Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Update
3
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:11pm

Hi Guys
I just wanted to give you an update.
I am not with him anymore, we've broken up for good. We've been broken up for 9 days and he's only tried to contact me once, last monday, a week ago. I told him it was over and that I couldn't come back.

Its really sad though, I still have a lot of love for him even though he was at times abusive. I just couldn't keep taking what he was doing. At times I am happy that I left, I feel more free and more relaxed. But there are other times where I am hit with the loneliest feeling, I feel like its crippling, those are the hardest times. Sometimes I want to die, he was the last six years of my life. I have lost ALL my friends, I don't even have one girlfriend left (this is totally my fault). I wish I had ppl that I could talk to. That's life though, I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: rosie20062006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:50pm

Hi Rosie,

Thanks for coming and giving us an update. I am proud of you for telling him is it over and he cannot come back.

It is normal to feel very sad, lonely, depressed when you breakup with somebody. I think it is even worse when it is with someone that was abusive. There is a lot of damage that is hidden inside that you cannot see. He has damaged your self esteem. You are doing great for not talking with him. You did the right thing. I hope you feel somewhat of a relieve now. You are free to do as you please. You do not have to feel guilty anymore. It will take some time to adjust, but you did the right thing.

Of course you still have a lot of love for him. Love does not just go away quickly. I am sure there will always be a part of you that loves him. I still love my abuser too, but only for the good part. He was funny, smart, charming, fun.. but then there was the times that he was mean, disrespectful, said he hated me, rude, manipultive. I did not love him then. I think there will always be a part of me that loves him. I do really miss him and all of the good times. but you know what, the bad times outweight the good times. It never would have worked out for us.

It is not your fault that you have lost all your friends. It happens all the time in abusive relationships. They have no idea what you have gone thru. Did he make you feel guilty about seeing them all the time and then you didn't want to make him mad so you decided not to see your friends anymore. He knew exactly what he was doing. He did this on purpose for you to lose your friends. It is not your fault.

You do have people to talk to. You have us on here that you can talk to all the time. Post as much as you like. You can e-mail me thru my profile if you want to. It might not be the same as friends in real life, but we are still friends, we're just thru the computer. You will get thru this it will just take some time. How is the book so far? Are you learning a lot?

Hugs. Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rosie20062006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 2:59pm
rosie...I've always hated that saying "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it." The thing is that your life is what it is right now because of these past events or choices, but you dang sure don't have to keep lying in that bed!!! You have tons of options and choices! We always have the right to change our lives for the better regardless of our past mistakes. You can get out of that bed and make any changes you want to in your life! You can make new friends and you can possibly even renew old relationships. You can do so much. Believe me, things aren't going to stay this way for you. They will get better. As far as how you feel about the loss of this relationship, these feelings won't last either, but you have to tolerate them and get through them. When I left my abuser back in 2001, it took months before I got to the point where I didn't think about it so much. It was so hard, but it was so worth the effort. Feel your feelings, just don't act on them. And make sure the actions you do take are to improve YOUR life. Just small steps is all it takes. One at a time. You can try reading. That's a really good way to occupy your time and also a way to learn ways to enhance your personal growth. There's just so much you can do to move forward from where you are now. I promise, it will get better. The choices you make today will determine what you have in your life tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Decide what you want in your life and start moving towards that. You've walked away from abuse, and as long as you continue walking away from it, this is not something you will have to deal with in your life anymore. It's so much better to live abuse free. Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
In reply to: rosie20062006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:24pm
You have just described what my biggest fear about leaving my bf is. The lonliness. They consume you until there is nothing left but a shell. But fortunately, you will rebound. You will make new friends and reconnect with old ones. You will also find love again. I know God has a plan for us all.