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Update......
| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:13am |
I'm feeling so low about myself right now. Last time I posted I wrote that I was in the process of going to a womens' shelter. Well, the upshot of all of that was that I made my final decision that I wasn't going to go anywhere till my older dd finished her school at the end of June. Meanwhile, I'm trying to prepare myself and still trying to get a job that will finance us properly once I'm on my own with the kids. And if I can't get a proper job till then, I'll just take them to the shelter and take it from there. And I found out that even if I do have a good job, I can stay in the shelter till I am able to gather up some money for rent in a regular or subsidized apartment. So anyway, I am counting down the days till the end of dd's school.
I am stewing in my own juices. We went to look for a desk for her today, and we also saw some furniture that was beautiful at lower end furniture stores. So I started saying how I was always dying to fix up the place like I wanted to; we have some nice things but still far from how I want it to be. I like very a very modern, metropolitan look. So he shut me up saying that until he opens his business (which he plans to do after I'll leave him or he's trying to make me leave, I don't know) then he"ll think about buying furniture. I tried to explain to him that it's okay to obtain things while saving and having a nice balance, after all people who buy homes, cars usually have to make payments for them, it's not always all in one shot, right? Same as furniture.
I know I'm leaving him, but I still like to acquire things to make the house look nice, even though we'll end up splitting things. Anyway, the gyst of it is that he married me, doesn't think I deserved love, sex, status or anything. I feel so humiliated, so betrayed. Even abusers who are worse, still had their ups and downs when they were sometimes nice, sometimes giving. There are no ups, no apologies with him. And he's careless with the kids. I'm a stickler for cautiousness for everything. He drives a little too recklessly, he cooks meat on a barbecue and it does not look to me like he's super careful with raw meats. I tell myself that I won't talk to him but I cannot in good conscience let him barbecue for him and the kids (I don't want to eat his food) and not watch over. I feel like I am dying inside because I can't see how I can prove all of this when it comes time to go to court. I don't want this man around our kids. My insides are being fried from all of this. I feel like I am going to go crazy. I don't know why I am going thru this. I am honestly such a nice person, why am I being punished this way? Please give some words of encouragement, as I am counting down the days when I will leave with my kids. I just keep thinking about this in my head, what will I tell the judge about his abuse? That he didn't sleep with me, gave me not one drop of affection, is careless with the kids, puts his own selfish ego above everything else? Will they believe me? Why have I been given so little in this life in the way of a husband? I'm thinking if he gave any value to me, then at least he wouldn't be treating me this way, he might not love me, but if he valued me then he'd treat me like a decent human being. But he doesn't. He treats me like dog sh_t. I saw a program on Oprah about high scale women in emotionally abusive marriages. But even those men gave their women more. Not that material things could ever make up for how a man treats you. But they had the houses, the status, the occasional apologies, it wasn't non-stop abuse, although you should never deal with even a little bit of abuse. I am like those women, pretty, intelligent, and he treats me like dog poo. I received nothing from him, NOTHING, just emotional and verbal abuse and more. One time I called the police on him because he threatened to punch me, although I don't think he would've. They took a statement from me and HIM. They said until there was an objective witness, or enough evidence, as far as they were concerned they don't know who the abuser was. How ridiculous. I will take my kids to a shelter, and what will I say non-stop provocation, non-stop verbal abuse, who will believe me? I fear no one will, at this point. The scars are all on the inside. Please, please give me some advice, some consolation, that there is someone out there who identifies completely with me. I will need therapy to convince myself that I am not nothing, that I have value, although I've rarely received that validation from a man including my father. It seems that in this marriage, the more I was applauded from the outside world, with my studies, the job I was in, the weight I lost in the past (when I received lots of attention from other males) the more he ignored me. Why, G-D, why? Why did this man never appreciate all the beauty in me? And there is such beauty in me. Anyway, some words of encouragement will help. Thank you. Sorry for the long rant.
I am stewing in my own juices. We went to look for a desk for her today, and we also saw some furniture that was beautiful at lower end furniture stores. So I started saying how I was always dying to fix up the place like I wanted to; we have some nice things but still far from how I want it to be. I like very a very modern, metropolitan look. So he shut me up saying that until he opens his business (which he plans to do after I'll leave him or he's trying to make me leave, I don't know) then he"ll think about buying furniture. I tried to explain to him that it's okay to obtain things while saving and having a nice balance, after all people who buy homes, cars usually have to make payments for them, it's not always all in one shot, right? Same as furniture.
I know I'm leaving him, but I still like to acquire things to make the house look nice, even though we'll end up splitting things. Anyway, the gyst of it is that he married me, doesn't think I deserved love, sex, status or anything. I feel so humiliated, so betrayed. Even abusers who are worse, still had their ups and downs when they were sometimes nice, sometimes giving. There are no ups, no apologies with him. And he's careless with the kids. I'm a stickler for cautiousness for everything. He drives a little too recklessly, he cooks meat on a barbecue and it does not look to me like he's super careful with raw meats. I tell myself that I won't talk to him but I cannot in good conscience let him barbecue for him and the kids (I don't want to eat his food) and not watch over. I feel like I am dying inside because I can't see how I can prove all of this when it comes time to go to court. I don't want this man around our kids. My insides are being fried from all of this. I feel like I am going to go crazy. I don't know why I am going thru this. I am honestly such a nice person, why am I being punished this way? Please give some words of encouragement, as I am counting down the days when I will leave with my kids. I just keep thinking about this in my head, what will I tell the judge about his abuse? That he didn't sleep with me, gave me not one drop of affection, is careless with the kids, puts his own selfish ego above everything else? Will they believe me? Why have I been given so little in this life in the way of a husband? I'm thinking if he gave any value to me, then at least he wouldn't be treating me this way, he might not love me, but if he valued me then he'd treat me like a decent human being. But he doesn't. He treats me like dog sh_t. I saw a program on Oprah about high scale women in emotionally abusive marriages. But even those men gave their women more. Not that material things could ever make up for how a man treats you. But they had the houses, the status, the occasional apologies, it wasn't non-stop abuse, although you should never deal with even a little bit of abuse. I am like those women, pretty, intelligent, and he treats me like dog poo. I received nothing from him, NOTHING, just emotional and verbal abuse and more. One time I called the police on him because he threatened to punch me, although I don't think he would've. They took a statement from me and HIM. They said until there was an objective witness, or enough evidence, as far as they were concerned they don't know who the abuser was. How ridiculous. I will take my kids to a shelter, and what will I say non-stop provocation, non-stop verbal abuse, who will believe me? I fear no one will, at this point. The scars are all on the inside. Please, please give me some advice, some consolation, that there is someone out there who identifies completely with me. I will need therapy to convince myself that I am not nothing, that I have value, although I've rarely received that validation from a man including my father. It seems that in this marriage, the more I was applauded from the outside world, with my studies, the job I was in, the weight I lost in the past (when I received lots of attention from other males) the more he ignored me. Why, G-D, why? Why did this man never appreciate all the beauty in me? And there is such beauty in me. Anyway, some words of encouragement will help. Thank you. Sorry for the long rant.

R~