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| Mon, 10-02-2006 - 3:15pm |
hi everybody
I just wanted to give you a quick update. I am reading the book "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft and it is really an incredible book, what an eye opener!
Anyway i'm not even halfway through, but so far I recognize myself and my ex partner in many situations and the warning signs that led to abuse were all there. That is so scary when you think about it. If only i'd known, but that's in the past. I'm just concentrating on healing myself and becoming stronger. So that I don't make the same mistake twice.
Anyway if anyone would like to further discuss the book, just write me back.
Thanks for listening.

Hi Rosie!
Way to go... You should be proud of yourself. Isn't the book amazing? Have you got to the part where it describes the 10 types of abusers? That chapter was shocking to me. My abuser is the Victim and it was crazy when I was reading it. I was reading about my abuer straight from a book about abusers. There is no doubt in my mind that he abused his past girlfriend. He told me such horrible stories about her - but now I know that is 'the victims' traits. At the time I was like what a horrilbe person, how could she do that to him.... so I wonder what he will say to his next girlfriend about me...? I don't really care.
I'm glad your enjoying the book. I am not quite finished it yet.. kinda took a break from it... but I am sure I will start to read it all again. There really is so much to learn about abusers. They are quite complicated!!
Lauren
Thanks lauren. My abuser is definetly "the victim" and "mr. Right". Interesting combination.
That makes a lot of sense, the victim will make all his past partner's seem like horrible people. After awhile they really make you feel sorry for them, but that's the exact time where they have us exactly where they want us. Under their spell and manipulations.
There is so much to learn and this is just the beginning.
I remember when I thought I would never get out of the relationship. You were probably in the same situation, where everything seemed like it would have no end.
I did feel sorry for my abuser about how his past girlfriend treated him. Now that I think about it I really wonder what the story was. I am sure she is not a horrilbe person like he said she was. You are right - they know exactly what they are doing and they did that to get us under thier spell and manipluations. They really do anything.
I did feel like there was no end. My abuser would cry and cry and tell me he would change and to give him one more try. It really did break my heart to see him like that.. but really.. he did this to himself. That was the time I stood up for myself and I said I don't think it will ever work out. The thing with my abuser is that for some reason he was understanding. He was kinda mean in the beginning and wanted me to move out in about 3 days!.. Like hello I don't think that is possible. After the mean stage he was okay. He didn't try to win me back. He knew that it will never work between us. Which really is a relief.
Lauren.
My abuser was kind of similar to yours. Everytime I would say to him "I can't live like this anymore" he would say then you should leave me. I kept waiting and hoping that he would change. You know what i've realized though, it was a cycle, that repeated itself over and over, you konw what I mean? they would cry and then be all loving and then turn mean and hateful. Did you ever feel like he was two people in one body?
I'm so glad we are both out of our abusive relationships. You're a good person and you didn't deserve what he did to you.
I love the book! it's amazing, did you get to chapter 6 yet?
I do know what you mean about the cycle repeating itself over and over again. My abuser would always say that he isn't holding me there and I can leave when I want to leave. In the end he said I knew this would happen.... It doens't make sense! Is he now blaming me?? I think so! He knew it would happen, I didn't, but somehow he is blaming it on me. OF course! He doesn't ever take responsibility and blames everyone else.
I had so much hope for my abuser to change. But deep down I knew he wouldn't.. but I still wanted him to. We had some great times together... but in the end the bad times were much worse.
I was so scared when he would get angry at me. It was usually over something so stupid anyways. Just the look on his face would terrify me. I don't know what it was about his face... his eyes... he was just so serious and scary. He was definitley 2 people in one body. Just thankfully I am outta there. I just feel so free to do whatever I like. I don't feel bad about talking to other guys or going to the bar to go dancing... and no more 50 questions when I get home!!
Ya.. I have passed Chapter 6. I am currently on Chapter 14 "The process of change" I am kinda taking a long time to read this chapter though. Now that I am not with him I am not so interested in hearing about him changing. I will eventually get thru it.. and I will probably read the whole book again. It has so much information in it and I am learning so much from this book. I will say I never thought I would be the one to be in an abusive relationship. It really does just creep up on you. I haven't told a lot of people. Only my close family and some friends know some stories. I have kept some stories to this board only. I do not want to tell my friends and family some of the horror stories. There is no point in getting them worked up anymore. I have been thinking a lot about going and volunteering at a womens shelter. I feel like I know enough about DV now that I can offer some advise to women in need. I will probably wait a bit longer until I am a bit stronger.. but it is definitly something I would like to do.
You're doing great - you should be very proud of yourself
Hugs! Lauren
Thanks lauren, u too.
I'd say that when you left him and he said, "I knew this would happen", he was trying to put the blame on you. Afterall, that's what abusers do, they are never responsible for anything! Don't ever fall for this...
What did he honestly expect, if he is a jerk and treats people horribly, of course in the end they will leave him. Abusers have unrealistic expectations, they also have a distorted sense of what their partner should be like. I'm so happy you got outta there.
I hoped mine would change too, I gave him so much time (four years!) and he kept getting worse and worse. Because of the cycles, the nice guy that comes out every so often, we are driven to feel hopeful that this time may be the time he will change. Then the ugly, horrible violent guy emerges and we are once again faced with our abuser.
I remember my EX's eyes, i'll have nightmares about them...
His eyes would change, yeah they were so scary and serious, when he was angry they would pop out of his face, he never blinked when he was in his abusive state. I'll remember those eyes for the rest of my life.
i would like to volunteer at a shelter as well. I don't think i'm ready for it yet, I want to do research and help those poor women. They need to feel strong before they can leave their abusive relationships.