Ultimatum after "Torn"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Ultimatum after "Torn"
2
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:42pm
Since my story under "Torn", I told H to get counseling or else I will file a protection order. He offered to pay for the damage to my car, however, still stating he didn't do it. The auto body man said it was definitely clubbed. And he's offered to pay to get the coolant leak fixed in my car because it's an outlandish price that I can't afford. Meanwhile, I found him a counselor today. He probably wouldn't have done it claiming he forgot the name of the counselor that was given to him. He has an appointment Thursday. He apologized over and over for what he did to me saying that he knew it didn't help. My response was "that's right!" I'm livid. I have been nice through this whole ordeal and I'm tired of being nice.

I told my DD not to delete the messages on the answering machine. all fourteen of them. She wanted to know why. I've excluded her from all this turmoil, not wanting her to know what a jerk her father can be and trying not to put her in the middle. Well, I'm tired of that too. She listened to the messages and asked what all he did. I told her, yet I told her he was also drunk and he's not that type of a person sober. Her response to me was "I'm tired of you making excuses for him, and I'm tired of you sticking up for him." Boy, did that sink in! So from here on out I'm not hiding anything from her anymore. I don't know if this is right or wrong. I always tell her he's a good dad. Apparently, he's mentioned a number of statements to her about me (i.e., I have a boyfriend......yeah, right! I'm trying to get rid of him let alone get another one!) I've never talked ill of him. She was very, very angry when she found out what he did. She has a lot of anger like him and holds a lot of jealousy toward me; she learned it well. She cussed to glory and then went and did her "cutting" thing. I'm trying to educate myself on that and have learned a lot. I've also come across some boards discussing it. Not that it's right but I'm at wits end until the counseling sessions. Hopefully, counseling will help her through her anger. Hopefully, counseling will help him too. It did years ago when he drank.

To, Newcam, I've been to counseling. The first sessions taught me how I am a person, I matter, and I have a right to a life. That's why I moved out. My next sessions with another counselor were stopped. She told me she couldn't help me if I wouldn't stand up to him. I think I've reached that point, until the next episode. I already told him I have plans two weeks from now and I'll call the police if he comes near me or calls me with harrassing phone calls.

I just wonder if this will ever end. I just wanted to be "Happy".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:28pm
You can't force him into getting help and have any results other than very temporary ones at that. If he wanted help he would have found his own counseling because he wanted to change, no one would have to threaten him into it, and certainly no one should be finding a counselor for him. He is who he is and no one can make him change. He can change but it has to be of his own choosing, and I think from others have said on this board 1% of abusers make this choice. He can't even accept responsibility for what he did. He is just saying the words of apologies to get you back, not because of any genuine desire to change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:50pm

Hi makesmehappy…I’m really worried about you with this horrible abuser.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou