unbiased opinion, please help!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
unbiased opinion, please help!!!!!!!!!!!
4
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:11am

After a 12 year relationship, married for 10 of the 12, two daughters ages 8 & 9, an 85 year old father in law (his father) living w/ us and verbal/emotional abuse from the very beginning I have FINALLY stood up to husband, in front of marriage counselor, and said I would file for divorce if he didn't get psychological counseling, anger management therapy and consider medication. Our marriage counseling has been put on hold, so he can do a crash course this next month, 1 time per week, with a psychotherapist. It was suggested that husband go to anger management course and try anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. Husband agreed, in front of counselor, to seek his help, medication, etc. That our family means more than anything to him. He has since, over the course of the last two weeks, stated:

I can 'self-medicate' by controlling myself and bring myself "to the middle", instead of taking a pill.

I can control my anger. I can do anything I put my mind to. (Of course, no rage sessions since the meeting w/ counselor).

I do not want to go to the psychotherapist and talk about you - all the terrible things you did when our daughters were babies/toddlers - to the point of criminally negligent child abuse. (AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH here goes his verbal/emotional abuse. Called him on it, and he rephrased his statement). I do not want to trash you to someone else - it is against my code of honor. I said - what about your code of honor about getting help or we get divorced?????!!!!

He continued with "my 'hands-off', neglectful ways when our girls were little caused them to have accidents and he will always hold me responsible for those accidents." (AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH they were accidents - toddlers falling when learning to walk and the like, bar one exception when our 18 month old put her palm on the flat cooktop and burned her hand. He was home with me when that happened. It was my fault, though.) At that time I called him on his "dysfunction" and said - for the record - anything that ever happened to our daughters was never done INTENTIONALLY by me. He agreed with a BUT...saying, if I was more on top of things, a more hands-on Mother none of it would have happened. He is sick. (For the record, our daughters are always complimented about their social abilities, intelligence, kindness, funny, good behavior, etc.)

The statement above, the fact that he said it - not what he said - has my head spinning. I filed divorce papers with an attorney. I have recorded violent outbursts/raging. I am ready to stand up to him, as his wife, for the final time.

Near the end of the "conversation" regarding his seeing the psychotherapist...he said what he was feeling, under it all, was fear. He was afraid of changing who he is, all he has ever known and that scared him. He didn't know if he could be a "middle of the road" kind of guy - and I probably would think he was boring, etc. I stated that he didn't have to - this was his choice. If he doesn't want to then we proceed with the divorce. I made my statement in that counselors office and I am sticking to it. He tried to get me to say - it's ok, don't change your raging/abusive/controlling personality. I didn't. He is going to the psychotherapists office today. I told him to tell them everything. Don't hold anything back. Get to the root of why he is holding me accountable for our daughters childhood growing experiences, etc.

I dropped what when on between us - blocked it out of my mind - and we had a peaceful, family beach filled weekend. He continued to state how our family is most important to him and he will do anything to keep us together. My question is this - do you think he can be helped???? Am I barking up a dead tree by postponing the inevitable divorce? Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:45am

I don't know if he can or can't be helped, as I am not a psychotherapist. What I DO know is, it isn't your problem. He got himself into this situation by choosing to act as he did, now he can get himself out of it.

Here is what I do know about the possibility of changing. On this board, we have seen ONE abuser out of the literally thousands whose victims have come through here who was able to successfully change, in the ten years of this board's existence. This was well before my time, so I couldn't tell you how he did it. I also know of a woman from another board, whose husband was able to change. HOWEVER, she did NOT drop the proceedings until she saw good, hard evidence that he had. This came after years and years of him going through intensive therapy and coming to the honest realization that HE was the problem. She did not let him back in the house until she saw this evidence.

To be honest, I hesitated to relate that second story, because I don't want to give you false hope. The overwhelming odds are that he will not change; either this is a facade from the get-go, or he will find himself unable to stick with it. Something like 1% of abusers are ever able to truly change, and the odds are not with you. Check out our board's website for "Signs that he's truly changing", and don't even think about dropping proceedings unless and until you can check off a great many things on that list.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 2:28pm
Hi catally...I don't think he will change and here's why...he doesn't want to and he doesn't see the need to. He thinks you should accept him as he is because he's perfectly fine with who he is. This is usually how it is with abusers..."I'll do ANYTHING to keep my family together...except change". Sadly, being in control and one up over their wives, girlfriends, and kids, is more important to them than ANYTHING else. And they want to stay the same AND keep their families. And when they lose their families, they rarely look at themselves. They think YOU are the one with the problem and left them for "no reason" and they play victim. They simply do not have a problem with who they are. I've been on this board for several years now and am a domestic violence victim's advocate in my county and this is how it always is. I've never seen an exception, personally. What your husband does have a problem with is the thought of being this "middle of the road" guy who he probably views as weak. To be in control, the boss, one up, is what abusive people see as normal. You are asking him to go against his beliefs of what he thinks he's entitled to in a relationship - control. He doesn't want to be this "middle of the road" guy. (Whatever that means - a non-abusive, respectful person who doesn't think he's superior to everyone else in the family?) It is important for you to understand that his problem is a matter of his beliefs and values. It isn't a matter of being unable to control himself. When he abuses, he does it to GAIN control, not because he's out of control. It's used to force you into things, out of things, to get away with things, for punishment, retaliation, to "put you in your place", etc.. Many people think that abuse is an anger management problem, but it's really not. Bottom line...chauvinists are angry people. They think they're automatically "owed" things from their partners and don't have to do anything to earn them. They have unrealistic, ridiculous ideas of what women should be, do, think, say, and look like. They think they're entitled to get their way all the time. They think they're the most important person in the whole house. There's a self-centered focus in abusers that is nearly impossible to break through. And a closed-mindedness as well. There's not much chance that he's ever going to view you as his equal. There's a book you can read that will give you a lot of information on why he does what he does that can help you in your decision making process, it's called WHY DOES HE DO THAT?: INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN by Lundy Bancroft. He ran programs for abusive men for several years and knows what you're dealing with. I highly recommend this book. As you go through this, be prepared for more of the same. He is who he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:11am

Welcome back, Catally.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:31am

Let me tell you something i heard, didnt quite GET, & now? I get more than anything i have ever learned in my LIFE.


You never know someone, until you divorce them.


I dont think your H wants to change & you know what? I dont think he, nor any of these abusers, even if they WANT to, CAN change. Mine cried, begged, threatened, etc - when i finally filed (after he was removed via a RO). & its 14 motnhs later & he is as angry, threatening, selfish & miserable as EVER.

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