Update......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Update......
5
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:07am
I hope I am not driving you all crazy with my posts. Even if no one answers, I feel so good writing in here. It is a safe harbor. Anyway, tonight was the clincher for me.
I have not been feeling well for quite some time, along with my added weight, I'm not sure, but I think I may have fibromyalgia. I have incredible pain in the morning especially, and this is added to the fact that I cannot sleep at nights. These are some of the symptoms that are pointing to fibromyalgia. I am in the process of getting insurance for myself (girls have their own insurance, and STBX is only covered for himself at his job, that is so befitting of him).
My sister, bless her heart tries to be helpful. She says "just ignore him". She is in another state now. But to ignore him is to ignite him. Hey, I just came up with a new slogan for passive-aggressors as well as other varieties of home-grown abusers. TO IGNORE THEM IS TO IGNITE THEM. Love it!!!! Because they NEED attention. To ignore him is to have him drive like a maniac just so I will tell him to stop and he gets his attention. To ignore him is to have him deal unsuccessfully with the girls leaving them frustrated. To ignore him is to have him not leave me money for things that need to be done just so I'll ask him. To ignore him is for him to not do things that he is supposed to do so that I will tell him. He does not want me to ignore him.
Anyway, for the past couple of weeks there were a few times that he had come home in the morning, (since he starts way earlier) to pick up the girls for school, and I am still in bed. I asked him to please come home earlier and deal with it since I am in so much pain in the morning. He does it, but doesn't let it go quietly. He is VERY loud when he comes in. He goes head to head with younger dd, who is very stubborn. I had told him repeatedly there is a method to dealing with her, and it is definitely not to go head to head with her. If he does, she will do the complete opposite of what you ask. So, it happened, a few times, that he did not deal with her properly which resulted in her being left at home, since if he stayed longer older dd would be late for school. It means her staying home with not much to do. It is not so bad for her to miss school, since she is only in preschool and many children are only there for half-days. My older dd does splendidly in the morning and pretty much does her own thing in getting ready. She is truly an angel from Heaven.
To get back to the point, tonight I called him when he left for work, as usual at 1:00AM. This was after he took his morning shower and came up to me and said "You used my razor again" and quickly walked away without waiting for a response. Now let me tell you ladies, when ALL you hear ALL the time is nothing but criticism, and he doesn't want to notice all of the other LOVELY things you do, and he does things that are so monumentally wrong but chooses to ignore them, than even statements like he made tonight are unbearable. And of course I started to talk, but he just walked away. Incidentally, I did not REALLY use his razor, but noticed that a patch of hair on my legs had been missed when I waxed them and I was out of razors. He only said this because yesterday I had told him never to use my towel, we have many towels but there is one towel that is specifically mine.
But I said nothing and he left for work. Then I called him and said "Do you have 10 minutes to talk?" I always ask this, because his pattern is to let me talk and then say "Oh, I have to go now", leaving me stranded in mid-air because it is hard to let it all out and then have someone say they have to go. It is all a part of his passive-aggressive bullsh**. He said yes, did it to me anyway, where I spoke and he said he had to go, (he really didn't). Then I called him again (yes, I am a pawn in his little "jump, doggie jump" way of dealing with me. I told him to pull over for 5 minutes because I need to talk to him. I said "Listen you better tell me now if you have the intention of giving me your full respect for the time that I will be here so that our older dd does not have to leave the school she loves." As I had said, in previous posts, it will take two months for our apartment to be ready, and the girls and I could move. I told him that for our older dd's sake, he better make a plan to treat me with respect or I am leaving. He had to listen to ways he was disrespecting me and after I was done told me, yes, I can respect you. Yeah, right.
One of the things I had then mentioned had to do with, when he comes in the morning, and things are not yet ready, and he comes in well before it is time to take the girls, to not be self-absorbed and take the whole forty minutes and make himself a lunch. That if he sees me needing help, (though I never ask him for it) to help get the girls ready. And this is because I am in a lot of pain in the mornings. So he says, "but I always get them ready in the morning." What?!!!!! Because you got them ready a few times, you now are in the exalted position of having gotten them ready ALWAYS? This man is insane. He CANNOT see or give credit to what ANYONE else is doing. You must understand this abuse is insidious. It is like mental torture. A normal person would need to work VERY hard to avoid, G-D forbid ever complimenting someone, or giving them credit for what they do. This man is a MASTER at removing every trace of every credit you could possibly have for anything. EXAMPLE: Even if you were the only one working outside the home, and inside the home, and did everything under the sun, but he had one single solitary task to do, he would blow up that small task and completely disregard everything else you were doing. He is crazy!!!
This was just too much. That he could take credit for that, while in the midst of supposedly agreeing to respect me(yes, girls, he needs to agree to that) was just too much. I told him this is not going to work and I hung up. A woman who had her story written down on a PA link about living with a PA (passive-aggressive) man described it this way "It is like kicking a puppy, kicking him again when he is down, stooping to help him to make him feel better, then kicking him again.
I would have lived in a tent just so my beautiful dd would not leave the school she loved. And in our new apartment, she will still be able to go to that school. But what can I do? I called Womens' Housing, there is a wait list for that. The Womens' Shelter is the only place that can be available in a matter of days or one week. And if I go there, there is no way she can continue to go to her school, at least for two months. She would have to switch to the new school for a period of time. Any way I look at it, I feel stumped. Unless I ask a woman that I know for a year, in the new state we moved to, to move in with her,(she has a family of her own). While I know I would never have a problem helping out a friend, she does not know of my situation. I would do anything to avoid pulling my daughter out. I just don't know what to do. As much as I try to avoid him, he will not let this go. He will feign being nice (for five minutes, tops, no kidding) only to hit me in the gut again (figuratively speaking). I am stumped at this point. He will not back off of me. This whole thing is like a very painful birth, where you just want to give birth already (in this case, the birth would be to leave him) but all you get are more and more contractions with no end in sight! Wheres the baby already? Semi- LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: smoothride
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:33pm

Hi hon -


Contact the school and explain the situation.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: smoothride
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:45pm
Not driving us crazy at all, hon.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: smoothride
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:56pm

Hi Smoothride.
I hope it's ok to post. I'm a lurker here because I survived a childhood marked by DV; I keep you in my hearts and prayers.

You sound like such a great mom; I'm glad your girls have you. It will do them a world of good in years to come as they look back on how strong you were, moving heaven and earth to get yourself and them to a place where you all can be safe, both emotionally and physically.

I just wanted to add another POV on your DD's school. Please don't take it as a criticism. I know you are looking out for her best interests, and changing schools is a big deal. But I would venture that getting you and your girls away from STBX is an even BIGGER deal. The sooner you are away from him, the less damage he can continue to cause them and the sooner they (and you) can start to heal from the damage already done. A safe home life is priority number one - especially if you know she can go back to the school she loves, even if there's a waiting period. In the long run, her brief hiatus from school will be a bump in the road, while continuing to be with your STBX can cause her longterm emotional damage.

Just my thoughts. Please stay safe.
Goldengirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: smoothride
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:33pm

Welcome to our board Golden...


I too am a survivor of domestic abuse from my childhood.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
In reply to: smoothride
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:17am
You are so cool. Isn't that the truth? To ignore them is to ignite them. If I am affectionate to my df he says I bug and am up his butt, if I ignore him I DO ignite him and make him crazy.