still annoyed with the argument and the fact that he threatened me (even though he's never BEEN physical wiht me before, and didn't threaten me with violence, just said that he'd "really lean into me") yet i don't know if it does any good. Do i just ignore it and go on like nothing happened or do i continue to make him more angry that i'm angry? i hate fighting but i also hate being the one that always gives in, i asked him to apologize to me and he wouldn't............ARRGHGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! why does this have to happen? i feel i am going crazy b/c i don't know how to deal with this and then it becomes one more thing i brush under the rug. but what is the other choice? how do you deal with these kinds of discussions? what should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:36pm

Wow, what a catch-22.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:21pm
I wish I had some advice for you! I'm in the same boat. My last fight with my h was last weekend and we haven't been talking all week except for the necessary things. Well now I can tell he is starting to act like nothing happened (his usual tactic to make up - of course he would NEVER apologize). He's being all nice to me, and acting normal. Well my usual method is to give in and give up and just move on. But I'm really at a breaking point right now. If I give in it's like saying he's right in being able to treat me this way. But then again, I hate fighting and not talking, it makes everything so hard, and I know the kids are noticing something is up.

So I don't know what to tell you...but I do know that I'm tired of giving in and acting like nothing is wrong. Because then it's back to the same old crap, and he wins. I'm just wondering how long things will go on like this...this is the longest I've ever gone without "forgetting" about it. How long can we go? How long will he let it go until he apologizes or admits he's wrong? I guess I could be waiting forever.

I hope you don't just act like everything is fine again. Maybe if we stand up to them even this one time, maybe they will start to get it. I guess that is just wishful thinking though.

Sorry I can't be of more help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:33pm
hi, thank you both for at least responding.....its too bad we are all in the same boat (or had been), b/c you just feel completely helpless. I'm so sick of the arguing but I also can't deal with the way he can just shut me down. Its either we argue back and forth until he essentially ends it by insisting he is right or it gets dropped and he acts like nothing is wrong, but god forbid i bring it up again.......ughh. Its just frustrating, last night we went out together and had a fun time yet there is still this lurking feeling of i'm annoyed that he doesn't think i am worthy of apologizing to, yet he is affectionate with me in public. anyway. and the unending debate about the move is driving me crazy, i just can't figure out if we should move away together or not. i can't imagine being her without him, yet i think moving is probably going to be another added stress.....i just don't know what to do! and the town i live in is really dead at this time of year until the summer so there is even less stimulation around here.

cl-bama----what was your breaking point, what happened when you finally ended things? how long were you together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:23am

I tried to find the original post of my story but couldn't.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:20am
This is for unknownname and twins2sets...The confusion is one of the worst feelings, all the questions that you both have I have myself, the only thing I can tell you is that I got this book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and it answered so many of questions. I can not reccommend this book enough. I have read self-help books before but NEVER have I had one that I just could not put down. The whole time I'm reading this book I'm going....yes that's him, yes that's me, that's why....get the book if you can it is worth every penny. Good luck to both of you and if you need someone I'm here.

Sandi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:35pm
hi bama-

your response is actually very helpful, for some reason it helps to hear others stories of how they ended things. Has he tried to get you back? How did you feel when you finally gave him that letter? I keep thinking a letter will be a good way to explain things, but i've tried those before (when i wasn't REALLY re-evaluating the relationship, just when i thought he would "get it").....i wonder if i do leave then if he'll actually understand where i am coming from. I know he doesn't want to lose me, he definitely wants us to move away together again. But there is a logistical reason for not doing so, i have a steady job right now and he does not, i think maybe it is kind of dumb for both of us to move to a place where we are unemployed, have no savings and no place to live (esp someplace like nyc). i kind of want him to go out there, get a bit setteled and then i'd come and meet him.....but i don't think he'll be open to that and i'm afraid to even do that. Not in the sense that he'll hurt me, but in the sense that i don't know how he'll feel. I still do love him....he's been gone for the past day and i even miss him, like not having him next to me when i went to bed or woke up. Sounds weird i know.

Uggh, but thanks for telling me your situation, and i fully understand the "there will always be an excuse as to why it isn't the right time."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:47am

You know, I was so scared when I gave him the letter.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you