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| Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:49pm |
I am another one of those that once spent much time here but hasn't posted in a while. I still check in now and then but thought that things were pretty much on the up and up. Just about every description of an abuser reminds me of my abuser. I am just floored at how similar they all are. They do the same things, say the same things, make the same excuses....I am sure it sounds like they all use a single guide book on how to abuse.
I am posting because all of those old feelings and fears came back again when one of the ladies at work told me CAHL had called her yesterday. This lady owns an appartment building and she gave me one of her appartments when I left my abuser and was hiding in fear and by court recommendation. He started by asking how I was. She naturally said she supposed I was fine. He then asked how she felt about my preventing him from seeing son. She said it was none of her business. He laid into her then, telling her it was all her fault because she gave me a place to stay. She hung up on him. The next afternoon he sent an email saying 'how can you live with yourself, knowing how much son love's me?' She forwarded it to me, I apologized for his behaviour (as I have so many time during that period that they legally call a marriage but was more appropriately refered to as h&ll.
A brief background history: I was married for 9 years, with he who's name should not be mentioned for 4 years before that. I was 19 when I met him. I had never had a boyfriend and didn't know any of his actions were abnormal. I believed him when he said he was the nicest guy I could ever find. Now that I know better, I realize he was abusive from the very start. He was demeaning, aggressive, constantly humiliating me in front of others. He began early with the wild outbursts by throwing and breaking things. It was only a short time later that he started getting physical by pushing, holding me down, even bruising me. About 3 years before leaving him, things escalated and he broke my ribs in one of his violent outbursts. I should have called the police then but didn't. Many other outbursts followed that up until the time I got out, though fortunately no broken bones. Part of what made me get out fast was that I could see it was heading the direction of another potentially dangerous outburst. I am quite certain he was capable of sending me to a hospital or worse. The other important reason I got out was that I could see his outbursts were transferring to my 4 year old son. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed, we would both be in great danger. Also, from the very beginning he was taking my money and spending it on himself as well. When married, he hoarded his own paycheck from me and left me paying most all bills. It came to an extreme right before I left. Without considering previous years, I saw some evidence that suggests he siphened nearly 90k from the accounts in 2 years time. He was always spiteful whenever anything good happened to me or I was complemented for anything. He also demanded sex when and where he wanted, and even started calling me asexual and sending me articles about that when he felt I wasn't performing my 'duties as a wife' according to him. He also accused me of cheating on him all the time. Funny because for the last two years while he was constantly making these accusations, he was cheating on me. I kind of figured, but honestly was hoping he would leave me. He never did. I had to pry him loose.
Anyway, the newest contacts and harrassment of that poor lady just sent me spinning. I haven't heard a peep from him since May 2005, and now this. It completely shook me up. And in case there is any mistake that this is an unfortunate father who is prevented from seeing son, I will mention that he has always been offered the opportunity to see son whenever he wishes, although only supervised, which was agreed to by the court. He was never prevented from sending son cards or presents for say holidays such as Christmas or birthday, but never has. He was asked to pay child support by the courts but has refused to. I am reluctant to ask for enforcement simply because I didn't want contact with him. The source of my fears comes from three burning questions: Is he capable of hurting me? Is he capable of kidnapping my son? Is he capable of hurting my son? I just don't know.... He has hurt us before, and that was in the best of times. But why is he contacting out of the blue after having left us alone for 9 months? And then to say lies and harrass other people? Let alone asking around about me. he had to in order to have known I stayed with this lady back when I was getting out, because only a few people knew. I have no idea who told him this, though it doesn't matter. What matters is that he is trying to get information about me. There is a restraining order on him, but I really don't think he is all there to care about consequences. I am not worried about the courts because they are 100% on my side because of overwhelming evidence. But I am just terrified of the guy, that he would sneak up on me one day and try to hurt me. It is so unfair I have to live like this. Why isn't he spending his time being obsessed with his current wife (the same woman he was with prior to me leaving). I so much hoped she would take the focus off of me.

I was just about to ask if you have a restraining order on him, when I saw that you do. This here would be what they call "third party contact", and it is a violation of the RO. Tell the authorities about this. They can stop him from getting ahold of you and they can stop him from harassing this poor woman any further.
As to child support, I don't really know what to tell you as to what is best. My instinct would be a lot like yours- who wants him involved?- but you and your son are also entitled to the money. This may be a question for the professionals involved with your case.