Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Update
6
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 11:11am

I wanted to post an update and get a few things off my chest. Well, I believe that I am getting stronger. I have finally hit the "anger" stage in this grief process. It is unreal how angry I am. I am not mad and yelling, in fact, you wouldn't know if I didn't tell you. It is on the inside and comes out during therapy.

I believe I have also accepted the fact that he isn't going to understand what he has done to me. This was proven again when he told me that he wanted us to go to therapy to work on our issues and then if he needed to go on his own he would. I didn't even bother trying to tell him what he has put me through. He went from mean and condeming to sad and hurt (why are you doing this?).

The anger comes from just being tired of this whole thing. I finally realize what he did and now he wants to change? I don't think so. He has the idea that it is never too late, but he hasn't even admitted what the problems were. He thinks the problems are ours together. But, I wasn't the jealous, controlling, manipulative, silent treatment giving person. I did everything I could to keep the peace including losing myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: confused2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 11:20am

Hi;

Good for you and now not sure if others would agree but hold onto that anger for awhile. Its the stages of the grieving process. Just dont let fester inside of you cause anger can turn inwards into depression and it will eat away at you.

Take a pilow and punch it out a few times and make believe its your ex'es face.. Get out the anger and frustration and let all of the emotions out ..

You are going to flip back and forth from sadness; anger; guilt; what if and all of the other stuff but this is all normal especially in an abusive relationship.

Give yourself time and keep taking care of you..

Give yourself a break and dont be so hard on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
In reply to: confused2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 2:42pm

Freeatlast,

You are right about the anger. I was thinking it can't be normal to be this angry inside. But my counselor said that it was part of the process and that it wouldn't last forever.

My stbx is still stalling. He STILL thinks we have a chance to get back together. Him changing the locks, me filing for divorce, and putting the house on the market isn't enough to convince him. He says that he wants to go to counseling TOGETHER and then, if he needs to he will go on his own. He still won't admit that how he treated me is the problem and he still tells me that I turned on him too quick.

It is taking its toll on me. I am giving myself time to feel all of the emotions and I am making myself have patience (what other choice do I have?). But, I just want to go on and be able to live my life without having to worry about him or what anything attached to him.

Thanks for your response and send good thoughts my way that I may keep up the positive attitude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: confused2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 3:00pm

Hi;

well; do not go to couples counseling. It never works in abusive situations and usually it backfires on the victim. Trust me I have been there and done that.

If he wants to go to therapy let him go alone and see what happens. I bet he will drop out soon enough and go back to his old ways.

The statistic for an abuser to change is very very very low although I have heard it can happen.

There is a check list somewhere for abusers to see if they really have changed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
In reply to: confused2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 4:04pm

I agree. I have talked to my therapist about this, because it was during the time when I was feeling guilty. He said that after a time there is so much resentment and hurt that sometimes you can't overcome it. I may forgive him, but you just lose the trust and love.

What gets me is that he says he wants to go to couples counseling, then, if he needs to, he will go to individual counseling. He did attend counseling with me one day before I left, but he just sat there and didn't say a whole lot.

It is just better that I don't respond to him. It is just that he is dragging everything out and I am ready to move on and find some

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to: confused2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:47pm

Okay.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
In reply to: confused2011
Wed, 05-18-2011 - 8:55am

Cajunharmony,

I always love hearing your words. You always make me feel better and give good information. There is no way in this world or any other that I want to go back. The "magical thinking" comment is funny, but soooooo true. He just refuses to believe this is happening and won't proceed with the papers. Since I have moved over into the anger portion, I have so many urges to send him responses to his messages, but I know it is better not to. I have even thought if I provoke him, maybe he would get mad enough to sign the papers. But, again I know I have no control over him and it takes time.

Thank you again for the response. You don't know how much I appreciate you and having this board to vent and get info/advice from.